Gryphon
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By Drew Magary
Every week from now on, we’ll profile potential replacements for Cowboys head coach Wade Phillips, should he be fired by the end of the season. Even when Wade wins! Today, it’s Jon Gruden!
Name: Jon David Gruden. Weird. The Jon isn’t short for Jonathan. I would NOT have guessed that.
Career Record: 95-81
Nicknames: Chucky. Gru. Freckles. “THIS GUY.”
Credentials: Super Bowl champion. And to all those people who said Gruden won a Super Bowl only because he had Tony Dungy’s team, you are wrong. The reason the Bucs crushed the Raiders that year was because Gruden knew the entire Raiders playbook, which Bill Callahan was too breathtakingly dumb to revamp. In 11 years as a head coach, Gruden had only three losing seasons. Every game that Raheem Morris loses makes the Bucs look dumber and dumber for letting Gruden go. Also, it’s fun to have him as your coach and see him walk around on the sidelines crazy pissed every game. It would be a refreshing change from Wade’s sideline demeanor, which is one of constant surprise and confusion.
Of the current crop of available big name coaches out there (Shanahan, Cowher, Gruden, Holmgren, etc.), Gruden is probably the one least likely to demand a general manager role with the team as well. That leaves him free to let the Double J keep doing what he does, which I guess is a plus?
Also, did you know Gruden never sleeps? It’s true. He sleeps for only five minutes a night. And when he sleeps, he sleeps with his eyes open, listening to a Rosetta Stone tape of defensive formation callouts.
Weaknesses: Never shuts up on Monday Night Football. Said Jake Delhomme led the league in grit. Goes through quarterbacks like Wade goes through boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls. Nobody gets bored with a QB faster than Gru. He’s a quarterbackizer. He loves them, and then he leaves them. And then he brings in Jeff Garcia. Next thing you know, Romo is shipped out of town and you’re stuck with Billy Jake Plummerhommebert.
Odds Of Being Named The Next Cowboys Coach: 5/1. Wade looks fairly secure in his position this week, but all it takes in one miserable showing against Seattle to make fans call for his head again. Gruden is the perfect fit for both the Cowboys and Commanders in that he won’t ask for too much power, and he’s a flashy name to bring in to run things.
Do You Want Him?: Only you know for sure. Let us know in the comments.
Every week from now on, we’ll profile potential replacements for Cowboys head coach Wade Phillips, should he be fired by the end of the season. Even when Wade wins! Today, it’s Jon Gruden!
Name: Jon David Gruden. Weird. The Jon isn’t short for Jonathan. I would NOT have guessed that.
Career Record: 95-81
Nicknames: Chucky. Gru. Freckles. “THIS GUY.”
Credentials: Super Bowl champion. And to all those people who said Gruden won a Super Bowl only because he had Tony Dungy’s team, you are wrong. The reason the Bucs crushed the Raiders that year was because Gruden knew the entire Raiders playbook, which Bill Callahan was too breathtakingly dumb to revamp. In 11 years as a head coach, Gruden had only three losing seasons. Every game that Raheem Morris loses makes the Bucs look dumber and dumber for letting Gruden go. Also, it’s fun to have him as your coach and see him walk around on the sidelines crazy pissed every game. It would be a refreshing change from Wade’s sideline demeanor, which is one of constant surprise and confusion.
Of the current crop of available big name coaches out there (Shanahan, Cowher, Gruden, Holmgren, etc.), Gruden is probably the one least likely to demand a general manager role with the team as well. That leaves him free to let the Double J keep doing what he does, which I guess is a plus?
Also, did you know Gruden never sleeps? It’s true. He sleeps for only five minutes a night. And when he sleeps, he sleeps with his eyes open, listening to a Rosetta Stone tape of defensive formation callouts.
Weaknesses: Never shuts up on Monday Night Football. Said Jake Delhomme led the league in grit. Goes through quarterbacks like Wade goes through boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls. Nobody gets bored with a QB faster than Gru. He’s a quarterbackizer. He loves them, and then he leaves them. And then he brings in Jeff Garcia. Next thing you know, Romo is shipped out of town and you’re stuck with Billy Jake Plummerhommebert.
Odds Of Being Named The Next Cowboys Coach: 5/1. Wade looks fairly secure in his position this week, but all it takes in one miserable showing against Seattle to make fans call for his head again. Gruden is the perfect fit for both the Cowboys and Commanders in that he won’t ask for too much power, and he’s a flashy name to bring in to run things.
Do You Want Him?: Only you know for sure. Let us know in the comments.
