Danny White
Winter is Coming
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Brutally honest and funny... not that we're that much better. But we were better when it counted. 
The Record Speaks for Itself
By Tony Kornheiser
Tuesday, December 28, 2004; Page D01
You may not be thinking kindly of Vinny Testaverde today. But at least thanks to his last-minute touchdown heave we don't have to hear any of this fekockteh playoff foolishness anymore. You didn't honestly think these Commanders belonged anywhere near the playoffs, did you?
Come on. You can't make a case that the Commanders were worthy. Let's put aside for the moment the fact that they lost to every team on their schedule with a winning record -- Green Bay, Baltimore, Philadelphia twice and Pittsburgh. Look at where the wins came from. The Commanders haven't beaten a team that's anywhere near .500. Let me call the roll of the juggernauts the Commanders have beaten: Tampa Bay, Chicago and the Giants are all 5-10. (Folks of my advanced age would refer to three wins over 5 & 10 teams as a "Woolworth Triple.")
The Commanders also beat Detroit, now 6-9, and the alarmingly inept San Francisco 49ers, now 2-13. But it's not like the Commanders cleaned up as bottom-feeders. No, most embarrassing is that the Commanders suffered losses to the Giants and Browns, currently the worst teams in the NFL; neither has won since October.
The Commanders belonged in the playoffs about as much as Sidney Ponson belongs on the high seas on a Ski-Doo. Reportedly, Sir Sidney went Frat-Boy-Wild on his "personal watercraft" (which we presume to be either a Jet Ski, an amphibious Segway or Belafonte from the capsizing "Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou") off the west coast of Aruba the other day, and got in a fistfight with a bunch of people, including a judge, who confronted Sir Sid about using his aforementioned "personal watercraft" to terrorize them. That landed Sir Sid in the pokey, where he might have to stay for a few days because there is no bail in Aruba -- something Sidney probably should have known, since he's a native. Now jail time might not be all that bad for Sir Sid; you'd have to think a bread-and-water diet might help him shed some of that tonnage. But I'm wondering exactly how bad Sid's behavior must have been. I mean, he's a knight in Aruba. He's actual, living, breathing royalty down there. Sidney Ponson is a "Knight in the Order of the Dutch Royal House," which I believe is two full steps up from being a Belgian Waffle. Shouldn't being a knight entitle him to something? Shouldn't a knight automatically be given a "get out of jail in Aruba free" card? What's the point of being a knight in Aruba if you can't cuff a judge around a little bit, huh? You don't see the Brits tossing Sir Paul McCartney into the hoosegow, do you? But I digress.
Sunday's loss in Dallas was more proof of what a glass jaw the Commanders have had this season. Yes, they have fought teams hard -- good teams, like Pittsburgh and Philadelphia. But they have lost 10 out of 15 games. Columnists have gone out of their way to praise the Commanders' defense. But how can you let Vinny Testaverde beat you late with a long bomb? For most of the second half Testaverde was getting belted around like one of the Klitschko brothers. Dallas fans were booing Testaverde so loudly, Bill Parcells had to stuff his Super Bowl rings in his ears not to hear it. All the Commanders had to do to win was hold on for 30 more seconds.
But this isn't a season in which the Commanders hold on. This isn't a season in which the Commanders make the big stop or the big run or the big pass. How do you lose 10 of 15 games when your defense has allowed fewer points than 27 teams in a 32-team league? Here's how: When your offense has scored fewer points than 30 teams. The Commanders hardly ever score enough points to win. Clinton Portis is making an awful lot of money for someone who gains between three and four yards a carry; that's a fairly quiet 1,300 yards he's got. And for all the stones thrown at Mark Brunell, how much better has Patrick Ramsey been? Is there anything Ramsey does that reminds you of Peyton Manning so far? Or Eli Manning? Or Eli Whitney? Dallas has no defense whatsoever. The Cowboys had been giving up 26 points a game. And the Commanders torched them for how many, 10? In his first go-around here, Joe Gibbs was an offensive genius who loved to go deep downfield. Gibbs had something in Joe Theismann, and made something out of Doug Williams and Mark Rypien. We're all waiting to see what Gibbs does with Patrick Ramsey, besides tell him to throw short.
I've read how all will be swell next year: Gibbs will be up to speed after that long layoff; the defense will be just as good as this season; the offense will be so much better. Really? What press agents are writing this stuff? Sure, it's fun to be optimistic. After all, every year some team bounces from the bottom to the top. Look at Marty in San Diego. He'll be coach of the year when everybody figured all he'd get was fired. But what are these assumptions about the Commanders making the big salmon-like jump upstream based on? Is it the luck of the draw? Is it our turn? Is it based on the Red Sox slogan, "Why not us?" Well, what if free agency skims some of the cream off the defense, like it does every year around the league? Gibbs has already named Ramsey the starter for 2005. What if he isn't much better then than he is now?
Mark Brunell and Clinton Portis were supposed to make this team much better than the one Steve Spurrier coached. Joe Gibbs was surely going to make the coaching a lot better. There are real coordinators here now -- savvy, experienced NFL veterans. But the record is more or less the same. After changes upon changes they are more or less the same. It's been the same every year with the Commanders, disturbingly so. After changes they are more or less the same.
The Record Speaks for Itself
By Tony Kornheiser
Tuesday, December 28, 2004; Page D01
You may not be thinking kindly of Vinny Testaverde today. But at least thanks to his last-minute touchdown heave we don't have to hear any of this fekockteh playoff foolishness anymore. You didn't honestly think these Commanders belonged anywhere near the playoffs, did you?
Come on. You can't make a case that the Commanders were worthy. Let's put aside for the moment the fact that they lost to every team on their schedule with a winning record -- Green Bay, Baltimore, Philadelphia twice and Pittsburgh. Look at where the wins came from. The Commanders haven't beaten a team that's anywhere near .500. Let me call the roll of the juggernauts the Commanders have beaten: Tampa Bay, Chicago and the Giants are all 5-10. (Folks of my advanced age would refer to three wins over 5 & 10 teams as a "Woolworth Triple.")
The Commanders also beat Detroit, now 6-9, and the alarmingly inept San Francisco 49ers, now 2-13. But it's not like the Commanders cleaned up as bottom-feeders. No, most embarrassing is that the Commanders suffered losses to the Giants and Browns, currently the worst teams in the NFL; neither has won since October.
The Commanders belonged in the playoffs about as much as Sidney Ponson belongs on the high seas on a Ski-Doo. Reportedly, Sir Sidney went Frat-Boy-Wild on his "personal watercraft" (which we presume to be either a Jet Ski, an amphibious Segway or Belafonte from the capsizing "Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou") off the west coast of Aruba the other day, and got in a fistfight with a bunch of people, including a judge, who confronted Sir Sid about using his aforementioned "personal watercraft" to terrorize them. That landed Sir Sid in the pokey, where he might have to stay for a few days because there is no bail in Aruba -- something Sidney probably should have known, since he's a native. Now jail time might not be all that bad for Sir Sid; you'd have to think a bread-and-water diet might help him shed some of that tonnage. But I'm wondering exactly how bad Sid's behavior must have been. I mean, he's a knight in Aruba. He's actual, living, breathing royalty down there. Sidney Ponson is a "Knight in the Order of the Dutch Royal House," which I believe is two full steps up from being a Belgian Waffle. Shouldn't being a knight entitle him to something? Shouldn't a knight automatically be given a "get out of jail in Aruba free" card? What's the point of being a knight in Aruba if you can't cuff a judge around a little bit, huh? You don't see the Brits tossing Sir Paul McCartney into the hoosegow, do you? But I digress.
Sunday's loss in Dallas was more proof of what a glass jaw the Commanders have had this season. Yes, they have fought teams hard -- good teams, like Pittsburgh and Philadelphia. But they have lost 10 out of 15 games. Columnists have gone out of their way to praise the Commanders' defense. But how can you let Vinny Testaverde beat you late with a long bomb? For most of the second half Testaverde was getting belted around like one of the Klitschko brothers. Dallas fans were booing Testaverde so loudly, Bill Parcells had to stuff his Super Bowl rings in his ears not to hear it. All the Commanders had to do to win was hold on for 30 more seconds.
But this isn't a season in which the Commanders hold on. This isn't a season in which the Commanders make the big stop or the big run or the big pass. How do you lose 10 of 15 games when your defense has allowed fewer points than 27 teams in a 32-team league? Here's how: When your offense has scored fewer points than 30 teams. The Commanders hardly ever score enough points to win. Clinton Portis is making an awful lot of money for someone who gains between three and four yards a carry; that's a fairly quiet 1,300 yards he's got. And for all the stones thrown at Mark Brunell, how much better has Patrick Ramsey been? Is there anything Ramsey does that reminds you of Peyton Manning so far? Or Eli Manning? Or Eli Whitney? Dallas has no defense whatsoever. The Cowboys had been giving up 26 points a game. And the Commanders torched them for how many, 10? In his first go-around here, Joe Gibbs was an offensive genius who loved to go deep downfield. Gibbs had something in Joe Theismann, and made something out of Doug Williams and Mark Rypien. We're all waiting to see what Gibbs does with Patrick Ramsey, besides tell him to throw short.
I've read how all will be swell next year: Gibbs will be up to speed after that long layoff; the defense will be just as good as this season; the offense will be so much better. Really? What press agents are writing this stuff? Sure, it's fun to be optimistic. After all, every year some team bounces from the bottom to the top. Look at Marty in San Diego. He'll be coach of the year when everybody figured all he'd get was fired. But what are these assumptions about the Commanders making the big salmon-like jump upstream based on? Is it the luck of the draw? Is it our turn? Is it based on the Red Sox slogan, "Why not us?" Well, what if free agency skims some of the cream off the defense, like it does every year around the league? Gibbs has already named Ramsey the starter for 2005. What if he isn't much better then than he is now?
Mark Brunell and Clinton Portis were supposed to make this team much better than the one Steve Spurrier coached. Joe Gibbs was surely going to make the coaching a lot better. There are real coordinators here now -- savvy, experienced NFL veterans. But the record is more or less the same. After changes upon changes they are more or less the same. It's been the same every year with the Commanders, disturbingly so. After changes they are more or less the same.