Like Sex With A Fat, Ugly Chick: It's Still Sex
Hey baby! We’re 5-3, and the boys “bounced back” nicely after that hammering by the Patriots!
Okay, folks. Take today off, and we’ll see you back here on Wednesday. Gonna be a super-tough game, so we’ll need your focus to try to keep this thing goin’ against the Eagles!
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Um. What are you still doing here?
I mean, you don’t really want me to nit-pick this win over the 1-8 Jets, do you? You don’t want me to point out that the Skins now got overtime wins against two AFC East teams that are 1-16?
Why, you a**holes! How dare you look at a win in THIS LEAGUE with anything but undying affection? I mean, don’t you know that UP HERE, you can take nothing for granted?
I mean, really now. Can’t we just be POSITIVE for a moment?
The offensive line was DOMINANT! Clinton Portis is BACK in a big way! The defense may bend, but it won’t break! It was a return to Commanders FOOTBALL! Smash mouth, baby!
We’re going “all the way”…. Um, all the way this kind of football will take us, that is!
Which is probably no better than 10-6, but “in the NFC” that might be good enough! (Note: Please take a drink for every ALL CAPS phrase or “quote” phrase I use here. You should be good and drunk by the end of this entry.)
In my effort to be positive here, I am going to ask you to ignore the following insignificant little nitpicks.
Forget that we are the only NFL team that basically plays without ANY wide receivers.
Forget that Gibbs once again played “not to lose” by refusing to throw out of the shotgun on a 3rd and 5 late, giving the ball back to the Jets.
Forget that Fred Smoot can’t play when healthy, and he’s not looking very healthy right now.
Here’s a stat that only hit me once I thought about it all day on Monday. WE DO NOT HAVE A WIDE RECEIVER TOUCHDOWN YET, AND THE SEASON IS HALF OVER!!!!! This stat is beyond incredible, in the modern NFL. Seriously.
Forget it all. Just say: “5 and 3” and click your heels three times.
So what if the Commanders had not stopped the Jets after the big flea-flicker to Cotchery in OT? Would you still feel the same way if Mike Nugent had slipped the dagger into OUR ribs, and not the other way around?
As I always say: “Never confuse results with analysis.”
Yes it was a win. But all the things about these Commanders that infuriate you and me, largely remain. They only reluctantly throw downfield, or in between the numbers. And they just can’t score.
I mean, look around the league Sunday.
New Orleans 41.
Detroit 44.
Minnesota 34.
Green Bay 33.
Cleveland 33.
Buffalo 33.
These are not scores the Commanders are familiar with. You don’t go a stretch of 20 possessions with just 1 TD and think you are anything special as a football team.
It’s not shocking when this team makes repeated trips into the Red Zone, only to kick field goals. They have no sizable receiver able to make goal-post grabs in compressed space. And the formations and play-calling are dreadfully predictable.
Perfect example is 2nd and goal from the five. This is a SPREAD formation for just about every team in the league. I know, I watch the whole stupid league every Sunday for 7 hours or more. Just ask my wife.
What does Gibbs… er… “Saunders” do? He sends in a JUMBO package. From the freaking five? Get real.
But hey, it’s a win, right? My biggest fear, is that Gibbs will confuse getting lucky, with a “formula” for winning. Portis got 36 carries Sunday. He’ll probably get 46 next week, and 56 after that.
Grrrr! Commander FOOTBALL! Yeah! The Hogs! Riggo drill! Grrrrrr!!!!!
The micro analysis of the game is simple: they ended up rallying from a 14 point deficit that nobody thought was possible. Good. They made a bold move to on-side kick while trailing 17-6. Good. They got the running game going. Good.
But micro analysis of NFL teams on a game-by-game basis is frustrating. Because next week absolutely NONE of that could be relevant. (See, Patriots game.)
So we are left with the macro. The big picture. And here’s the rub.
Joe Gibbs is not a 39 year old hot assistant, who needs to just show steady progress from last year’s 5-11 dud. With Gibbs (and Bugel for that matter) getting more wrinkled by the minute, we’re all tapping our watches watching it get late these days.
This regime, is obviously grasping at a return to glory, without any guiding organizational philosophy other than: “Well, we used to do it this way, we’re going to try it again.”
Two years ago Gibbs and Company hit an inside straight with 9-high to make the playoffs, and dodge a bullet in Tampa to stay alive one more week. Now, it looks like he’s trying to hit another one, pecking away at the 3-4-5-6-7 “winning hand.”
Excuse me, and others, for being pessimistic that we’ll get the needed cards yet again. Not when other teams are going to be laying down a full house. Some with A and K high.
Here, let me show you some numbers I looked up.
The top 8 teams in passing touchdowns are…
9-0 New England
7-1 Dallas
5-3 Cleveland
2-6 Cincinnati
6-2 Pittsburgh
7-1 Indianapolis
7-1 Green Bay
6-2 NY Giants
All but one of them has a winning record, and the combined W/L is 50-16. (.757)
The bottom 8 teams in passing touchdowns are…
0-8 St. Louis
5-3 Washington
2-6 Atlanta
4-4 Baltimore
3-5 Minnesota
2-6 San Francisco
4-4 Buffalo
6-2 Tennessee
Only two of these teams have winning records, and the combined W/L is 26-38. (.481)
Now, you tell me: is this a passing league, or a running one? Said Gibbs after the win: “That was more the look of what I envision Commander football to be.”
Translation: we’re doomed.
But hey, 5-3. I’m going to find happiness with this. Because UP HERE, things could be a lot worse.
