Reverend Conehead
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Yesterday my girlfriend texted me that she had a surprise for me when I got home. That gave me a lot of anticipation, but I regret to inform you that this post won't end up sounding like a letter to Penthouse Forum. Instead, I learned what a lunatic my girl is.
All day I couldn't wait to get home. When I got back to my place, Alicia was nowhere to be found. Then when I went back into my bedroom, I found Amber Heard standing there in the buff! I screamed! I was like, “We are NOT doing anything, Amber, you wacko. I have a girlfriend.” When she answered back, she had Alicia's voice, but it sounded muffled, and her mouth didn't match her words. She talked like one of those dubbed Japanese Godzilla movies.
Turns out, Alicia had gone over all my old Cowboys Zone posts and had decided that I had a thing for Amber Heard. What? Why would she think something so ridiculous? Anyway, she knew this Hollywood special effects person who was able to make a perfect silicone mask of Amber Heard, and he also made a perfect wig of her hair.
So it was actually Alicia standing there looking like an uncanny valley version of Amber Heard. She pressed herself against me and kissed me, but the silicone fake skin on her face felt cold, clammy, weird, and scary like a corpse.
I was like, “Stop that! Take off that mask!”
But she wouldn't listen to me. She kept coming onto like a zombie Amber Heard, and that silicone mask made these weird noises that sounded like a rude and sloppy person eating goulash. Slurp, slurp, slurp, slurp. Finally, I just ran out of there. I'm now typing this from a public library. She's texted me about how hurt she is that I ran out on her after her surprise. She paid a lot of money for that Heard mask thing, and is really proud of it.
So I need your advice. Do I go back to my place and just grin and bear it? Do I go ahead and make out with her in her silicone mask, even though it totally disgusts me? Or do I demand that she take it off? Should I just pay her her money back under the condition that she never wear it again?
This is a really tough situation. But I'm sure it's happened to you.
All day I couldn't wait to get home. When I got back to my place, Alicia was nowhere to be found. Then when I went back into my bedroom, I found Amber Heard standing there in the buff! I screamed! I was like, “We are NOT doing anything, Amber, you wacko. I have a girlfriend.” When she answered back, she had Alicia's voice, but it sounded muffled, and her mouth didn't match her words. She talked like one of those dubbed Japanese Godzilla movies.
Turns out, Alicia had gone over all my old Cowboys Zone posts and had decided that I had a thing for Amber Heard. What? Why would she think something so ridiculous? Anyway, she knew this Hollywood special effects person who was able to make a perfect silicone mask of Amber Heard, and he also made a perfect wig of her hair.
So it was actually Alicia standing there looking like an uncanny valley version of Amber Heard. She pressed herself against me and kissed me, but the silicone fake skin on her face felt cold, clammy, weird, and scary like a corpse.
I was like, “Stop that! Take off that mask!”
But she wouldn't listen to me. She kept coming onto like a zombie Amber Heard, and that silicone mask made these weird noises that sounded like a rude and sloppy person eating goulash. Slurp, slurp, slurp, slurp. Finally, I just ran out of there. I'm now typing this from a public library. She's texted me about how hurt she is that I ran out on her after her surprise. She paid a lot of money for that Heard mask thing, and is really proud of it.
So I need your advice. Do I go back to my place and just grin and bear it? Do I go ahead and make out with her in her silicone mask, even though it totally disgusts me? Or do I demand that she take it off? Should I just pay her her money back under the condition that she never wear it again?
This is a really tough situation. But I'm sure it's happened to you.
