Seven
Messenger to the football Gods
- Messages
- 19,301
- Reaction score
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I'm loitering thru the mall and eventually wander into a sports store, which I normally stay away from due to my finances never win the war of my desire, and I'm looking at the jerseys. Must've been a hunnerd of 'em. Throwbacks, different color schemes and configurations. Names sewn on, some not. Literally, a plethera of shiny, silky smooth garb that could probably wrap around earth, twice.
Now, I'm not the sort of fan that doesn't blink at dropping $100-$150 bones on a jersey. Once while making a double jersey purchase I think I blinked "save me" in morse code and nearly passed out in the process. I've got little mouths to feed and a couple other hobbies that help drain any hope of a fun-filled retirement.
I do have a select few (6
) and there is a "purchase theory" behind each one of them that contains a rigorus criteria break-down. Great player/guy, shoe in hall of famer, liked his style, etc., etc. I usually can get by with but a single jersey purchase every so often. That was then, this is now.
As I stood there running the nominees thru my head I realized, with great shock and horror, that I could literally buy a jersey for every guy on this football team. They all fit my criteria. We have a team full of good to great to awesome athlete's with heads on their shoulders to match. Now what?
My first thought (One has to realize that all of these thought processes happened in mere seconds. My mind was reeling off scenarios that were unhuman and I had zero control.) was to creat a diversion by pointing to the back of the store and yelling "OH MY GOD!! FIRE!!" Just as I thought this, one of the employees went in that direction and I quickly deduced he'd know there wasn't really a fire. Rats.
I casually glanced at my son, mathmatically calculating the remaining volume in his britches in which I could stuff all the jersey's I could grab. I figured if he(you see what I did there?) got caught they'd go easy on him being a small child and all, right? However, he'd probably become mentally scarred for life and it wound't occur to him until about age 30 and then I'd end up paying for all the therapy while living on a fixed income at that point. Not a bad plan, but risky none-the-less.
The wife's purse! That's it! Why, you could smuggle out a small country's population in that thing. I've used it in a forest fire for protection. We've camped as a family in that purse. We once ran out of gas, didn't have a can and I got 15 gallons in there. Genius!! I procalimed in my head.
I reeled around and began a Matrix like maneuver towards the thing, leaving my shoes where I originally stood, went careening off the sweatshirt rack, reached out with all my might and made a grab for it........she left it in the truck. The one and ONLY time she's ever left it in the truck. Thanks for being there, babe. Way to be. Now what?
I slowly returned to a normal color as the pale wore off, wiped the sweat from my brow and collected myself. I turned to take one last look and came to conclude I truly could buy a jersey for each guy on this current squad.
Now what?
Now, I'm not the sort of fan that doesn't blink at dropping $100-$150 bones on a jersey. Once while making a double jersey purchase I think I blinked "save me" in morse code and nearly passed out in the process. I've got little mouths to feed and a couple other hobbies that help drain any hope of a fun-filled retirement.
I do have a select few (6
) and there is a "purchase theory" behind each one of them that contains a rigorus criteria break-down. Great player/guy, shoe in hall of famer, liked his style, etc., etc. I usually can get by with but a single jersey purchase every so often. That was then, this is now.As I stood there running the nominees thru my head I realized, with great shock and horror, that I could literally buy a jersey for every guy on this football team. They all fit my criteria. We have a team full of good to great to awesome athlete's with heads on their shoulders to match. Now what?
My first thought (One has to realize that all of these thought processes happened in mere seconds. My mind was reeling off scenarios that were unhuman and I had zero control.) was to creat a diversion by pointing to the back of the store and yelling "OH MY GOD!! FIRE!!" Just as I thought this, one of the employees went in that direction and I quickly deduced he'd know there wasn't really a fire. Rats.
I casually glanced at my son, mathmatically calculating the remaining volume in his britches in which I could stuff all the jersey's I could grab. I figured if he(you see what I did there?) got caught they'd go easy on him being a small child and all, right? However, he'd probably become mentally scarred for life and it wound't occur to him until about age 30 and then I'd end up paying for all the therapy while living on a fixed income at that point. Not a bad plan, but risky none-the-less.
The wife's purse! That's it! Why, you could smuggle out a small country's population in that thing. I've used it in a forest fire for protection. We've camped as a family in that purse. We once ran out of gas, didn't have a can and I got 15 gallons in there. Genius!! I procalimed in my head.
I reeled around and began a Matrix like maneuver towards the thing, leaving my shoes where I originally stood, went careening off the sweatshirt rack, reached out with all my might and made a grab for it........she left it in the truck. The one and ONLY time she's ever left it in the truck. Thanks for being there, babe. Way to be. Now what?
I slowly returned to a normal color as the pale wore off, wiped the sweat from my brow and collected myself. I turned to take one last look and came to conclude I truly could buy a jersey for each guy on this current squad.
Now what?