The30YardSlant
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To the tune of Johnny Cash's "A Boy Named Sue":
My daddy played ball when I was three
And he gave all the talent to Peyton, not me
All I got was a skank and an empty bottle of booze.
Now, I don't blame him cause he never won
But he just had to take it out on his "other" son
'Cause 'fore he retired, he went and named me "Eli."
Well, he must o' thought that is quite a joke
And it got a lot of laughs from a' lots of folk,
It seems I really sucked at everything I did.
Some tackle'd hit me and I'd get sick,
And some DB laughed and I'd throw a pick,
I tell ya, life ain't easy for a boy named "Eli."
Well, I grew up dumb and I grew up slow,
My feet got happy and my IQ got low,
I'd just stand there and hold me head in shame.
But I made a vow to the moon and stars
That I'd try really, really hard
And maybe someday make my daddy proud
Well, it was Dallas, Texas in a brand new year
I got off the bus and shed a tear,
I just knew I was in way, way over my head
At an old stadium with a hole towards the sky
I stepped inside, and to my surprise,
Stood the Godly figure that they call "Romo."
Well, I knew that he'd get on quite a streak
'Cause he'd tapped Jessica three times that week,
At his side was the tag-team of Ellis and Ware.
They were big and stout and fast and mean
They looked at me, and I let out a scream
I yelled: "Those guys are huge, what will I do?
Oh **** I'm gonna die!!"
Well, they hit me hard right between the eyes
And I went down, to no one's surprise,
I could barely stand up to get the next snap
Well I finally got a few throws away,
But to my chagrin, they went horribly astray
Newman and Henry ate those ducks for lunch
I tell ya, I've played tougher teams
But I couldnt figure out that defensive scheme,
Seemed like they had 12 men on every play
I was pissing my pants because of that pass rush,
I was hurtin' bad and gettin' crushed
Hell, even Roy picked off a ball or two
Coach Coughlin said: "Son, you really suck
Your play makes me wonder 'What the ****?'
I hope I get fired and won't deal with you anymore.
See, your daddy gave that gay *** name
'Cause he knew you blew and your throws were lame
Clearly, God just likes your older brother more."
Romo said: "Now you just played one piss poor game
And I know you wish you had MY name
Too bad I'm living the life you wish you had
But ya ought to thank me, before I go,
For lettin' you be last week's attention ho
At least you had one week of everyone praising "Eli.'"
I got all choked up and my helmet came off
I just wanted to cry 'bout yet another loss,
The New York media took a dump all over me.
And I think 'bout that game, every now and then
Every time I try and rarely win,
And if I ever have a son, I think I'm gonna name him....
Oh who the Hell am I kidding, ain't no woman dumb enough to sleep with me!
My daddy played ball when I was three
And he gave all the talent to Peyton, not me
All I got was a skank and an empty bottle of booze.
Now, I don't blame him cause he never won
But he just had to take it out on his "other" son
'Cause 'fore he retired, he went and named me "Eli."
Well, he must o' thought that is quite a joke
And it got a lot of laughs from a' lots of folk,
It seems I really sucked at everything I did.
Some tackle'd hit me and I'd get sick,
And some DB laughed and I'd throw a pick,
I tell ya, life ain't easy for a boy named "Eli."
Well, I grew up dumb and I grew up slow,
My feet got happy and my IQ got low,
I'd just stand there and hold me head in shame.
But I made a vow to the moon and stars
That I'd try really, really hard
And maybe someday make my daddy proud
Well, it was Dallas, Texas in a brand new year
I got off the bus and shed a tear,
I just knew I was in way, way over my head
At an old stadium with a hole towards the sky
I stepped inside, and to my surprise,
Stood the Godly figure that they call "Romo."
Well, I knew that he'd get on quite a streak
'Cause he'd tapped Jessica three times that week,
At his side was the tag-team of Ellis and Ware.
They were big and stout and fast and mean
They looked at me, and I let out a scream
I yelled: "Those guys are huge, what will I do?
Oh **** I'm gonna die!!"
Well, they hit me hard right between the eyes
And I went down, to no one's surprise,
I could barely stand up to get the next snap
Well I finally got a few throws away,
But to my chagrin, they went horribly astray
Newman and Henry ate those ducks for lunch
I tell ya, I've played tougher teams
But I couldnt figure out that defensive scheme,
Seemed like they had 12 men on every play
I was pissing my pants because of that pass rush,
I was hurtin' bad and gettin' crushed
Hell, even Roy picked off a ball or two
Coach Coughlin said: "Son, you really suck
Your play makes me wonder 'What the ****?'
I hope I get fired and won't deal with you anymore.
See, your daddy gave that gay *** name
'Cause he knew you blew and your throws were lame
Clearly, God just likes your older brother more."
Romo said: "Now you just played one piss poor game
And I know you wish you had MY name
Too bad I'm living the life you wish you had
But ya ought to thank me, before I go,
For lettin' you be last week's attention ho
At least you had one week of everyone praising "Eli.'"
I got all choked up and my helmet came off
I just wanted to cry 'bout yet another loss,
The New York media took a dump all over me.
And I think 'bout that game, every now and then
Every time I try and rarely win,
And if I ever have a son, I think I'm gonna name him....
Oh who the Hell am I kidding, ain't no woman dumb enough to sleep with me!