Speaking without thinking

[Rackat]

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did....


I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't! let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

 

[needforspeed]

I work in the field of electrical distribution and part of my job is to build and wire device panels. Some of the devices we use will match up to the standard holes. If they don't, then we have to drill mounting holes and vacuum the shavings from the panel. Once the devices are on, the panel is passed on to the wireman. One day while I was wiring, the woman who was building put a device in the wrong location. I caught it, grabbed a drill, and put the device where it belonged. Before I could move, the woman who was building walked over with the vacuum and asked, "Would you like me to suck that off for you?" It got so quiet and then the entire work area just howled.
I said to her, "What page of the benefits handbook can I find that on?"

 

[Mavs Man]

A few years ago I was having lunch with a cousin of mine. At the time he was working as a butcher at a local Albertsons grocery store. Well, we had a flirtatious waitress and after we received the check my cousin tried to tell her he could cut her a good deal on some beef or seafood at the grocery store. Unfortunately, he failed to mention anything about actually being a butcher at a grocery store, so without any explanation or context this was all he said:

"Hey, how about I hook you up with some meat?"

I slapped my hand over my face and stifled a laugh. A few seconds later my cousin's face got red as he realized what he said.

Luckily, the waitress was out of earshot but I never let my cousin hear the end of it.

 

[Big Dakota]

My ex, her niece, my son and i were eating at A&W years ago. I had the broasted chicken and wanted a second dinner roll. So i asked the teenage boy who waited on us, "how much are your buns", and my ex kidded me for years. Still don't know why i didn't just ask for another dinner roll?

 

[CoCo]

My employer once had a luncheon to honor a soon to be departing long time employee. This employee was an excellent cook and had catered several company events over the years as well as just cooking up a batch of this or that to share for no special reason at all.

At the luncheon when the floor was open for employees to express their thanks to this woman, one man stood and thanked her "for satisfying all his fleshly desires." Not sure which of them turned more red.
The whole place busted out.