p1_
New Member
- Messages
- 658
- Reaction score
- 0
STRUTTIN' 'BOYS ARE EUNUCHS by The Fish
There's a probably-apocryphal story going around about a man who recently made a hospital visit in order to have his wedding ring cut off from his *****. It seems the mistress found the gold band in his pants pocket and angrily slipped it onto his manhood while he slept.
Imagine the man's horror upon waking up and discovering that:
a) His mistress knows he's married!
b) His wife is going to wonder why his ring is sawed in half!
c) His ***** actually fits through his wedding band!
Which, ladies and germs, brings us to your Dallas Cowboys, who have spent the season cockily strutting around bow-legged, as if to signify that a standard-issue pair of football pants and a God-issued male stride are simply not enough to contain their "America's Team'' manhood.
What did we learn in Seattle on Saturday night? Not only does the emperor have no clothes, he also has no anatomical need for a jock strap. You can't even slip a wedding band on this team's manhood -- this team is a eunuch.
It would be much easier to make this judgement had the Cowboys, instead of losing a tight, dramatic, bizarre 21-20 decision, been blown out. Much easier had it been made absolutely clear that Tony Romo is not at all ready for prime time, that this offensive line is a 1,500-pound turnstile, that Roy Williams can't cover OR tackle, that Bill Parcells should go to retirement and that Terrell Owens should go to hell.
Instead, the Cowboys bobbed along as did they did record-wise (9-8 in 17 outings) as they did just enough -- Julius Jones rushed for 112 yards, rookie linebacker Bobby Carpenter picked a nice time to have his only impactful game of the season and somebody named Miles Austin (or is it "Austin Miles''?) returned a kickoff 93 yards for a TD -- to possibly convince this franchise that it's plenty manly enough.
But. ...
This franchise hasn't won a playoff game in a decade. Meanwhile, 13 of the other 15 NFC franchises have done so.
This team entered the fourth quarter riding the unprecedented TD kickoff return (the first in team playoff history) with a 20-13 lead. And then, with 6:48 left, mounted a possession-stealing goalline stand. You win that game! Um, unless Terry Glenn fumbles backwards into the end zone for a safety and, on a last-minute field-goal try, your holder fails to hold.
This defensive coaching staff, faced with Seattle's multiple-receiver sets, stubbornly deciding to remain in their base 3-4 defense. So safeties were forced to cover wideouts (good luck with that, Roy Williams) and linebackers were forced to cover tight ends (congratulations, Jerramy Stevens, with those five catches for 77 yards and two TDs). Meanwhile, this offensive coaching staff, despite the depleted nature of Seattle's crummy secondary, couldn't find a way to involve Owens or Glenn. ... who likely would've bungled their opportunities, anyway.
Offensive staff stubborness. Defensive staff stubborness. Who's in charge around here?
Owner Jerry Jones wasted no time after the game endorsing the 2007 return of Owens (who caught two meaningless passes for 26 meaningless yards) and the return of Parcells (who is now a combined 8-13 in December and January since showing up four years ago to collect $20 million from the trusting boss) and the overall direction of the club.
Keep struttin', fellas. Keep denyin', too. Strut-and-Deny. Makes for a delicious Combo Platter.
Said Jones of InfalliBill: "I respect him. I think he's an outstanding coach. I have enjoyed working with him and will continue to enjoy working with him. I do want Bill to continue being the coach of the Cowboys.''
Said Jones of T.O.: "He got us in the playoffs. When we walked out here tonight, we had a better chance to win with Terrell on the team than Terrell not being on the team.''
Said Jones of the overall-direction thing: "We gave ourselves a chance this year to meet our goal. We didn't get it met, but we gave ourselves a chance.''
Maybe Jones is simply circling the wagons and watching his 'Boys' backs. If that's the approach, good for him -- at least in the immediacy of the sweat-and-tears-drenched locker room. Indeed, to the Cowboys' credit, they seemed especially to rally around Tony Romortal, who supplemented his lousy game as a QB (just 17-of-29 for 189 yards) by committing a Leon Lettish, Bill Buckneresque, Richard Nixony gaffe. Romo committed the boner of a lifetime when Dallas lined up for a 19-yard game-winning field goal try with 1:19 left. Somehow, he butterfingered the snap, ran for his life, and was squashed, along with all Cowboys hopes.
"I cost the Dallas Cowboys a playoff win,'' said stand-up guy Romo. "That's going to stay with me a long time. I don't know that I've ever felt this low.''
Romo at least gets it. This is "low.'' This is not OK. A smidge-above-.500 coach leading a smidge-above-.500 team is nothing to strut about.
How to address the many questions? We've got all offseason to analyze that. But for now, I'd suggest everyone involved remove their protective cups and replace them with thimbles.
There's a probably-apocryphal story going around about a man who recently made a hospital visit in order to have his wedding ring cut off from his *****. It seems the mistress found the gold band in his pants pocket and angrily slipped it onto his manhood while he slept.
Imagine the man's horror upon waking up and discovering that:
a) His mistress knows he's married!
b) His wife is going to wonder why his ring is sawed in half!
c) His ***** actually fits through his wedding band!
Which, ladies and germs, brings us to your Dallas Cowboys, who have spent the season cockily strutting around bow-legged, as if to signify that a standard-issue pair of football pants and a God-issued male stride are simply not enough to contain their "America's Team'' manhood.
What did we learn in Seattle on Saturday night? Not only does the emperor have no clothes, he also has no anatomical need for a jock strap. You can't even slip a wedding band on this team's manhood -- this team is a eunuch.
It would be much easier to make this judgement had the Cowboys, instead of losing a tight, dramatic, bizarre 21-20 decision, been blown out. Much easier had it been made absolutely clear that Tony Romo is not at all ready for prime time, that this offensive line is a 1,500-pound turnstile, that Roy Williams can't cover OR tackle, that Bill Parcells should go to retirement and that Terrell Owens should go to hell.
Instead, the Cowboys bobbed along as did they did record-wise (9-8 in 17 outings) as they did just enough -- Julius Jones rushed for 112 yards, rookie linebacker Bobby Carpenter picked a nice time to have his only impactful game of the season and somebody named Miles Austin (or is it "Austin Miles''?) returned a kickoff 93 yards for a TD -- to possibly convince this franchise that it's plenty manly enough.
But. ...
This franchise hasn't won a playoff game in a decade. Meanwhile, 13 of the other 15 NFC franchises have done so.
This team entered the fourth quarter riding the unprecedented TD kickoff return (the first in team playoff history) with a 20-13 lead. And then, with 6:48 left, mounted a possession-stealing goalline stand. You win that game! Um, unless Terry Glenn fumbles backwards into the end zone for a safety and, on a last-minute field-goal try, your holder fails to hold.
This defensive coaching staff, faced with Seattle's multiple-receiver sets, stubbornly deciding to remain in their base 3-4 defense. So safeties were forced to cover wideouts (good luck with that, Roy Williams) and linebackers were forced to cover tight ends (congratulations, Jerramy Stevens, with those five catches for 77 yards and two TDs). Meanwhile, this offensive coaching staff, despite the depleted nature of Seattle's crummy secondary, couldn't find a way to involve Owens or Glenn. ... who likely would've bungled their opportunities, anyway.
Offensive staff stubborness. Defensive staff stubborness. Who's in charge around here?
Owner Jerry Jones wasted no time after the game endorsing the 2007 return of Owens (who caught two meaningless passes for 26 meaningless yards) and the return of Parcells (who is now a combined 8-13 in December and January since showing up four years ago to collect $20 million from the trusting boss) and the overall direction of the club.
Keep struttin', fellas. Keep denyin', too. Strut-and-Deny. Makes for a delicious Combo Platter.
Said Jones of InfalliBill: "I respect him. I think he's an outstanding coach. I have enjoyed working with him and will continue to enjoy working with him. I do want Bill to continue being the coach of the Cowboys.''
Said Jones of T.O.: "He got us in the playoffs. When we walked out here tonight, we had a better chance to win with Terrell on the team than Terrell not being on the team.''
Said Jones of the overall-direction thing: "We gave ourselves a chance this year to meet our goal. We didn't get it met, but we gave ourselves a chance.''
Maybe Jones is simply circling the wagons and watching his 'Boys' backs. If that's the approach, good for him -- at least in the immediacy of the sweat-and-tears-drenched locker room. Indeed, to the Cowboys' credit, they seemed especially to rally around Tony Romortal, who supplemented his lousy game as a QB (just 17-of-29 for 189 yards) by committing a Leon Lettish, Bill Buckneresque, Richard Nixony gaffe. Romo committed the boner of a lifetime when Dallas lined up for a 19-yard game-winning field goal try with 1:19 left. Somehow, he butterfingered the snap, ran for his life, and was squashed, along with all Cowboys hopes.
"I cost the Dallas Cowboys a playoff win,'' said stand-up guy Romo. "That's going to stay with me a long time. I don't know that I've ever felt this low.''
Romo at least gets it. This is "low.'' This is not OK. A smidge-above-.500 coach leading a smidge-above-.500 team is nothing to strut about.
How to address the many questions? We've got all offseason to analyze that. But for now, I'd suggest everyone involved remove their protective cups and replace them with thimbles.