Gryphon
Merge Ahead
- Messages
- 3,407
- Reaction score
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Sorry for repost:
http://kissmesuzy.blogspot.com/2006/...rojectile.html
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
The Eagles Fan's Guide To Projectile Weaponry
As you well know, it's TO Week in Philly, as Dr. Kevorkian's latest muse joins the Cowboys to take on the Eagles on Sunday. And while we at KSK certainly don't endorse something as tasteless as throwing objects onto the field, we're certainly looking forward to exactly that occurring. After all, we're illegitimate pseudo-journalists here. And journalists root for the story, people. And I can't think of a better story to root for than "Owens impaled by upper deck trident throw."
Philadelphians, you have been presented with a golden opportunity to create a landmark moment in the history of sporting violence. You'll have the chance to join Piston fans; ice-throwing Giant fans; record-burning, Hitler-emulating White Sox fans; and unimaginative bottle-throwing Browns fans in the pantheon of sports fans who disgrace their city and their team, while entertaining me and my lack of shame in the process. You possess that all-too-rare combo of stupidity and obliviousness to pull it off. Imagine how deeply Joe Buck would furrow his brow at you.
But what of your arsenal? What can you throw at TO from the stands, while drunk, that has the best chance of being A) On target, B) Somewhat clever, and C) Egregiously harmful? Well, before we consider what you can throw, let's consider what you can't throw, according to the banned items list at Lincoln Financial Field:
-No outside alcohol
-No animals (which is too bad, because I'd like to throw a cat on the field just as the injury cart rolls into the tunnel)
-No bags larger than 12x12x12" (my scrotum excepted)
-No bottles and cans (and just clap your hands and just clap your hands...)
-No thermoses (Too bad, because liquid makes things heavy.)
-No food not wrapped in clear plastic (because confusing egg salad with plastique explosive is something a security guard would excel at)
-No beverages
-No hard-sided coolers (that means you, Igloo)
-No umbrellas
-No fireworks, firearms and weapons of any kind (But what of Brian Westbrook? What a weapon!)
-No footballs (Not even Hutches, which is too bad. When I was a kid, there were kids who could throw a Hutch so hard it gave you a f****** aneurysm. I was not one of them.)
-No laser pointers (You'll upstage Costanza!)
-No noisemakers (And seriously, noisemakers are gay. They ruin every New Year's party. You're gonna sneak one into a football game? Will you also be sneaking in your Delbert McClinton record collection?)
-No signs or flags on sticks or poles (It's the sticks and poles they probably care about the most.)
-No strollers (which means you'll need the Baby Bjorn if you want to double-fist)
-No video cameras and video capable cell phones (They wouldn't want you overtaking NFL Films!)
-No throwing objects (Doesn't this constitute everything?)
-No any other item or action deemed dangerous or inappropriate (Again, this could mean anything. Particularly if the object happens to be in the hands of Jeff Speakman, the perfect f****** weapon.)
So there's your banned items list.
http://kissmesuzy.blogspot.com/2006/...rojectile.html
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
The Eagles Fan's Guide To Projectile Weaponry
As you well know, it's TO Week in Philly, as Dr. Kevorkian's latest muse joins the Cowboys to take on the Eagles on Sunday. And while we at KSK certainly don't endorse something as tasteless as throwing objects onto the field, we're certainly looking forward to exactly that occurring. After all, we're illegitimate pseudo-journalists here. And journalists root for the story, people. And I can't think of a better story to root for than "Owens impaled by upper deck trident throw."
Philadelphians, you have been presented with a golden opportunity to create a landmark moment in the history of sporting violence. You'll have the chance to join Piston fans; ice-throwing Giant fans; record-burning, Hitler-emulating White Sox fans; and unimaginative bottle-throwing Browns fans in the pantheon of sports fans who disgrace their city and their team, while entertaining me and my lack of shame in the process. You possess that all-too-rare combo of stupidity and obliviousness to pull it off. Imagine how deeply Joe Buck would furrow his brow at you.
But what of your arsenal? What can you throw at TO from the stands, while drunk, that has the best chance of being A) On target, B) Somewhat clever, and C) Egregiously harmful? Well, before we consider what you can throw, let's consider what you can't throw, according to the banned items list at Lincoln Financial Field:
-No outside alcohol
-No animals (which is too bad, because I'd like to throw a cat on the field just as the injury cart rolls into the tunnel)
-No bags larger than 12x12x12" (my scrotum excepted)
-No bottles and cans (and just clap your hands and just clap your hands...)
-No thermoses (Too bad, because liquid makes things heavy.)
-No food not wrapped in clear plastic (because confusing egg salad with plastique explosive is something a security guard would excel at)
-No beverages
-No hard-sided coolers (that means you, Igloo)
-No umbrellas
-No fireworks, firearms and weapons of any kind (But what of Brian Westbrook? What a weapon!)
-No footballs (Not even Hutches, which is too bad. When I was a kid, there were kids who could throw a Hutch so hard it gave you a f****** aneurysm. I was not one of them.)
-No laser pointers (You'll upstage Costanza!)
-No noisemakers (And seriously, noisemakers are gay. They ruin every New Year's party. You're gonna sneak one into a football game? Will you also be sneaking in your Delbert McClinton record collection?)
-No signs or flags on sticks or poles (It's the sticks and poles they probably care about the most.)
-No strollers (which means you'll need the Baby Bjorn if you want to double-fist)
-No video cameras and video capable cell phones (They wouldn't want you overtaking NFL Films!)
-No throwing objects (Doesn't this constitute everything?)
-No any other item or action deemed dangerous or inappropriate (Again, this could mean anything. Particularly if the object happens to be in the hands of Jeff Speakman, the perfect f****** weapon.)
So there's your banned items list.
