dadymat
I'm kind of a Big Deal
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by Kevin Hench
Updated: August 20, 2008, 4:05 PM EST
When Laura Bush got married, you know at least 15 of her Kappa Alpha Theta sorority sisters from SMU figured they had a better shot than she did of becoming First Lady of the United States.
Who's first?
Still not sure who deserves to be First Lady of the NFL? We've got some photos of the candidates that might help you make up your mind.
The scouting report on Poppy Bush's oldest son George had some holes in it. But "Lar" saw something in him others perhaps missed and got to live out what must certainly have been the fantasy of every Theta in the then-Southwest Conference.
The criteria for becoming First Lady is simple: marry the future P.O.T.U.S.
Not as easy is becoming First Lady of the NFL. What exactly is First Lady of the NFL, you ask? Well, for starters, it's an excuse for us to bring you this photo. This photo. And this photo.
Secondly ... uh ... OK, there is no secondly.
But that doesn't mean we don't have to settle the debate. Who is the First Lady of the NFL?
There have been several contenders to the throne over the years.
1999 Playmate of the Year Heather Kozar could have worn the crown, but she proved to be a weak judge of talent, yo-yoing between disappointments Tim Couch and Cade McNown before marrying Couch, the No. 1 overall pick in 1999. So, yes, each in their own way, Couch (64 TDs, 67 INTs) and Kozar (36-24-35) are spectacular busts.
Soccer-playing beauty Heather Mitts would have brought unique athletic gifts — as well as other considerable gifts — to the office. But two events derailed her candidacy: A) she broke up with A.J. Feeley last year and B) she had been dating A.J. Feeley.
Jeff Garcia dating and marrying 2004 Playmate of the Year Carmella DeCesare was an insanely effective rebuttal to the innuendo Terrell Owens had made about the QB when the two were teammates in San Francisco. And DeCesare may have made a great First Lady for the league, but assault charges stemming from a bar fight involving a woman Garcia was allegedly cheating with effectively torpedoed her chances. Secretary of Homeland Security perhaps.
Minor candidates notwithstanding, there are really only two serious nominees for this gig: Gisele Bundchen and Jessica Simpson.
Their lesser halves — Tom Brady and Tony Romo — may well be on a collision course this season, destined to meet in Super Bowl XLIII. But before the season kicks off we need to decide which one of these deserving ladies is the queen bee.
Jessica and Gisele were born 10 days apart in July of 1980 in what would have to be considered one of God's most generous months on record. They will be judged in five categories: football roots, talent, wealth, power and culpability for playoff defeat.
Roots
Jessica was born in Abilene, Texas, which gives her an edge over her Brazilian-born (and waxed) competition. No one has ever had to clarify "American football" for Jessica, whereas futbol is the religion of Gisele's homeland. If you aspire to be First Lady of the quintessentially American sport it doesn't hurt to be from Texas.
Edge: Simpson
Talent
Jessica was actually very funny on "Saturday Night Live" and she has truly great pipes (and her voice ain't bad either). Gisele hasn't shown us any real talent beyond the mesmerizing one that pays the bills.
Edge: Simpson
Wealth
Jessica is hardly short on earning power, but it's quite likely in the wake of his $67M contract extension that Romo will become the couple's primary breadwinner. Gisele's net worth dwarfs Tom Brady's. She has made over $30M each of the last two years and has a net worth of around $150M. In this respect it's very much a Cindy McCain-John McCain type of deal. Sen. McCain, a 26-year veteran of the House and Senate, is by no means indigent, but Cindy, the beer baroness, buys the vacation houses and provides the private jet. Brady can pick up the dinner check, but if the couple ever buys an island, that check will be written from the Supermodel Inc. account.
Edge: Bundchen
Power
Not only has the "Bundchen Index" — companies endorsed by Gisele — outperformed the rest of the New York Stock Exchange by almost two to one since analysts began charting it, but Gisele is not afraid to take on arguably the most powerful man in the world. When Pope Benedict XVI visited Brazil, Gisele, raised a Roman Catholic, boldly pontificated against the pontiff: "To prohibit condoms is ridiculous, just think of all the diseases transmitted without them. How is it possible to not want people to use condoms and also not have abortions? It's impossible, I'm sorry."
Edge: Bundchen
Culpability for playoff defeat
Job No.1 for the NFL First Lady is do no harm. That means making sure you're safely on tour or on the runways of Europe when your man has a bye week and is preparing to win his first-ever playoff game.
In the aftermath of the Cowboys' flameout against the Giants in January everyone in the Dallas organization seemed to rally to Romo's defense, including a teary-eyed T.O. But if a prizefighter is discouraged from intimacy in the lead-up to a title bout, why would it be considered OK to jet off to Cabo with a woman who can make your legs wobbly just by looking at a still from the Dukes of Hazzard? It's one thing to think Chicken of the Sea is chicken, but how could a girl from Texas not know that you don't canoodle in Cabo with a callow QB on the eve of the big game?
Why wasn't there the same fallout when Brady played mortally in Super Bowl XLII after being seen with Gisele in New York with walking boot and without? Unlike Romo (0-2) Brady began his playoff career with 10 straight wins. So if he wants to limp into trendy New York club Butter with Ms. Bundchen — or roll around in a vat of margarine with her — that's his decision and he's beyond second-guessing. Gisele gets a pass here because she had the selectivity to hook up with a three-time Super Bowl champ.
Edge: Bundchen
And the winner is ... well, that's up to you. My vote, in a squeaker, goes to Gisele.
Updated: August 20, 2008, 4:05 PM EST
When Laura Bush got married, you know at least 15 of her Kappa Alpha Theta sorority sisters from SMU figured they had a better shot than she did of becoming First Lady of the United States.
Who's first?
Still not sure who deserves to be First Lady of the NFL? We've got some photos of the candidates that might help you make up your mind.
The scouting report on Poppy Bush's oldest son George had some holes in it. But "Lar" saw something in him others perhaps missed and got to live out what must certainly have been the fantasy of every Theta in the then-Southwest Conference.
The criteria for becoming First Lady is simple: marry the future P.O.T.U.S.
Not as easy is becoming First Lady of the NFL. What exactly is First Lady of the NFL, you ask? Well, for starters, it's an excuse for us to bring you this photo. This photo. And this photo.
Secondly ... uh ... OK, there is no secondly.
But that doesn't mean we don't have to settle the debate. Who is the First Lady of the NFL?
There have been several contenders to the throne over the years.
1999 Playmate of the Year Heather Kozar could have worn the crown, but she proved to be a weak judge of talent, yo-yoing between disappointments Tim Couch and Cade McNown before marrying Couch, the No. 1 overall pick in 1999. So, yes, each in their own way, Couch (64 TDs, 67 INTs) and Kozar (36-24-35) are spectacular busts.
Soccer-playing beauty Heather Mitts would have brought unique athletic gifts — as well as other considerable gifts — to the office. But two events derailed her candidacy: A) she broke up with A.J. Feeley last year and B) she had been dating A.J. Feeley.
Jeff Garcia dating and marrying 2004 Playmate of the Year Carmella DeCesare was an insanely effective rebuttal to the innuendo Terrell Owens had made about the QB when the two were teammates in San Francisco. And DeCesare may have made a great First Lady for the league, but assault charges stemming from a bar fight involving a woman Garcia was allegedly cheating with effectively torpedoed her chances. Secretary of Homeland Security perhaps.
Minor candidates notwithstanding, there are really only two serious nominees for this gig: Gisele Bundchen and Jessica Simpson.
Their lesser halves — Tom Brady and Tony Romo — may well be on a collision course this season, destined to meet in Super Bowl XLIII. But before the season kicks off we need to decide which one of these deserving ladies is the queen bee.
Jessica and Gisele were born 10 days apart in July of 1980 in what would have to be considered one of God's most generous months on record. They will be judged in five categories: football roots, talent, wealth, power and culpability for playoff defeat.
Roots
Jessica was born in Abilene, Texas, which gives her an edge over her Brazilian-born (and waxed) competition. No one has ever had to clarify "American football" for Jessica, whereas futbol is the religion of Gisele's homeland. If you aspire to be First Lady of the quintessentially American sport it doesn't hurt to be from Texas.
Edge: Simpson
Talent
Jessica was actually very funny on "Saturday Night Live" and she has truly great pipes (and her voice ain't bad either). Gisele hasn't shown us any real talent beyond the mesmerizing one that pays the bills.
Edge: Simpson
Wealth
Jessica is hardly short on earning power, but it's quite likely in the wake of his $67M contract extension that Romo will become the couple's primary breadwinner. Gisele's net worth dwarfs Tom Brady's. She has made over $30M each of the last two years and has a net worth of around $150M. In this respect it's very much a Cindy McCain-John McCain type of deal. Sen. McCain, a 26-year veteran of the House and Senate, is by no means indigent, but Cindy, the beer baroness, buys the vacation houses and provides the private jet. Brady can pick up the dinner check, but if the couple ever buys an island, that check will be written from the Supermodel Inc. account.
Edge: Bundchen
Power
Not only has the "Bundchen Index" — companies endorsed by Gisele — outperformed the rest of the New York Stock Exchange by almost two to one since analysts began charting it, but Gisele is not afraid to take on arguably the most powerful man in the world. When Pope Benedict XVI visited Brazil, Gisele, raised a Roman Catholic, boldly pontificated against the pontiff: "To prohibit condoms is ridiculous, just think of all the diseases transmitted without them. How is it possible to not want people to use condoms and also not have abortions? It's impossible, I'm sorry."
Edge: Bundchen
Culpability for playoff defeat
Job No.1 for the NFL First Lady is do no harm. That means making sure you're safely on tour or on the runways of Europe when your man has a bye week and is preparing to win his first-ever playoff game.
In the aftermath of the Cowboys' flameout against the Giants in January everyone in the Dallas organization seemed to rally to Romo's defense, including a teary-eyed T.O. But if a prizefighter is discouraged from intimacy in the lead-up to a title bout, why would it be considered OK to jet off to Cabo with a woman who can make your legs wobbly just by looking at a still from the Dukes of Hazzard? It's one thing to think Chicken of the Sea is chicken, but how could a girl from Texas not know that you don't canoodle in Cabo with a callow QB on the eve of the big game?
Why wasn't there the same fallout when Brady played mortally in Super Bowl XLII after being seen with Gisele in New York with walking boot and without? Unlike Romo (0-2) Brady began his playoff career with 10 straight wins. So if he wants to limp into trendy New York club Butter with Ms. Bundchen — or roll around in a vat of margarine with her — that's his decision and he's beyond second-guessing. Gisele gets a pass here because she had the selectivity to hook up with a three-time Super Bowl champ.
Edge: Bundchen
And the winner is ... well, that's up to you. My vote, in a squeaker, goes to Gisele.