Yeagermeister
Well-Known Member
- Messages
- 47,629
- Reaction score
- 117
"Today's tip on how to ensure your own eternal damnation:"
During the holidays, set up your own personal "Salvation Army Bucket and
Bell".
Donating a bunch of "paint by numbers" books to schools for the blind and
then claiming it as a tax deduction.
Catching, cleaning, cooking, and eating one of the ducks, in your room, at
the "Peabody".
Voting Democrat.
Trying to buy beach front property in "Sri Lanka".
Deliver 20 dozen boxes of "Krispy Kremes" to the lobby of a "Weight
Watchers" convention.
Opening a BBQ stand right across the street from your local neighborhood
Mosque.
In true "Pete Rose Style", betting AGAINST the little league team that you
coach.
When a loved one dies, heavily "spiking" the punch at the wake, ensuring
everyone gets liquored up, and then turning the camcorder "on".
Telling Middle school girls on career day, they can make a lot of money as
strippers.
Volunteer to go play games with the kids at the orphanage, but never let
them win, and when they lose, rub it in with the chant, "Whose your daddy?"
Anytime you see a "free kittens to good home" sign, drive over take twenty
minutes to pick out that "special one" and as soon as you get everybody
emotionally involved in your selection, say "yeah, this is gonna be just
right for my python" and then drive away.
Everytime you're on a crowded flight, just after takeoff start singing the
words to "This is the song that never ends" or "It's a small world after
all" or some other equally annoying "get stuck in your head" kind of song.
Then every 30 minutes or so, whistle it.
On-site betting at the "Special Olympics"
Place alka-seltzer tablets on your body or in your clothing before getting
baptised, then when they pull you up from the water, start screaming "It
burns, it burns".
Paying your "Ronald McDonald house telethon pledge" with "Monopoly Money".
Helping the "Boy Scouts" to earn their "Computer Merit Badge" by showing
them how to download free porn.
Switching the contents of a tube of "Preperation H" with "Ben-gay" and
then returning it to the store.
Blowing out all the candles at the church, and when someone complains say,
"Hey, it's my birthday!!"
Taking a visit to the Alzhiemers ward ONCE A MONTH and greeting each
patient with the words: "Hi I'm your grandson Bobby, and you told me to come
get my birthday present."
You and your buddies offering to buy $300 worth of cookies to the winner
of the "All Girl Scout - wet t-shirt contest".
While at "Chuck E. Cheese's" secretly pinning some extra "flair" on the
guy in the big rat suit that says "I'm Gay and will die alone."
Befriending that dorky foreign college student who doesn't speak much
english, and invite him to hang out with you on friday night. Give hime
directions to a gay bar, tell him to wait for you in case you're running a
little late, and then never show up.
Getting a nice "Rainbow sticker" and placing it on the back of the Jehovah
Witnesses's car, the next time they come around to visit during mealtime.
Sending the complete set of "Exercise with Playmate" workout tapes, as a
"get well" present, to the Pope.
Using a remote controlled fart machine, during the memorial service, at
the funeral parlor.
"Exlax" brownies for the homeless.
Sending a "Catholic-school-girl" stip-o-gram to the monestary. (think
about it, they can't say "STOP" due to that whole "vow of silence" thing)
Under the guise of research, getting a group of people together all who
suffer from epilepsy, for a nice game of "charades". (OK, it's a movie .....
swat the mosquito, swat the mosquito, uh..... two words, ....swat the
mosquito, swat the mosquito.......uh, sounds like....)
Booking Muhammad Ali, Michael J. Fox and the Pope, for the first
"Celebrity Showdown" of the board-game: "OPERATION". (ehhhhhh, ehhhhh,
ehhh, ehhhhhhh, ehhhh, ehhhhhhhhh)
Replacing the "movie of the week" at the "Betty Ford Clinic" with Cheech
and Chong's "Up in Smoke".
On the charter flight heading toward the "Dealing with Anorexia
Symposium", hiding all the "Barf Bags" and locking the bathroom, just after
the meal service.
Run a "After School Program" or a "Day Care" for ADHD children, making
sure they eat as much candy as they want, 30 minutes before it's time for
their parents to pick them up.
Buy a few hundred crickets at the local bait shop, and let them loose in
the house of your insomniac uncle.
Telling someone who suffers from chronic depression, that they might feel
better if they weren't so worthless.
The next time you see the police or fire dept. collecting money at the
intersection, donate your "canadian money" that you just can't seem to get
rid of.
Starting your own charity, "Harmonicas for the Hare lipped."
ffffffffffffffff, ffffffffffffff
"Greasing" the "wheel-chair ramps" at the old folks home.
Teaching sexually explicit profanity, to that parrot in the pet store.
(use your imagination)
Sitting in the parking lot at a funeral so you can be one of the first
couple of cars in line. Then at the opportune moment, leading all the cars
behind you in a wild goose chase around town, that ends up at the "Pony".
"Supplementing" the punch, at the "meet & greet" portion of the Southern
Baptist Pastor's convention, with "Viagra".
While visiting your terminally ill grandma at the hospital, using the
other half of the "SEMI-PRIVATE" room to "take care of business with the
Mrs." (don't worry, grandma was asleep)
While working that summer job at the amusement park, serving "Syrup of
Ipecac" snowcones.
Sending to that annoying neighbor, by standard postal ground mail, in a
plain brown paper wrapped box, packed with styrofoam peanuts, a "turd" in a
ziplock bag.
Disguised as a protestor, instead of water, slipping in and giving Terri
Schiavo some hotsauce, just to see if she's just been faking all this time
to get out of doing housework.
At the "Special Olympics", hold up sign near the finish line that says,
"WRONG WAY".
Telling the kids at the orphanage that probably no one will ever love
them.
Trying to market the "Terri Schiavo" weight loss plan.
"Doubling down" on your "Death pool bet" on the Pope.
Bursting into song during the Pope's funeral procession: Na-na-na-na,
Na-na-na-na, Hey-hey-hey, Goodbye.
Rounding up a bunch of volunteers at the amputee support picnic for a game
of "Twister". (left stump blue)
Teaching a workshop where you help both the "Boy Scouts" and the "Girl
Scouts" earn their "Advanced Profanity Merit Badge".
At the "Conference of Cardinals","No-Limit Texas Hold'em" to determine the
next Pope.
In an attempt to keep youngsters appraised of current events, while
discussing the Michael Jackson case, introducing "NAKED TIME" at the
daycare.
Dressed as Santa Claus, showing up at the orphanage with a huge bag of
toys, and as soon as all the kids gather, pulling a slip of paper from your
pocket and say, "I'm sorry wrong address" and then walk out.
As a kindergarten substitute teacher, giving the kids some "Jesus juice"
during snack time, so while they're really enjoying "Nap Time", and you can
run to "Hooters" to pick up some hot wings.
At the Miss USA pagent, replacing all the Hotel baby lotion bottles with
one's that have been given a "Rogaine" supplement. (and now Miss North
Hair-o-lina)
At the "assisted living" apartments for the elderly, placing "Closed for
maintanence / Please use stairs" signs on all the elevators.
During the holidays, set up your own personal "Salvation Army Bucket and
Bell".
Donating a bunch of "paint by numbers" books to schools for the blind and
then claiming it as a tax deduction.
Catching, cleaning, cooking, and eating one of the ducks, in your room, at
the "Peabody".
Voting Democrat.
Trying to buy beach front property in "Sri Lanka".
Deliver 20 dozen boxes of "Krispy Kremes" to the lobby of a "Weight
Watchers" convention.
Opening a BBQ stand right across the street from your local neighborhood
Mosque.
In true "Pete Rose Style", betting AGAINST the little league team that you
coach.
When a loved one dies, heavily "spiking" the punch at the wake, ensuring
everyone gets liquored up, and then turning the camcorder "on".
Telling Middle school girls on career day, they can make a lot of money as
strippers.
Volunteer to go play games with the kids at the orphanage, but never let
them win, and when they lose, rub it in with the chant, "Whose your daddy?"
Anytime you see a "free kittens to good home" sign, drive over take twenty
minutes to pick out that "special one" and as soon as you get everybody
emotionally involved in your selection, say "yeah, this is gonna be just
right for my python" and then drive away.
Everytime you're on a crowded flight, just after takeoff start singing the
words to "This is the song that never ends" or "It's a small world after
all" or some other equally annoying "get stuck in your head" kind of song.
Then every 30 minutes or so, whistle it.
On-site betting at the "Special Olympics"
Place alka-seltzer tablets on your body or in your clothing before getting
baptised, then when they pull you up from the water, start screaming "It
burns, it burns".
Paying your "Ronald McDonald house telethon pledge" with "Monopoly Money".
Helping the "Boy Scouts" to earn their "Computer Merit Badge" by showing
them how to download free porn.
Switching the contents of a tube of "Preperation H" with "Ben-gay" and
then returning it to the store.
Blowing out all the candles at the church, and when someone complains say,
"Hey, it's my birthday!!"
Taking a visit to the Alzhiemers ward ONCE A MONTH and greeting each
patient with the words: "Hi I'm your grandson Bobby, and you told me to come
get my birthday present."
You and your buddies offering to buy $300 worth of cookies to the winner
of the "All Girl Scout - wet t-shirt contest".
While at "Chuck E. Cheese's" secretly pinning some extra "flair" on the
guy in the big rat suit that says "I'm Gay and will die alone."
Befriending that dorky foreign college student who doesn't speak much
english, and invite him to hang out with you on friday night. Give hime
directions to a gay bar, tell him to wait for you in case you're running a
little late, and then never show up.
Getting a nice "Rainbow sticker" and placing it on the back of the Jehovah
Witnesses's car, the next time they come around to visit during mealtime.
Sending the complete set of "Exercise with Playmate" workout tapes, as a
"get well" present, to the Pope.
Using a remote controlled fart machine, during the memorial service, at
the funeral parlor.
"Exlax" brownies for the homeless.
Sending a "Catholic-school-girl" stip-o-gram to the monestary. (think
about it, they can't say "STOP" due to that whole "vow of silence" thing)
Under the guise of research, getting a group of people together all who
suffer from epilepsy, for a nice game of "charades". (OK, it's a movie .....
swat the mosquito, swat the mosquito, uh..... two words, ....swat the
mosquito, swat the mosquito.......uh, sounds like....)
Booking Muhammad Ali, Michael J. Fox and the Pope, for the first
"Celebrity Showdown" of the board-game: "OPERATION". (ehhhhhh, ehhhhh,
ehhh, ehhhhhhh, ehhhh, ehhhhhhhhh)
Replacing the "movie of the week" at the "Betty Ford Clinic" with Cheech
and Chong's "Up in Smoke".
On the charter flight heading toward the "Dealing with Anorexia
Symposium", hiding all the "Barf Bags" and locking the bathroom, just after
the meal service.
Run a "After School Program" or a "Day Care" for ADHD children, making
sure they eat as much candy as they want, 30 minutes before it's time for
their parents to pick them up.
Buy a few hundred crickets at the local bait shop, and let them loose in
the house of your insomniac uncle.
Telling someone who suffers from chronic depression, that they might feel
better if they weren't so worthless.
The next time you see the police or fire dept. collecting money at the
intersection, donate your "canadian money" that you just can't seem to get
rid of.
Starting your own charity, "Harmonicas for the Hare lipped."
ffffffffffffffff, ffffffffffffff
"Greasing" the "wheel-chair ramps" at the old folks home.
Teaching sexually explicit profanity, to that parrot in the pet store.
(use your imagination)
Sitting in the parking lot at a funeral so you can be one of the first
couple of cars in line. Then at the opportune moment, leading all the cars
behind you in a wild goose chase around town, that ends up at the "Pony".
"Supplementing" the punch, at the "meet & greet" portion of the Southern
Baptist Pastor's convention, with "Viagra".
While visiting your terminally ill grandma at the hospital, using the
other half of the "SEMI-PRIVATE" room to "take care of business with the
Mrs." (don't worry, grandma was asleep)
While working that summer job at the amusement park, serving "Syrup of
Ipecac" snowcones.
Sending to that annoying neighbor, by standard postal ground mail, in a
plain brown paper wrapped box, packed with styrofoam peanuts, a "turd" in a
ziplock bag.
Disguised as a protestor, instead of water, slipping in and giving Terri
Schiavo some hotsauce, just to see if she's just been faking all this time
to get out of doing housework.
At the "Special Olympics", hold up sign near the finish line that says,
"WRONG WAY".
Telling the kids at the orphanage that probably no one will ever love
them.
Trying to market the "Terri Schiavo" weight loss plan.
"Doubling down" on your "Death pool bet" on the Pope.
Bursting into song during the Pope's funeral procession: Na-na-na-na,
Na-na-na-na, Hey-hey-hey, Goodbye.
Rounding up a bunch of volunteers at the amputee support picnic for a game
of "Twister". (left stump blue)
Teaching a workshop where you help both the "Boy Scouts" and the "Girl
Scouts" earn their "Advanced Profanity Merit Badge".
At the "Conference of Cardinals","No-Limit Texas Hold'em" to determine the
next Pope.
In an attempt to keep youngsters appraised of current events, while
discussing the Michael Jackson case, introducing "NAKED TIME" at the
daycare.
Dressed as Santa Claus, showing up at the orphanage with a huge bag of
toys, and as soon as all the kids gather, pulling a slip of paper from your
pocket and say, "I'm sorry wrong address" and then walk out.
As a kindergarten substitute teacher, giving the kids some "Jesus juice"
during snack time, so while they're really enjoying "Nap Time", and you can
run to "Hooters" to pick up some hot wings.
At the Miss USA pagent, replacing all the Hotel baby lotion bottles with
one's that have been given a "Rogaine" supplement. (and now Miss North
Hair-o-lina)
At the "assisted living" apartments for the elderly, placing "Closed for
maintanence / Please use stairs" signs on all the elevators.
