adbutcher
K9NME
- Messages
- 12,284
- Reaction score
- 2,907
1. NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening
when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.
She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my
5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a
seat belt!"
2. HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me
he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and
threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment,
then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it
up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one
out too then, cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."
3. OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader! handed his teacher a note
from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this
child are not necessarily those of his parents."
4. KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During
her struggle the phone rang, so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to
answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said. Then
she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.
She's hitting the bottle."
5. MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost a! t the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with
ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched
in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever
seen a little boy before?"
6. POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I
was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and
down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I
answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I
ever needed help, I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes,
that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her
foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
7.POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was
barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you
got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the
boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally
he said, "What'd he do?"
8. ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon
rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of
old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day
I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I
braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely
turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
9. DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she
saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't
wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always
gives you a headache the next morning."
10. DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our
minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar
wilt. Apparently his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a
dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had
secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made
ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was
chosen to say the appropr! iate prayers and with sonorous dignity
intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
"Glory be unto the Faaaaaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into
the hole he gooooes."
11. SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just
wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't
write and they won't let me talk."
12. BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. W! hat he saw was
an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama,
look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there,
dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,
"I think it's Adam's underwear."
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening
when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.
She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my
5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a
seat belt!"
2. HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me
he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and
threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment,
then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it
up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one
out too then, cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."
3. OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader! handed his teacher a note
from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this
child are not necessarily those of his parents."
4. KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During
her struggle the phone rang, so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to
answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said. Then
she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.
She's hitting the bottle."
5. MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost a! t the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with
ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched
in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever
seen a little boy before?"
6. POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I
was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and
down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I
answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I
ever needed help, I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes,
that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her
foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
7.POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was
barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you
got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the
boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally
he said, "What'd he do?"
8. ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon
rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of
old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day
I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I
braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely
turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
9. DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she
saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't
wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always
gives you a headache the next morning."
10. DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our
minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar
wilt. Apparently his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a
dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had
secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made
ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was
chosen to say the appropr! iate prayers and with sonorous dignity
intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
"Glory be unto the Faaaaaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into
the hole he gooooes."
11. SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just
wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't
write and they won't let me talk."
12. BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. W! hat he saw was
an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama,
look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there,
dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,
"I think it's Adam's underwear."
