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Why Your Team Sucks 2015: New York Giants
49,152
8
Drew Magary
Filed to: WHY YOUR TEAM SUCKS 2015 7/30/15 1:07pm
Some people are fans of the New York Giants. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the New York Giants. This 2015 ******** NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.
Your team: New York Giants.
Your 2014 record: 6-10. If you are the New York Giants and you didn’t win a Super Bowl, you probably went 6-10. FUN FACT: The Giants have won more than 12 gamesonce in the last 30 years. They are the most accomplished mediocre franchise in sports history.
Your coach:
“I don’t trust the lady in GPS, I don’t trust her, because they don’t send you the right way. I hit the button and I go ‘Park Ridge, New Jersey.’ And she comes back on, she’s giving me directions. So now I figure out where I am. I hit the thing and I said ‘Thank you very much, I know exactly where I am now.’ And she comes back and says, ‘You don’t have to thank me.’ I swear to God that’s what she said. And then I couldn’t get her to shut up. Every turn. ‘Take a right here.’ I know where I am. I know where I am. I’m a block away from my house and she’s telling me where to go. I said ‘I know where I’m going.’”
Your quarterback: Christ…
What’s new that sucks: Well, JPP blew his hand off. Apart from That Catch, this is arguably the most exciting thing to happen in Giants football since the last Super Bowl victory. When you’ve got Eli Manning tossing picks and Tom Coughlin doing his hands-on-hips old man pose, you need a few exploding hands and clumsy airplanes to keep the fanbase awake.
Speaking of explosions, tackle Will Beatty will miss most (if not all) of the entire season with a blown-up pec muscle, which means the Giants will protect Eli about as well as they protect their medical records.
Also, the team signed Shane Vereen away from New England. I know a little someone who’s about to get 50 incomplete fade route passes thrown his way! The most successful play in the Ben McAdoo playbook is the failed fade route.
What has always sucked: Every year we do these previews, and every year the Giants are the hardest entry because they are never, ever, ever different. They still have Eli and Coughlin. Can’t one of them just DIE? That’s what it’s gonna take for them to finally go away: some horrible bus accident that lops Eli’s head clean off, with his mouth still open, his face still looking like his mom made him try on a shirt he doesn’t like.
Given Eli’s pattern of winning a Super Bowl every four years, the Giants are actually on track to win their fifth Super Bowl this season. And even if that happens, Giants fans will still ***** because NO ONE ever thinks the Giants are the best team when they win a title. Because they are not.
Anyway, Giants fans live under the perpetual delusion that think they’re high society types, classier compared to lowbrow Jets trash, but they’re also pure filth. Giants fans think they are this…
49,152
8
Drew Magary
Filed to: WHY YOUR TEAM SUCKS 2015 7/30/15 1:07pm
Some people are fans of the New York Giants. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the New York Giants. This 2015 ******** NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.
Your team: New York Giants.
Your 2014 record: 6-10. If you are the New York Giants and you didn’t win a Super Bowl, you probably went 6-10. FUN FACT: The Giants have won more than 12 gamesonce in the last 30 years. They are the most accomplished mediocre franchise in sports history.
Your coach:
“I don’t trust the lady in GPS, I don’t trust her, because they don’t send you the right way. I hit the button and I go ‘Park Ridge, New Jersey.’ And she comes back on, she’s giving me directions. So now I figure out where I am. I hit the thing and I said ‘Thank you very much, I know exactly where I am now.’ And she comes back and says, ‘You don’t have to thank me.’ I swear to God that’s what she said. And then I couldn’t get her to shut up. Every turn. ‘Take a right here.’ I know where I am. I know where I am. I’m a block away from my house and she’s telling me where to go. I said ‘I know where I’m going.’”
Your quarterback: Christ…
What’s new that sucks: Well, JPP blew his hand off. Apart from That Catch, this is arguably the most exciting thing to happen in Giants football since the last Super Bowl victory. When you’ve got Eli Manning tossing picks and Tom Coughlin doing his hands-on-hips old man pose, you need a few exploding hands and clumsy airplanes to keep the fanbase awake.
Speaking of explosions, tackle Will Beatty will miss most (if not all) of the entire season with a blown-up pec muscle, which means the Giants will protect Eli about as well as they protect their medical records.
Also, the team signed Shane Vereen away from New England. I know a little someone who’s about to get 50 incomplete fade route passes thrown his way! The most successful play in the Ben McAdoo playbook is the failed fade route.
What has always sucked: Every year we do these previews, and every year the Giants are the hardest entry because they are never, ever, ever different. They still have Eli and Coughlin. Can’t one of them just DIE? That’s what it’s gonna take for them to finally go away: some horrible bus accident that lops Eli’s head clean off, with his mouth still open, his face still looking like his mom made him try on a shirt he doesn’t like.
Given Eli’s pattern of winning a Super Bowl every four years, the Giants are actually on track to win their fifth Super Bowl this season. And even if that happens, Giants fans will still ***** because NO ONE ever thinks the Giants are the best team when they win a title. Because they are not.
Anyway, Giants fans live under the perpetual delusion that think they’re high society types, classier compared to lowbrow Jets trash, but they’re also pure filth. Giants fans think they are this…
