Any of you go through a divorce?

[DFWJC]

Any of you other ruffians go through this? I am just in misery. After 19 years we filed in November and it's going soooooo slow. First court date is in May. We did mediation and settled 90% of things, but she wants alimony! HA! I make $.09 more an hour and pay all the insurance for kids. Sux like an electrolux. I feel like the person I married is dead and gone. I feel betrayed. Sad.

She is a professional. Fully capable of working........and it just makes me sick that someone could do this? I think she's pissed because the child support is only gonna be me paying $30/month as we agreed to split custody 50/50.

Hard to even care about football this season.....not just because Dallas sucked.....but this.....

Alimony is a dead concept to me. Sure, it might have made sense 30+ years ago when a lot of mom's stayed at home and had no skills outside of that arena. Just a complete fiasco.

Talk amongst yourselves.

Well, if you are splitting 50/50 and barely earn more than her, she is fortunate to get any child support at all...let alone alimony.
Depends on what state you're in--and it's maybe not as crazy as it once was--but guys still can really get hosed
I've seen women get hosed too if the guy lawyers up and hides stuff....but usually it's the dudes getting hammered.

Sadly, divorce brings out the worst sometimes. A lot of times it's the lawyers that drive division to pure craziness. I've seen some people that I thought so highly of go completely in satan-land during their divorce.

 

[DFWJC]

2nd marriage, and it is awesome. My first one blew chunks. She actually told me one time that it shouldn't matter how badly she treated me if I really loved her. After about 5 1/2 years, I just didn't care any more.

Got together w/ my current one in 2001, and it's awesome. We have our own money, go and do whatever we want, and are pleasant to each other the huge majority of the time. I would never cheat on her or even consider leaving her. No way.

Well, unless it's Zelda, that would be a lot tougher!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good to hear it's working 2nd time around.

I had a friend who's wife quit work and never worked again. Treated him like crap--even in front of his friends--and one day came home and in his face said she's slept with at least 30 men during their marriage but was divorcing him and taking all his stuff.
She got more than half too.

amaazing

 

[Kevinicus]

Any of you other ruffians go through this? I am just in misery. After 19 years we filed in November and it's going soooooo slow. First court date is in May. We did mediation and settled 90% of things, but she wants alimony! HA! I make $.09 more an hour and pay all the insurance for kids. Sux like an electrolux. I feel like the person I married is dead and gone. I feel betrayed. Sad.

She is a professional. Fully capable of working........and it just makes me sick that someone could do this? I think she's pissed because the child support is only gonna be me paying $30/month as we agreed to split custody 50/50.

Hard to even care about football this season.....not just because Dallas sucked.....but this.....

Alimony is a dead concept to me. Sure, it might have made sense 30+ years ago when a lot of mom's stayed at home and had no skills outside of that arena. Just a complete fiasco.

Talk amongst yourselves.

Not quite, but on the verge. I am doing everything in my power to keep it from happening. Not sure I am doing a great job. I can relate to your feelings about the person you married being gone.

 

[Runwildboys]

Not quite, but on the verge. I am doing everything in my power to keep it from happening. Not sure I am doing a great job. I can relate to your feelings about the person you married being gone.

Wish you the best of luck, brother.

 

[Vomit]

I'm divorced and eternally grateful for my freedom. I'd like to put in a good word for lawyers, though. A professional helping with the divorce and representing your best interests is worth having in your corner.

I know. Undoubtedly at some point I will be getting a lawyer, I was hopeful that all I would need one for is to do the paperwork & go forth. That probably won't happen.

In all this the amount of support I got has been unreal. First of all my in-laws (mother & father brother & sister in-laws have all been great), coworkers have been fantastic knowing I am not 100% and letting me "slide" in certain areas, my family too. My dad is going to buy a house and I will be "renting" from him til the divorce is final.

So as crappy as this has been, it sure has been an eye-opener to get this kind of backing. I just want to protect my kids as best I can and move on with my life.

 

[Vomit]

Not quite, but on the verge. I am doing everything in my power to keep it from happening. Not sure I am doing a great job. I can relate to your feelings about the person you married being gone.

I'm sorry to hear this. good luck. Do your best to keep it together.

 

[kskboys]

Not quite, but on the verge. I am doing everything in my power to keep it from happening. Not sure I am doing a great job. I can relate to your feelings about the person you married being gone.

Best of luck to you.

Although it is usually miserable during the process, often happiness won't happen until you move on. Very tough.

 

[CalPolyTechnique]

Any of you other ruffians go through this? I am just in misery. After 19 years we filed in November and it's going soooooo slow. First court date is in May. We did mediation and settled 90% of things, but she wants alimony! HA! I make $.09 more an hour and pay all the insurance for kids. Sux like an electrolux. I feel like the person I married is dead and gone. I feel betrayed. Sad.

She is a professional. Fully capable of working........and it just makes me sick that someone could do this? I think she's pissed because the child support is only gonna be me paying $30/month as we agreed to split custody 50/50.

Hard to even care about football this season.....not just because Dallas sucked.....but this.....

Alimony is a dead concept to me. Sure, it might have made sense 30+ years ago when a lot of mom's stayed at home and had no skills outside of that arena. Just a complete fiasco.

Talk amongst yourselves.

That’s tough man.

I feel for you.

Did you see the divorce coming years ago or did it just kinda crop us out of the blue?

 

[Vomit]

That’s tough man.

I feel for you.

Did you see the divorce coming years ago or did it just kinda crop us out of the blue?

It's been oncoming. Slow breakdown. But her alcohol use is ruining her decision maker. And we all (family) seen this, but we can't help her. I want out because her bottom will be jail, hospital or morgue.

And not that I am perfect. i'm a boozer too. But it doesn't "F" up (for the most part) my decision making process.

 

[Chrispierce]

It's been oncoming. Slow breakdown. But her alcohol use is ruining her decision maker. And we all (family) seen this, but we can't help her. I want out because her bottom will be jail, hospital or morgue.

And not that I am perfect. i'm a boozer too. But it doesn't "F" up (for the most part) my decision making process.

Ohhh drinking. Yeah,that’s a different animal. Now I see why you’re like “I just want her out!” I don’t like women drunks either. It’s not fun babysitting.

 

[Montanalo]

Having been through a divorce after a long-term marriage, I can offer a few things:

First, you're going to be on an emotional roller coaster. Find someone, ideally a dispassionate third party that you can confide in. If you are fortunate enough to work for a company that has an employee assistance program, take advantage of it.

Second, it is ok to be angry. In fact, it is normal to be upset and angry. Just don't let it consume ypu.

Third, hire a good lawyer. Yes, I know there is hope or desire that divorce can be resolved amicably. That is the exception, not the rule. The lawyer, at the very least, will protect your rights.

Fourth, protect your assets. Change your login IDs and passwords for anything financial. From personal experience, my ex tried to liquidate my retirement savings but couldn't figure out the password and eventually locked out the account.

Fifth, resist the urge to be "the good guy" and give in to every demand just to end it.

Yes, I am a bit jaundiced, however, there is light at the end of the tunnel. And, for what it is worth, most folks will tell you after they are divorced that they wish they had done something sooner.

Good luck

 

[Vomit]

Having been through a divorce after a long-term marriage, I can offer a few things:

First, you're going to be on an emotional roller coaster. Find someone, ideally a dispassionate third party that you can confide in. If you are fortunate enough to work for a company that has an employee assistance program, take advantage of it.

Second, it is ok to be angry. In fact, it is normal to be upset and angry. Just don't let it consume ypu.

Third, hire a good lawyer. Yes, I know there is hope or desire that divorce can be resolved amicably. That is the exception, not the rule. The lawyer, at the very least, will protect your rights.

Fourth, protect your assets. Change your login IDs and passwords for anything financial. From personal experience, my ex tried to liquidate my retirement savings but couldn't figure out the password and eventually locked out the account.

Fifth, resist the urge to be "the good guy" and give in to every demand just to end it.

Yes, I am a bit jaundiced, however, there is light at the end of the tunnel. And, for what it is worth, most folks will tell you after they are divorced that they wish they had done something sooner.

Good luck

Great advice. I have been seeing a couselor through EAP. He has been really good. And really its not about the "emotions", it is exactly as you said: neutral, sound advice. Financial, legal, all that stuff. Has really helped.

That and going to the cottage with dog last night made for a nice quiet weekend. Best to you all. Will keep you posted as the roller coaster ride goes on.

 

[CouchCoach]

I was lucky to find one that would put up with me and was married for 42 years. However, I went through divorces with really close friends and family and saw the emotional weight of that. Even when they both agreed and wanted it to be amicable, that was a tall order because of the emotions.

One thing that the ones that were anything but amicable had in common, they waited too long. And I hear that every time because turning a marriage back north takes a commitment, compromise and concerted effort for both people and seldom do both see the reward worth the effort. The marriage see saw is seldom perfectly level. Easier to start over with someone else.

Vomit, we went through this with another poster in the this forum just last year and the one thing that seems to be the greatest struggle is seeing yourself through this. You can't see yourself on the other side of this yet. It is so hard to picture the future when the present is in turmoil that considering you might actually be happier is a struggle. Do the little things that take your mind of it, like taking your dog to the cottage.

And one little question you might want to ask yourself because I have found this to be the single most difficult part of being single again for many people. Am I someone that cannot be alone? Do I need to have someone around me? I have found that not only was that the case for some really close friends but the reason they got married and rebounded too quickly when that one went south.

And let me commend you, as I did the other poster and others that share here. Yes, we're anonymous here but we are known. Our words reveal parts about us, parts that we want the others to know. Take it from one that did not use this group of friends to shore me up when I needed it most. I thought 'why bother them with this, this is not what it's about and my job is to be loose and off center'. I was very wrong, I could have used the kind words and support of some very fine people here and I do hope you keep us apprised of that roller coaster ride you are on.

 

[Vomit]

I was lucky to find one that would put up with me and was married for 42 years. However, I went through divorces with really close friends and family and saw the emotional weight of that. Even when they both agreed and wanted it to be amicable, that was a tall order because of the emotions.

One thing that the ones that were anything but amicable had in common, they waited too long. And I hear that every time because turning a marriage back north takes a commitment, compromise and concerted effort for both people and seldom do both see the reward worth the effort. The marriage see saw is seldom perfectly level. Easier to start over with someone else.

Vomit, we went through this with another poster in the this forum just last year and the one thing that seems to be the greatest struggle is seeing yourself through this. You can't see yourself on the other side of this yet. It is so hard to picture the future when the present is in turmoil that considering you might actually be happier is a struggle. Do the little things that take your mind of it, like taking your dog to the cottage.

And one little question you might want to ask yourself because I have found this to be the single most difficult part of being single again for many people. Am I someone that cannot be alone? Do I need to have someone around me? I have found that not only was that the case for some really close friends but the reason they got married and rebounded too quickly when that one went south.

And let me commend you, as I did the other poster and others that share here. Yes, we're anonymous here but we are known. Our words reveal parts about us, parts that we want the others to know. Take it from one that did not use this group of friends to shore me up when I needed it most. I thought 'why bother them with this, this is not what it's about and my job is to be loose and off center'. I was very wrong, I could have used the kind words and support of some very fine people here and I do hope you keep us apprised of that roller coaster ride you are on.

Thanks coach. I have reached out to as many people as I can. Been very happy with the support. It helps to write some of this down, for whatever reason. I wish I could "fix" my marriage but I know it is a lost cause.

It really is like a death. But not clean. It just goes on & on & on. I really hope when this is done I do not hate my ex. The stuff she has done to me & some of her current actions have me pointed in that direction. I hope she gets the help she needs, and stays the great mom that she has been to the kids. And in time, I suppose, I will look back and not have this amount of negativity towards her..........I hope.

Thanks guys, your words really mean a lot. Some days, I just need to hear some encouragement. I did feel good the Pats lost last night. If Seattle wins today that will be a bonus.

 

[Montanalo]

I was lucky to find one that would put up with me and was married for 42 years. However, I went through divorces with really close friends and family and saw the emotional weight of that. Even when they both agreed and wanted it to be amicable, that was a tall order because of the emotions.

One thing that the ones that were anything but amicable had in common, they waited too long. And I hear that every time because turning a marriage back north takes a commitment, compromise and concerted effort for both people and seldom do both see the reward worth the effort. The marriage see saw is seldom perfectly level. Easier to start over with someone else.

Vomit, we went through this with another poster in the this forum just last year and the one thing that seems to be the greatest struggle is seeing yourself through this. You can't see yourself on the other side of this yet. It is so hard to picture the future when the present is in turmoil that considering you might actually be happier is a struggle. Do the little things that take your mind of it, like taking your dog to the cottage.

And one little question you might want to ask yourself because I have found this to be the single most difficult part of being single again for many people. Am I someone that cannot be alone? Do I need to have someone around me? I have found that not only was that the case for some really close friends but the reason they got married and rebounded too quickly when that one went south.

And let me commend you, as I did the other poster and others that share here. Yes, we're anonymous here but we are known. Our words reveal parts about us, parts that we want the others to know. Take it from one that did not use this group of friends to shore me up when I needed it most. I thought 'why bother them with this, this is not what it's about and my job is to be loose and off center'. I was very wrong, I could have used the kind words and support of some very fine people here and I do hope you keep us apprised of that roller coaster ride you are on.

Classy response, Coach.

 

[Crazed Liotta Eyes]

Any of you other ruffians go through this? I am just in misery. After 19 years we filed in November and it's going soooooo slow. First court date is in May. We did mediation and settled 90% of things, but she wants alimony! HA! I make $.09 more an hour and pay all the insurance for kids. Sux like an electrolux. I feel like the person I married is dead and gone. I feel betrayed. Sad.

She is a professional. Fully capable of working........and it just makes me sick that someone could do this? I think she's pissed because the child support is only gonna be me paying $30/month as we agreed to split custody 50/50.

Hard to even care about football this season.....not just because Dallas sucked.....but this.....

Alimony is a dead concept to me. Sure, it might have made sense 30+ years ago when a lot of mom's stayed at home and had no skills outside of that arena. Just a complete fiasco.

Talk amongst yourselves.

Sorry to hear this man. I haven't been through it but I know many who have. My wife is a rare one. When she and her ex divorced, she took no alimony, even though we are in California and didn't even ask for half the proceeds from the sale of their house. They used LegalZoom to file the paperwork and did not pay for lawyers. Her ex is remarried now too and we all get along really well, much to the kid's benefit. Keep your chin up, I hope things get better for you.

 

[Crazed Liotta Eyes]

Good to hear it's working 2nd time around.

I had a friend who's wife quit work and never worked again. Treated him like crap--even in front of his friends--and one day came home and in his face said she's slept with at least 30 men during their marriage but was divorcing him and taking all his stuff.
She got more than half too.

amaazing

Ugh, that is terrible. I hope your friend recovered. Not sure I would.

 

[CanadianCowboysFan]

Any of you other ruffians go through this? I am just in misery. After 19 years we filed in November and it's going soooooo slow. First court date is in May. We did mediation and settled 90% of things, but she wants alimony! HA! I make $.09 more an hour and pay all the insurance for kids. Sux like an electrolux. I feel like the person I married is dead and gone. I feel betrayed. Sad.

She is a professional. Fully capable of working........and it just makes me sick that someone could do this? I think she's pissed because the child support is only gonna be me paying $30/month as we agreed to split custody 50/50.

Hard to even care about football this season.....not just because Dallas sucked.....but this.....

Alimony is a dead concept to me. Sure, it might have made sense 30+ years ago when a lot of mom's stayed at home and had no skills outside of that arena. Just a complete fiasco.

Talk amongst yourselves.

Divorce lawyer here. If she stayed home to care for the children, she might be entitles to compensatory maintenance for the loss she suffered.

 

[FloridaRob]

i was married to my 1st wife for 12 years before we divorced. We had two young kids. It was like a grenade went off and I was slowly picking up the pieces and putting them back together. I trusted her to do the right thing in regard to kids, money, splitting things we accumulated but I was wrong. I was in the church at the time and she pretty much surrounded herself with other divorced people from church and I was pretty much ostracized. I realized from that ordeal that Church People are the only people I know that bury their wounded. I have rarely been back since. Not only did I lose my wife, I lost friends and even my oldest brother because his wife and my ex were besties. She got a baracuda for a lawyer and I got My cousin vinny. My attorney talked a good game but when he got with her attorney he always acquiesced to whatever her attorney wanted. I told her attorney at the end that I paid him a lot of money ( i had to pay her attorney) to treat me the way he did.

My advice is to get a "GOOD" lawyer. Ask around, read their online reviews. There are good ones that will look at for YOUR interest. You are basing everything on emotion. A good attorney will take the emotion out of it. Follow your head, not your heart. Your heart will lie to you. Love and Hate is all part of the same coin. When you get to indifference you will be where you need to be.

Every day gets better. Sometimes you take a couple of steps back but keep moving forward. Time is a great healer. My ex used to say it was her way or the highway. Being married makes the highway look foggy and unknown. Once you are forced to get on that highway, it is not as bad as you thought. It leads to new opportunities, new friends and maybe someone special.

This happened to me back in 1989. Since then I remarried and have been married to the same for 28 years. My kids are grown with one working for me. I speak with both of them every day. I see the ex at grand kids ball games and events but rarely speak to her. I look at her now and think nothing of her.

Take your time and dont try to get to the end in one day. Time is your friend. Good Luck

 

[DFWJC]

Ugh, that is terrible. I hope your friend recovered. Not sure I would.

More of a work friend. Not trying to be a downer here, but the guy got cancer within a year. Who knows if massive stress kicked it all in.
He has since recovered and seems to be rallying overall.