Any of you go through a divorce?

[Runwildboys]

Great advice. I have been seeing a couselor through EAP. He has been really good. And really its not about the "emotions", it is exactly as you said: neutral, sound advice. Financial, legal, all that stuff. Has really helped.

That and going to the cottage with dog last night made for a nice quiet weekend. Best to you all. Will keep you posted as the roller coaster ride goes on.

Remember to keep your head and hands inside at all times!.........Oh wait, that's a metaphorical roller coaster.

 

[Crazed Liotta Eyes]

More of a work friend. Not trying to be a downer here, but the guy got cancer within a year. Who knows if massive stress kicked it all in.
He has since recovered and seems to be rallying overall.

Well, double "ugh" then. I'm glad to hear he is rallying at least. Life can be a real ***-kicker sometimes.

 

[kskboys]

i was married to my 1st wife for 12 years before we divorced. We had two young kids. It was like a grenade went off and I was slowly picking up the pieces and putting them back together. I trusted her to do the right thing in regard to kids, money, splitting things we accumulated but I was wrong. I was in the church at the time and she pretty much surrounded herself with other divorced people from church and I was pretty much ostracized. I realized from that ordeal that Church People are the only people I know that bury their wounded. I have rarely been back since. Not only did I lose my wife, I lost friends and even my oldest brother because his wife and my ex were besties. She got a baracuda for a lawyer and I got My cousin vinny. My attorney talked a good game but when he got with her attorney he always acquiesced to whatever her attorney wanted. I told her attorney at the end that I paid him a lot of money ( i had to pay her attorney) to treat me the way he did.

My advice is to get a "GOOD" lawyer. Ask around, read their online reviews. There are good ones that will look at for YOUR interest. You are basing everything on emotion. A good attorney will take the emotion out of it. Follow your head, not your heart. Your heart will lie to you. Love and Hate is all part of the same coin. When you get to indifference you will be where you need to be.

Every day gets better. Sometimes you take a couple of steps back but keep moving forward. Time is a great healer. My ex used to say it was her way or the highway. Being married makes the highway look foggy and unknown. Once you are forced to get on that highway, it is not as bad as you thought. It leads to new opportunities, new friends and maybe someone special.

This happened to me back in 1989. Since then I remarried and have been married to the same for 28 years. My kids are grown with one working for me. I speak with both of them every day. I see the ex at grand kids ball games and events but rarely speak to her. I look at her now and think nothing of her.

Take your time and dont try to get to the end in one day. Time is your friend. Good Luck

Very nice to hear that you moved on and did well. Funny thing is, a few years later, most feel almost nothing for the ex. I don't see mine, but if I did it would be completely irrelevant.

I've heard a lot say that in the end, they were much better off. Keep that in mind.

 

[rynochop]

It's really not, from a financial standpoint, to get married these days for the average Joe. They are going to get all your stuff unless she's an abusive drug abuser or child abuser. I know some divorce amicably and get along after but that's very rare, especially when either party starts seeing someone else

 

[kskboys]

It's really not, from a financial standpoint, to get married these days for the average Joe. They are going to get all your stuff unless she's an abusive drug abuser or child abuser. I know some divorce amicably and get along after but that's very rare, especially when either party starts seeing someone else

In the end, maybe not, but two paychecks makes it much easier to pay bills.

 

[rynochop]

In the end, maybe not, but two paychecks makes it much easier to pay bills.

True, but if you get a scorned woman like me years ago you end up with your car, a painting and a Seinfeld dvd collection

 

[Chrispierce]

I still say hooking up with Floozy Susie for a little fun at the Jukebox Express,feels far better than sitting at home going through any type breakup.

 

[kskboys]

True, but if you get a scorned woman like me years ago you end up with your car, a painting and a Seinfeld dvd collection

Of course. Marrying the right woman is absolutely essential to the 2 paychecks working out.

 

[Kevinicus]

My situation has turned for the worse as my wife informed me earlier this week that she talked to an attorney and will likely file. She says she wants to do mediation and avoid fighting through lawyers. I'm in a position where she makes more than I do, so I could get something from her if I wanted. I am still trying to avoid it as I generally don't believe in divorce (though my first marriage ended that way, initiated by me, but from very unique circumstances). There really is no logical reason for us to get a divorce, either. The thought processes she has been using are definitely less than sound, but they are a pattern, as the same thing occurred in her first marriage. Definitely some emotional issues she has, but she doesn't want to do anything about it, and doesn't really care who it impacts. I'm not really all that concerned about myself emotionally. I worry about the kids (our 2 year old, and her 15 year old), and for her. She needs some help, and if she doesn't get it, the kids will suffer (already have really). She has the confused idea that once we're no longer together she won't have these issues anymore, even though they are clearly a deep seeded part of who she is, likely stemming from her childhood, and have clearly had an impact on her older daughter.

The financials would also be a mess, as splitting up income just makes things harder for everyone. I'd have to find a new place to stay, and one close to where we are now, which is not exactly a cheap area. All our savings, things for our kids' future, is likely to be wiped out pretty quick, simply from having multiple sets of expenses. And saving more will be all the more difficult.

So, I really don't see a benefit for anyone.

I have been making every effort I can to do my part in recognizing where I have gone wrong and can do better and amending that (though, most of her complaints were things I was doing, or not doing, because that's what I thought she wanted me to do), and working towards making our marriage strong again, but thus far, it's been a completely one sided effort. As someone of faith, I have been praying, and still believing that things will get better, however, we're definitely dangling by a string right now.

 

[YosemiteSam]

There really is no logical reason for us to get a divorce, either.

I disagree. If someone in a relationship has decided they want a divorce. That is more than enough reason to do so. (otherwise, the reasoning for considering it could spiral into a bitter poisonous relationship) My first marriage ended in divorce. Our relationship wasn't bad, but we grew to more friends (with benefits lol) / roommates and did not date because we were married. (doing that would have never worked)

I (we) were pretty much content with that for a while. I'm an introvert who spends most of my free time (not that I have much) working on hobbies. So it didn't bother me so much. She mostly watched TV or shopped. When she turned 50. (she was nine years older than I) She started to think about her future and decided she wanted another shot at romance before she grew old. She decided to file for divorce and I'm glad she did. While it wasn't necessary since as a basic non-romantic level we were happy, it was important for our relationship to remain on good terms and for the kids to not be involved in something like that.

We also mediated. I pretty much gave her more than I had too per month and all the proceeds of the house sell. I did so for a shorter term and her inability to change those terms to longer or higher amount. (they could be changed to shorter or lesser amount in the agreement)

The downside for her is, I'm now happily remarried and she still doesn't have a stable long term relationship. Though I do wish her the best as she isn't an awful person. Though she can get extremely moody 12 times a year! Though, those were short lived and outside of that. We had a happy life.

It was far less stressful on the kids this way too. (the kids are not biologically mine)

 

[EST_1986]

I divorced July 18, 2017. Would have been married 32 years Sept 15, 2017. For some ungodly reason I was ordered to pay my ex-wife alimony for the rest of my life (or hers), even though she is fully capable of working (she didn't "feel" like it for the last 8 years). She also gets 49% of my military retirement, and I also had to pay most of the credit card debt. The credit card debt she accumulated was the downfall of our marriage. I also had to pay a portion of her attorney fees. I could go on and on, but you get the point. Luckily my daughter is an adult so child support was not an issue. BTW, my daughter is on my side on about 90% of the issues.

There was no infidelity, no abuse, I was a good provider, a fantastic dad, and by all measures I would be considered a great husband. I just got cold towards her the last few years because I couldn't forgive the massive debt she put on us.

Fast forward 2+ years and I've remarried to the most amazing woman ever. She is everything my ex-wife isn't. We got married earlier this year in Hawaii on July 18, exactly 2 years after my divorce. The date was a coincidence. It just worked out that way. My daughter adores my new wife. They can get on the phone and it's nothing for them to talk for over an hour.

I'm almost debt free, and I keep a tight gripe on my finances. My wife's money is hers, and mine is mine. We share in the expenses 50/50. I'm frugal and so is my wife. We live a simple life.

Believe it or not, my ex-wife still stay on friendly terms. I sent her a Christmas gift and she sent me one as well. I figure it's not worth being bitter over. I had 25 years of a good marriage and she is my daughter's mother. I don't want to go through life hating someone as I've seen other divorced people do.

I get paying for your sanity but thats some cruel and unusual punishment there. Feel for you man.

 

[Kevinicus]

I disagree. If someone in a relationship has decided they want a divorce. That is more than enough reason to do so. (otherwise, the reasoning for considering it could spiral into a bitter poisonous relationship) My first marriage ended in divorce. Our relationship wasn't bad, but we grew to more friends (with benefits lol) / roommates and did not date because we were married. (doing that would have never worked)

I (we) were pretty much content with that for a while. I'm an introvert who spends most of my free time (not that I have much) working on hobbies. So it didn't bother me so much. She mostly watched TV or shopped. When she turned 50. (she was nine years older than I) She started to think about her future and decided she wanted another shot at romance before she grew old. She decided to file for divorce and I'm glad she did. While it wasn't necessary since as a basic non-romantic level we were happy, it was important for our relationship to remain on good terms and for the kids to not be involved in something like that.

We also mediated. I pretty much gave her more than I had too per month and all the proceeds of the house sell. I did so for a shorter term and her inability to change those terms to longer or higher amount. (they could be changed to shorter or lesser amount in the agreement)

The downside for her is, I'm now happily remarried and she still doesn't have a stable long term relationship. Though I do wish her the best as she isn't an awful person. Though she can get extremely moody 12 times a year! Though, those were short lived and outside of that. We had a happy life.

It was far less stressful on the kids this way too. (the kids are not biologically mine)

I think this kind of destroys the point of marriage in the first place. Too many people just want to give up when things aren't all hunky dory. Marriage should force you to actually work on your problems, because the alternative is living in a crap relationship. Exit should not be the go to.

It's a "commitment" without the actual commitment part.

 

[YosemiteSam]

I think this kind of destroys the point of marriage in the first place. Too many people just want to give up when things aren't all hunky dory. Marriage should force you to actually work on your problems, because the alternative is living in a crap relationship. Exit should not be the go to.

Things are not always hunky dory. That is no reason for a divorce. When someone has made the resolute decision that they *want* a divorce. Then, it's time to do it. Not doing it will just lead to more trouble, animosity, hatred, ill will and in some cases. People really get hurt. Especially children.

One thing I believe very deeply in. If you decide you are interested in someone else outside of your marriage to the point that you are willing to commit adultery. You should just end your marriage because you clearly do not love that person as much or more than yourself.

Adultery is selfishness. Your partner doesn't deserve that. If you intentionally hurt them so you find some short lived enjoyment. You should not be married to that person. You should immediately file for divorce.

 

[Kevinicus]

Things are not always hunky dory. That is no reason for a divorce. When someone has made the resolute decision that they *want* a divorce. Then, it's time to do it. Not doing it will just lead to more trouble, animosity, hatred, ill will and in some cases. People really get hurt. Especially children.

One thing I believe very deeply in. If you decide you are interested in someone else outside of your marriage to the point that you are willing to commit adultery. You should just end your marriage because you clearly do not love that person as much or more than yourself.

Adultery is selfishness. Your partner doesn't deserve that. If you intentionally hurt them so you find some short lived enjoyment. You should not be married to that person. You should immediately file for divorce.

Wow, you really do feel that people can't change, or come back from mistakes it looks like. Or that people can't (or shouldn't?) forgive. I'm sorry.

People decide all the time that they "want" things that are bad for them. That doesn't mean it's something they should do. "Want" is a terrible reason to opt out of a commitment (or as you describe it, a non-commitment).

 

[Runwildboys]

I still say hooking up with Floozy Susie for a little fun at the Jukebox Express,feels far better than sitting at home going through any type breakup.

Not if it makes you itch.

 

[kskboys]

My situation has turned for the worse as my wife informed me earlier this week that she talked to an attorney and will likely file. She says she wants to do mediation and avoid fighting through lawyers. I'm in a position where she makes more than I do, so I could get something from her if I wanted. I am still trying to avoid it as I generally don't believe in divorce (though my first marriage ended that way, initiated by me, but from very unique circumstances). There really is no logical reason for us to get a divorce, either. The thought processes she has been using are definitely less than sound, but they are a pattern, as the same thing occurred in her first marriage. Definitely some emotional issues she has, but she doesn't want to do anything about it, and doesn't really care who it impacts. I'm not really all that concerned about myself emotionally. I worry about the kids (our 2 year old, and her 15 year old), and for her. She needs some help, and if she doesn't get it, the kids will suffer (already have really). She has the confused idea that once we're no longer together she won't have these issues anymore, even though they are clearly a deep seeded part of who she is, likely stemming from her childhood, and have clearly had an impact on her older daughter.

The financials would also be a mess, as splitting up income just makes things harder for everyone. I'd have to find a new place to stay, and one close to where we are now, which is not exactly a cheap area. All our savings, things for our kids' future, is likely to be wiped out pretty quick, simply from having multiple sets of expenses. And saving more will be all the more difficult.

So, I really don't see a benefit for anyone.

I have been making every effort I can to do my part in recognizing where I have gone wrong and can do better and amending that (though, most of her complaints were things I was doing, or not doing, because that's what I thought she wanted me to do), and working towards making our marriage strong again, but thus far, it's been a completely one sided effort. As someone of faith, I have been praying, and still believing that things will get better, however, we're definitely dangling by a string right now.

I feel for you.

There are people who simply cannot be happy, and you may have found one.

 

[kskboys]

Things are not always hunky dory. That is no reason for a divorce. When someone has made the resolute decision that they *want* a divorce. Then, it's time to do it. Not doing it will just lead to more trouble, animosity, hatred, ill will and in some cases. People really get hurt. Especially children.

One thing I believe very deeply in. If you decide you are interested in someone else outside of your marriage to the point that you are willing to commit adultery. You should just end your marriage because you clearly do not love that person as much or more than yourself.

Adultery is selfishness. Your partner doesn't deserve that. If you intentionally hurt them so you find some short lived enjoyment. You should not be married to that person. You should immediately file for divorce.

Wow, you really do feel that people can't change, or come back from mistakes it looks like. Or that people can't (or shouldn't?) forgive. I'm sorry.

People decide all the time that they "want" things that are bad for them. That doesn't mean it's something they should do. "Want" is a terrible reason to opt out of a commitment (or as you describe it, a non-commitment).

You are both right.

The truth is, everyone is different, so that means every marriage is different. Happiness comes in many many different shapes and sizes. I personally know some swingers/swappers who are very happy. I would not be happy in this sort of relationship, but some are.

I also know some couples who fight all the time, some who don't talk to each other, some who rarely see each other. What makes people happy can be just so different.

 

[Runwildboys]

Wow, you really do feel that people can't change, or come back from mistakes it looks like. Or that people can't (or shouldn't?) forgive. I'm sorry.

People decide all the time that they "want" things that are bad for them. That doesn't mean it's something they should do. "Want" is a terrible reason to opt out of a commitment (or as you describe it, a non-commitment).

Typically, when someone wants a divorce, it means they no longer love the other person. If that's the case, staying together is senseless for both parties.

If she still loves you, then the two of you need to seek counseling...from someone with a degree, who studied psychology.

 

[Runwildboys]

I feel for you.

There are people who simply cannot be happy, and you may have found one.

My ex was one. She was always looking for a reason to worry or something to be mad about.
She often said she wanted to receive flowers for "no reason". One day I bought her flowers, and she asked what they were for. I said, "Just because I love you." She got mad and said, "I was hoping you got them for no reason!"

Friggin' lunatic.

 

[kskboys]

My ex was one. She was always looking for a reason to worry or something to be mad about.
She often said she wanted to receive flowers for "no reason". One day I bought her flowers, and she asked what they were for. I said, "Just because I love you." She got mad and said, "I was hoping you got them for no reason!"

Friggin' lunatic.

My ex once accused me of telling her to F off, right in the middle of a party. I quite simply don't speak to people that way. When I told her I didn't, she went around asking everyone at the party if they heard it. No one, of course, did, because I didn't. Just not something I would do. As you said, Friggin' lunatic.