Jack Bauer Ate A Man: 24 Things You Need To Know About The New Season of 24
1. I’m going to begin this post with the words “Spoiler Alert.” Even though the 2 episodes I’m basing everything on aired last night and I’m only technically “spoiling” it for the people too “busy” to watch it with the rest of the world. This will be your only warning.
2. Jack Bauer eats people now. More on that in just a bit.
3. After being tortured by the Chinese for two years and not speaking a single word, the first thing that Jack uttered to Bill Buchanan was the name of his ex-girlfriend, Audrey. Buchanan didn’t have the heart to inform Jack that Audrey left to go do The Nine, which was cancelled almost immediately.
4. Jack’s Unabomber beard sadly only lasted 3 minutes in the U.S. Authorities made him shave it and put on a nice button up shirt before he was sacrificed to the terrorists, presumably because they didn’t want to murder anybody who was so homeless-y looking.
5. After running on the “You guys liked my dead brother, vote for me!” card, Wayne Palmer was elected President. Obtaining this power has affected his ability to speak any louder than a whisper.
6. 24 has remained the ultimate “Hey! It’s that guy!” show. Thanks to:
7. Peter MacNicol. He’s gone from taking orders from Vigo in Ghostbusters II to taking on the role of “swarmy, suspicious Presidential aide #1.”
8. Eddie from The O.C. making a glorious return to CTU. Good to know that despite the world changing around him, he still hasn’t shaved his stupid little mustache.
9. Rube from Major League II. The man can’t throw the ball back to the pitcher, but he has no problem kicking Kal Penn directly into a perfectly sized glass coffee table.
10. Speaking of Kal Penn, here’s something you’re going to have to remember: If Kumar doesn’t get his White Castle burgers, Kumar gets angry. Very, very angry
11. Oh, and FYI: his name is pronounced AhMET. Not AHmet. Apparently this is a sensitive subject.
12. This year on 24, playing the role of the Regina King character… it’s Regina King!
13. You know it’s bad when you’re watching the President and the rest of his White House staff getting their news from FOXNews and you think, “This is the most realistic thing I’ve ever seen on this show.” And then you start crying.
14. Looking at Jack’s back, it’s evident that getting tortured by the Chinese is incredibly similar to having wild sex with a chick with long fingernails. Let’s leave it at that.
15. Is it just me, or does the lead bad-guy terrorist (as opposed to the lead good-guy terrorist) look like former New York Giants running back Tiki Barber? I knew he wanted to get into show business, but that was quick.
16. In two episodes, Jack has already undergone more wardrobe changes than Sarah Jessica Parker did when she hosted the MTV Movie Awards. How’s that for an obscure reference?
17. The leading premise this season is that extremists have been targeting American cities with suicide bombers and random acts of terrorism. We don’t want to think about it, but we all know that something like this happening is not out of the realm of possibility. It’s scary, yes… but at the same time, isn’t it kind of cool when you hear somebody at CTU saying that YOUR city was targeted? It is, right?
18. After watching all 4 playoff football games this weekend and seeing that John Mellancamp “this is ourrrrr country” Chevy ad approximately 6,531 times, I have to admit that it doesn’t feel right watching Jack Bauer ride around in anything other than a Chevy truck. This has to be fixed immediately.
19. Least Surprising Stat Of The Night: CTU is 0-1 with setting up a perimeter so far this season. This brings their lifetime mark to 0-219.
20. Why couldn’t this show be named 18? Coming up with 24 observations is a pain in the ***.
21. Jack has lost his taste for torture. This is sad. It’d be nice if they solved this pesky terrorism thing right away, then spent the next 16 weeks following Jack through Un-Sensitivity Training.
22. Here’s something to think about this season. At this point in time, Jack Bauer has saved the world 5 times. 5 times. At least twice, in a very public matter. So wouldn’t you think he’d be at least minorly recognizable by now? Like, “Hey, it’s that guy who was initially blamed for the assassination of David Palmer but later that day arrested the President.” You’re telling me this wouldn’t have made him famous? Please. “Jack” by Oliver Stone would’ve been a $100 million grossing movie by the time Day 6 rolled around.
23. I’m never paying for another train ticket ever again. “My name is Jack Bauer, I’m a federal agent, that man over there has explosives strapped to his chest, if he suspects that anything unusual is going on he’ll set them off, keep walking” is my new line. And if any of you steal it, I’ll kick you out of a moving train.
24. And finally, before we move on and begin to mentally prepare ourselves for tonight’s 2-hour extravanza, remember: Jack Bauer ate a man last night. He was strapped to a chair, he had no weapons to his disposal, he was about to get his finger cut off… so he ate a man.
Now if THAT doesn’t get you all excited for a new season, I don’t know what will. Bring it on.
