Chuck Norris.

Discussion in 'Off-topic Zone' started by Wolverine, Jan 14, 2006.

  1. Wolverine

    Wolverine Zimmer Hater

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    If Chuck Norris played RB in the NFL he would break Shawn Alexanders single season TD record in the 1st quarter of the 1st game he played.


    If Chuck Norris played in the NFL he would be the only player to throw a 100 yard TD pass to himself.
     
  2. Qwickdraw

    Qwickdraw Benched

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    Chuck Norris could make a 75 yard Field goal just by pointing at the ball and saying, "Get the f$@# through the uprights. Now."
     
  3. Wolverine

    Wolverine Zimmer Hater

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    :lmao: :lmao:




    Chuck Norris is the only one who could punt a football and it would never come back down.
     
  4. Zman5

    Zman5 Well-Known Member

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    But Bruce Lee kicked Chuck Norris' azz in "The Way of the Dragon".
     
  5. kingwhicker

    kingwhicker BCRSA

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    I thought only Joseph Jackson Gibbs could do such things.
     
  6. BigDFan5

    BigDFan5 Cowboys Make me Drink

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    Chuck Norris can run the 40 yard dash in 2.4 seconds. Because when Chuck Norris Runs time slows down to watch
     
  7. Wolverine

    Wolverine Zimmer Hater

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    Nobody can kick Chucks butt. Only Chuck Norris could beat Chuck Norris.



    http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com
     
  8. Qwickdraw

    Qwickdraw Benched

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    Chuck Norris was the first player to catch a TD and turn it into an Alley Oop by doing a 360 in the air and "dunking it" over the goal post before hitting the ground. He then returned to the sidelines and ate a human thighbone because he was hungry.
     
  9. Bob Sacamano

    Bob Sacamano Benched

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    my gaydar is buzzing like a motherf....
     
  10. Jimz31

    Jimz31 The Sarcastic One

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    Woah! Put the bottles down.
     
  11. BigDFan5

    BigDFan5 Cowboys Make me Drink

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    Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ****ing Indian


    Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies
    the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.


    If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.


    Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down.


    Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.


    There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.



    Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
     
  12. Qwickdraw

    Qwickdraw Benched

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    :laugh2: :laugh1: :laugh2: :laugh1: :laugh2:
     
  13. Wolverine

    Wolverine Zimmer Hater

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    Chuck Norris is so fast he went around the world in 80 seconds. Not 80 days.
     
  14. cowboyeric8

    cowboyeric8 Chicks dig crutches

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    :laugh2:

    Whats with all the Chuck Norris stuff.


    That website is too funny
     
  15. Jimz31

    Jimz31 The Sarcastic One

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    I must say that is some funny stuff! :laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
     
  16. superpunk

    superpunk Benched

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    1. Chuck Norris is like a tsunami; if you see him coming, it’s already too late.

    2. There’s no such thing as evolution; there is merely a list of animals that Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

    3. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

    4. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

    5. Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon.

    6. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

    7. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

    8. Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

    9. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

    10. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could transform into a pick-up truck. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided into two.
     
  17. Bob Sacamano

    Bob Sacamano Benched

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    :lmao: I'm dying here

    oh my sides :lmao:
     
  18. Silverstar

    Silverstar Well-Known Member

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    Actually, it was called "Return of the Dragon" and Bruce Lee killed Chuck Norris by breaking his arm, leg and finally his neck.


    :chopchop:


    Then he came back from the dead and the rest is history.

    :laugh2:
     
  19. Wolverine

    Wolverine Zimmer Hater

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    Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
     
  20. superpunk

    superpunk Benched

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    Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits

    Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried

    Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

    The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

    Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

    The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain

    Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

    Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress

    Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths

    To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong

    Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard

    Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

    Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

    Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

    Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

    When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris

    Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

    Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day

    The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist

    Chuck Norris once decided to make a vibrator that would simulate the size and power of his actual *****. The result was a baseball bat tied to a jackhammer.

    After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

    When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

    Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO

    When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
     

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