Chuck Norris.

[Qwickdraw]

When Chuck Norris goes jogging, the Earth spins faster.

 

[Future]

When he was a teen, Chuck Norris impregnated an entire convent of nuns. 9 months later, they gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in NFL history.

He then ate the Dolphins to bulk up a little bit for a role in the hit TV show Walker, Texas Ranger.

He now craps the Buffalo Bills.


-me and a friend of mine who likes the dolphins made that up...i htink its beautiful

 

[Bob Sacamano]

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist

Chuck Norris once decided to make a vibrator that would simulate the size and power of his actual *****. The result was a baseball bat tied to a jackhammer.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

stop
oh, oh, my sides

 

[Qwickdraw]

Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick; the real reason dinosaurs are extinct.

 

[Wolverine]

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.


Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.



Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.


Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.





Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.

 

[Qwickdraw]

The Black Plague wasn't a virus at all. It was Chuck Norris running around in dark clothing.

 

[superpunk]

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris

 

[Wolverine]

There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.



In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.


There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.


When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.


Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.


A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

 

[superpunk]

Before Mr.T was born there were only 25 letters in the alphabet.

Mr. T destroyed the periodic table, saying Mr. T. only recognizes the element of surprise.

Mr. T can walk on water. He can also walk on fire. His preference however, is to walk on fools.

There is no such thing as gravity. Either Mr. T wants you up in the air or your *** is headed for the ground.

Mr. T was almost involved in a second car crash. To avoid the crash, he folded his arms and slowly shook his head. The car decided it was safer to avoid Mr. T.

Mr. T scared the black out of Michael Jackson.


The last man who made eye contact with Mr. T was Ray Charles.


Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.

Google won't search for Mr. T because it knows you don't find Mr. T, he finds you.


Mr. T doesn't pity anyone who likes the Black Eyed Peas. He just kills them.


As a child MR. T used to go into the sewers of NY and hunt alligators. I know what you are thinking: “There are no alligators in the sewers of NY”. Yeah...Now!


Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Denny's forgot his birthday.

 

[Wolverine]

Who is Mr. T

 

[superpunk]

Who is Mr. T

I pity the fool who doesn't know who Mr. T is.

Chuck Norris would roundhouse kick the **** out of you for that.

 

[Qwickdraw]

Forest fires are merely the result of Chuck Norris practicing footsweeps on trees.

 

[Wolverine]

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take **** from anybody.

 

[Qwickdraw]

There are no fathers in the world other than Chuck Norris... only men that he allows women to reproduce with.

 

[kmp77]

OMG...i'm laughing so hard.....my jaw is soar and my throat is clinching up...oh man......

 

[Hiero]

chuck is the man. I love when they show the clips on conan o'brien.

 

[laxative juice]

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

 

[jaybird]

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[jaybird]

I Thought I Was Reading About Teddybrushci

 

[jaybird]

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