Grief...

[CowboyMcCoy]

Touchy subject. But I've been dealing with a lot of it lately. It's almost too much to handle. It hasn't even been two years since my daughter passed. Sometimes it feels like forever. Sometimes it feels like yesterday. Has anyone else dealt with grief for long periods of time? If so, how do you cope?

 

[Cowboys&LakersFan]

Yes I know how you feel man. I've been through quite a bit of tragedy in my life. When I was 10 I lost my cousin, when I was 13 my uncle was murdered and my grandma died a few months later. It's tough, but you just got to find a way to mentally stay strong and continue to live your life. There were times where I really didn't even wanna live anymore, but like I said you have to mentally stay strong. If you have to talk to a someone like a pastor or someone like that.

 

[The30YardSlant]

Witout getting religious or spiritual, I'll say that all you can do is focus on what you still have to live for. No matter how much tragedy one endures there is ALWAYS purpose to be found, and a man with a driven purpose is a man with little time for sorrow and self-pity.

 

[VietCowboy]

Witout getting religious or spiritual, I'll say that all you can do is focus on what you still have to live for. No matter how much tragedy one endures there is ALWAYS purpose to be found, and a man with a driven purpose is a man with little time for sorrow and self-pity.

Yep.

"He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how." - Viktor Frankl, Holocaust survivor in "Man's Search for Meaning"

 

[silverbear]

Touchy subject. But I've been dealing with a lot of it lately. It's almost too much to handle. It hasn't even been two years since my daughter passed. Sometimes it feels like forever. Sometimes it feels like yesterday. Has anyone else dealt with grief for long periods of time? If so, how do you cope?

I don't have a frame of reference to refer to, so perhaps it's silly of me to try to advise you, but I will anyway...

First and absolutely most important, you have a legitimate right to your grief, yours is a pain nobody should ever have to endure... it will probably take a long time for you to come to terms with this...

Second, find somebody (a professional) to talk to... it ain't much, but it's all I've got for you...

Except to tell you that I hurt for you... may God move on your soul, and grant you peace...

 

[Hoofbite]

I don't have a frame of reference to refer to, so perhaps it's silly of me to try to advise you, but I will anyway...

First and absolutely most important, you have a legitimate right to your grief, yours is a pain nobody should ever have to endure... it will probably take a long time for you to come to terms with this...

Second, find somebody (a professional) to talk to... it ain't much, but it's all I've got for you...

Except to tell you that I hurt for you... may God move on your soul, and grant you peace...

Simple, yet very precise.

 

[notherbob]

That is a load I cannot imagine. I am truly sorry, my friend.

I have had to deal with the loss of my parents and many friends over my lifetime but losing my own daughter is something I don't think I could ever really get over. I love her so much it hurts to be apart from her but she has her own life to live.

I lost the best friend of my life 19 years ago and I still feel a sweet sadness when I think about him and all the good times we had and the only thing that brings me any comfort is that he still lives on threough his children and that he no longer suffers but I will always miss him.

Death is as much a part of life as birth and just as inescapable. As long as someone thinks about us and misses us some part of us still lives.

In the long run we must all go home however we get there and our own lives don't matter as much as how we affected others while we lived and made them love us and made their lives better for our having been here. If we have lived well the pain of loss never goes away for those we leave behind but it does diminsh a little over time if we are able to love others and make their lives better for our having lived.

The older we get the more we become aware of our own mortality and the more we work on doing things for others so that we, too, are missed when we go back home. This is what drives me to use what I have learned to help relieve others' suffering so that someone will miss me and be glad I lived and made their lives better when it is my turn to go.

Some die and are never missed because they never positively affected the lives of others. Your suffering is a tribute to your daughter but in time you must help others, too, so that others will miss you and be glad that you made their lives better, at least that's the way I look at it.

If physicists are right, bodies die and are transformed into other matter and energy over the fullness of time but spirits never die because they are already energy and simply transform into other energy over time. Her spirit is still alive, you just can't see it but you can still feel her love for you and your love for her. She is now part of the underlying bed of energy of which all things in the universe are comprised. She is not only still in your heart but she is everywhere and always will be and that is a good thing because it is what life really is all about.

It is what makes doing things for others truly gratifying.

In my view, it is the way of things.

Your life is better for her having been here. What would it have been like if she had never existed? Surely less fulfulling not only for you but for all the others who found joy in her. In time perhaps your joy at her having come into your life and made it better will replace your sadness at seeing her go. I sincerely hope so.

I wish very good luck to you and yours, love them while you can for we are all transients here and hopefully we leave the place better for our having sojourned through here on our way back where we came from.

 

[Arch Stanton]

I don't have a frame of reference to refer to, so perhaps it's silly of me to try to advise you, but I will anyway...

First and absolutely most important, you have a legitimate right to your grief, yours is a pain nobody should ever have to endure... it will probably take a long time for you to come to terms with this...

Second, find somebody (a professional) to talk to... it ain't much, but it's all I've got for you...

Except to tell you that I hurt for you... may God move on your soul, and grant you peace...

Very good advice. I have done this myself.

It's usually dates like birthdays, Christmas, date of death (sounds morbid) that I find it to be real hard. There are a few places I go with my dog. Have some quiet time to myself. I can have a bit of a cry, but I always have my dog with me to play with and cheer me up.

You have to find things that work for you. It isn't easy. Good luck.

 

[kristie]

with what i've been going through lately with both my grandparents passing away nearly 7 months apart, dealing with grief is very hard. you just try & do the best you can. it never goes away though. the pain will always be there. that's what i learned especially after my mother had passed away when i was 13. my heart goes out to you, cowboy mccoy.

 

[big dog cowboy]

Has anyone else dealt with grief for long periods of time? If so, how do you cope?

Terribly.

 

[burmafrd]

I lost my father when I was 12 but still too young for it to really register like it would have if I had been older. My grandparents on my fathers side, whom I was close to died at 96 and 101; so my grief was tempered by the fact that they had had very long and productive lives.

So I have no frame of reference to this. Any advice I could give would be of the uninformed. All I can say is what I think which is that you put your head down and keep moving forward; all that I have ever heard is that the only thing that helps is time.

 

[Hostile]

Touchy subject. But I've been dealing with a lot of it lately. It's almost too much to handle. It hasn't even been two years since my daughter passed. Sometimes it feels like forever. Sometimes it feels like yesterday. Has anyone else dealt with grief for long periods of time? If so, how do you cope?

Lots of things going through my head now Ben. First of all, don't try to mask your grief with alcohol or drugs. It doesn't help. If anything you only forget for the brief time you are high and not thinking clearly.

Second, don't tell yourself you have no right or you have to get over it. When you do this you're really only punishing yourself for not getting over it. What happened to you is awful, and you have every right to feel the pain of it. The part that makes yours worse is that there are legal ramifications involved that could lead this to drag on for a while making you live it every day.

Third, because of that last part about dragging on, I'd suggest you see a professional therapist about this. Too many people turn their noses up to this idea. Let me just say it, you're not crazy and seeing one doesn't mean you might be. It means you hurt, and need to heal. That is what they are for.

Finally, find an outlet that honors your daughter somehow and focus on it when you can. My son died from Down's Syndrome. I am very much involved in Special Olympics. Become an advocate of something in her honor. It helps. It keeps you in touch. It heals.

You know where I am if you need to talk.

 

[Zaxor]

I have had unfortunately lots of practice with this and all I can tell you is just what everyone here just did... currently I am going through another crisis... just like always as I don't feel comfortable crying in front of others I cry when I am alone and the hurts sometimes overwhelm me...depending on the type of death it was I felt a certain emotion or a mix of emotions for a example I would feel both sad and glad sad they are gone glad they are no longer suffering sometimes all at once and I would be hurt and confused... other times I couldn't feel anything till months after...I still can suddenly out of nowhere get a rush of sadness over me that if I am alone will bring tears when my mind wandered over a memory of someone I lost and it can be from 30 or more years ago.

So in essence even with all the practice I had it is never easy nor does the pain go away some will tell you it lessens in time...I am not so sure about that... what I think happens by me anyway is I learn to live with it just as I do with the pain in my knees it still hurts like the dickens if ya think about it but you learn to live with it and it becomes like an old friend over time.

I have thought at times I just can't take it anymore...it is too much... dear gawd in heaven... it is too much for me too bare...and after crying for awhile I always manage to get up and go on though I thought it would kill me to do so and you will too though at times you feel like there is a ton of lead in each shoe...it is not easy... seems like it is the hardest thing I ever had to do just going on... taking the next breath...like others have said finding something to occupy yourself will help you start pushing the pain aside so you can atleast breath.

 

[CowboyWay]

I really don't know what to tell you, except we are all thinking about you, and wishing you good thoughts. I would tell you to keep discussing it, whether it is on here, or with friends and family. Don't bury your feelings. Let them out, and hopefully it will see you through.

 

[kimrose]

There is a song, an old song, many have sang it over the years, but my favorite is when the late, beautiful Billie Holiday did. It's called "Good Morning Heartache". This song has greeted me every morning, along with my coffee, for several years now, and as crazy as it sounds, it is actually comforting to sing it. Out loud. It is therapeutic in its own way, to here my own heartache coming out of me. This is one way I cope with my own losses, and they are many. Singing through my grief, it is as relieving as crying. It lets the steam out of of my soul and takes the pressure from my breaking heart. No, I do not sing well, but it doesn't matter. It helps me and that is all that matters.

I lost my dad, mom, sister, cousin, and brother in a years time. It has been two and half years since the last (Mom), but my hands are shaking as I am typing this. I don't know when I will be over all that I have been through. I have just come to realize that I probably never will. So I look for little things to relieve me, in the moments I can't take it. I compare it to shell shock, and the tremors and flashbacks war soldiers face. It is the same thing. Lost a few years worth of memories, literally, due to all of the events that surrounded their deaths.

Everyone here has given such wonderful advice, there is really little to add. It does take time to get to a point where you can breathe fully again. I am not quite there yet, and I know you are not either. But, I really do not believe time heals. It just allows you to cope better. Coping and healing are two different things.

One piece of advice no one has mentioned that I would like to share with you is this: Don't let the grief of others interfere with your own. What I mean is, don't let the greater losses of others make your own grief feel inadequate. You know the old saying, someone's got it worse than you. You hear on the news of an entire family that died in a car wreck or something, and you think, wow! That's way worse than what I am going through. It took me some time to realize that just because someone is hurting "worse" than me does not mean I am not allowed to feel my own pain. I am hurting for the ones that I LOVE and have lost and hurting for the suffering that they went through, and that pain is very real and my loved ones deserve for me to feel it if I must. Feel your pain and work through it, don't mask it because someone "has it worse" than you. That is my advice to you, Cowboy.

 

[ShiningStar]

Touchy subject. But I've been dealing with a lot of it lately. It's almost too much to handle. It hasn't even been two years since my daughter passed. Sometimes it feels like forever. Sometimes it feels like yesterday. Has anyone else dealt with grief for long periods of time? If so, how do you cope?

im sorry to hear of your pain, thats what it is, and no parent should have to bury their child. but if you could tell me of her, id love to hear about someone so special and what they meant. Its hard but it helps the process, ive also did it for a friend when his dad died and we talked and talked and talked until he couldnt anymore.

sometimes there are no answers, as we say where i work "we put one foot in front of the other" and keep it going. you dont walk along with friends.

 

[CowboyMcCoy]

Lots of things going through my head now Ben. First of all, don't try to mask your grief with alcohol or drugs. It doesn't help. If anything you only forget for the brief time you are high and not thinking clearly.

I did that the other night; I relapsed. It was fun for a moment, but it made me depressed for days. I think that may be what triggered it. I've been crying ever since. I got over the crying part a while back...now it came back.

Second, don't tell yourself you have no right or you have to get over it. When you do this you're really only punishing yourself for not getting over it. What happened to you is awful, and you have every right to feel the pain of it. The part that makes yours worse is that there are legal ramifications involved that could lead this to drag on for a while making you live it every day.

I thought I was over it. And I was ok with that.

Third, because of that last part about dragging on, I'd suggest you see a professional therapist about this. Too many people turn their noses up to this idea. Let me just say it, you're not crazy and seeing one doesn't mean you might be. It means you hurt, and need to heal. That is what they are for.

I talked to a psychiatrist. He said I can't help you. I've never lost a child. He gave me my money back and referred me to a grief place.

Finally, find an outlet that honors your daughter somehow and focus on it when you can. My son died from Down's Syndrome. I am very much involved in Special Olympics. Become an advocate of something in her honor. It helps. It keeps you in touch. It heals.

You know where I am if you need to talk.

I'll try. And thanks to you and everyone else. I'll get back to this thread when my eyes dry up.

 

[Idgit]

That is a load I cannot imagine. I am truly sorry, my friend.

I have had to deal with the loss of my parents and many friends over my lifetime but losing my own daughter is something I don't think I could ever really get over. I love her so much it hurts to be apart from her but she has her own life to live.

I lost the best friend of my life 19 years ago and I still feel a sweet sadness when I think about him and all the good times we had and the only thing that brings me any comfort is that he still lives on threough his children and that he no longer suffers but I will always miss him.

Death is as much a part of life as birth and just as inescapable. As long as someone thinks about us and misses us some part of us still lives.

In the long run we must all go home however we get there and our own lives don't matter as much as how we affected others while we lived and made them love us and made their lives better for our having been here. If we have lived well the pain of loss never goes away for those we leave behind but it does diminsh a little over time if we are able to love others and make their lives better for our having lived.

The older we get the more we become aware of our own mortality and the more we work on doing things for others so that we, too, are missed when we go back home. This is what drives me to use what I have learned to help relieve others' suffering so that someone will miss me and be glad I lived and made their lives better when it is my turn to go.

Some die and are never missed because they never positively affected the lives of others. Your suffering is a tribute to your daughter but in time you must help others, too, so that others will miss you and be glad that you made their lives better, at least that's the way I look at it.

If physicists are right, bodies die and are transformed into other matter and energy over the fullness of time but spirits never die because they are already energy and simply transform into other energy over time. Her spirit is still alive, you just can't see it but you can still feel her love for you and your love for her. She is now part of the underlying bed of energy of which all things in the universe are comprised. She is not only still in your heart but she is everywhere and always will be and that is a good thing because it is what life really is all about.

It is what makes doing things for others truly gratifying.

In my view, it is the way of things.

Your life is better for her having been here. What would it have been like if she had never existed? Surely less fulfulling not only for you but for all the others who found joy in her. In time perhaps your joy at her having come into your life and made it better will replace your sadness at seeing her go. I sincerely hope so.

I wish very good luck to you and yours, love them while you can for we are all transients here and hopefully we leave the place better for our having sojourned through here on our way back where we came from.

This was a very sweet post, notherbob.

 

[CowboyMcCoy]

im sorry to hear of your pain, thats what it is, and no parent should have to bury their child. but if you could tell me of her, id love to hear about someone so special and what they meant. Its hard but it helps the process, ive also did it for a friend when his dad died and we talked and talked and talked until he couldnt anymore.

sometimes there are no answers, as we say where i work "we put one foot in front of the other" and keep it going. you dont walk along with friends.

She was a spitting image of me. She'd cry and cry until I held her and then nothing other than a smile, even a little laugh. I talked to her every night since I found out she was conceived. I mean for like 7 months I talked to her. She would wiggle inside. When she was born, the first thing I said was "Babe, she's so beautiful."

She was tiny, but she could look in your eyes and melt you. Everyone loved her--too much. She slept a lot. She once peed in my face and I laughed about it. I just remember she would cry and cry until I'd put her on my chest and asleep she would go, or she would just stare into my eyes.

I can't explain how beautiful she was and how much she meant to me. I was so excited when she came. And so devastated when she left.

 

[ShiningStar]

She was a spitting image of me. She'd cry and cry until I held her and then nothing other than a smile, even a little laugh. I talked to her every night since I found out she was conceived. I mean for like 7 months I talked to her. She would wiggle inside. When she was born, the first thing I said was "Babe, she's so beautiful."

She was tiny, but she could look in your eyes and melt you. Everyone loved her--too much. She slept a lot. She once peed in my face and I laughed about it. I just remember she would cry and cry until I'd put her on my chest and asleep she would go, or she would just stare into my eyes.

I can't explain how beautiful she was and how much she meant to me. I was so excited when she came. And so devastated when she left.

thanks man, im glad i at least got to hear about her, if you have any pics feel free to share, ill look at them. She sounds like heaven.