Grief...

[Kangaroo]

Lots of real good advice from lots of people

Here is something else from my point of view

It is obvious you loved your daughter very much and it hurts that she is not around. Honor that love each day you wake up try and live the way you would have wanted her to live.

Hostile pointed out sometimes you honor them by taking up a cause. Maybe to help create awareness in the communities are fighting to change the way the states handled these cases we see this all the time with parents that suffer losses they heal by helping other people.

I will keep you in my prayers

 

[CowboyMcCoy]

thanks man, im glad i at least got to hear about her, if you have any pics feel free to share, ill look at them. She sounds like heaven.

I'll post them soon. I appreciate everyone's positive support. It helps. Thanks to all. I would reply to everyone, but that would make for a very long thread. I read every single post though and I appreciate every single one.

 

[CowboyMcCoy]

Lots of real good advice from lots of people

Here is something else from my point of view

It is obvious you loved your daughter very much and it hurts that she is not around. Honor that love each day you wake up try and live the way you would have wanted her to live.

Hostile pointed out sometimes you honor them by taking up a cause. Maybe to help create awareness in the communities are fighting to change the way the states handled these cases we see this all the time with parents that suffer losses they heal by helping other people.

I will keep you in my prayers

Thank You, Kangaroo. I have taken up a few causes. Sometimes, in my case, it can be a bit draining. But I never stop. I never will. Not until I die.

 

[Dallas]

This was a very sweet post, notherbob.

Notherbob is probably the nicest poster on the boards. He always posts w/ the high road in mind. I like them and am glad they are here.

Sorry about your loss CM. As a parent I can only imagine the pain and heartache of your loss.

sad-sad to go through that...

 

[CowboyMcCoy]

with what i've been going through lately with both my grandparents passing away nearly 7 months apart, dealing with grief is very hard. you just try & do the best you can. it never goes away though. the pain will always be there. that's what i learned especially after my mother had passed away when i was 13. my heart goes out to you, cowboy mccoy.

I'm sorry, Kristie. My heart goes out to you, too.

I don't have a frame of reference to refer to, so perhaps it's silly of me to try to advise you, but I will anyway...

First and absolutely most important, you have a legitimate right to your grief, yours is a pain nobody should ever have to endure... it will probably take a long time for you to come to terms with this...

Second, find somebody (a professional) to talk to... it ain't much, but it's all I've got for you...

Except to tell you that I hurt for you... may God move on your soul, and grant you peace...

Thank You much, Silverbear. I appreciate the compassion and insight.

Yes I know how you feel man. I've been through quite a bit of tragedy in my life. When I was 10 I lost my cousin, when I was 13 my uncle was murdered and my grandma died a few months later. It's tough, but you just got to find a way to mentally stay strong and continue to live your life. There were times where I really didn't even wanna live anymore, but like I said you have to mentally stay strong. If you have to talk to a someone like a pastor or someone like that.

That's terrible. Thanks for sharing.

That is a load I cannot imagine. I am truly sorry, my friend.

I have had to deal with the loss of my parents and many friends over my lifetime but losing my own daughter is something I don't think I could ever really get over. I love her so much it hurts to be apart from her but she has her own life to live.

I lost the best friend of my life 19 years ago and I still feel a sweet sadness when I think about him and all the good times we had and the only thing that brings me any comfort is that he still lives on threough his children and that he no longer suffers but I will always miss him.

Death is as much a part of life as birth and just as inescapable. As long as someone thinks about us and misses us some part of us still lives.

In the long run we must all go home however we get there and our own lives don't matter as much as how we affected others while we lived and made them love us and made their lives better for our having been here. If we have lived well the pain of loss never goes away for those we leave behind but it does diminsh a little over time if we are able to love others and make their lives better for our having lived.

The older we get the more we become aware of our own mortality and the more we work on doing things for others so that we, too, are missed when we go back home. This is what drives me to use what I have learned to help relieve others' suffering so that someone will miss me and be glad I lived and made their lives better when it is my turn to go.

Some die and are never missed because they never positively affected the lives of others. Your suffering is a tribute to your daughter but in time you must help others, too, so that others will miss you and be glad that you made their lives better, at least that's the way I look at it.

If physicists are right, bodies die and are transformed into other matter and energy over the fullness of time but spirits never die because they are already energy and simply transform into other energy over time. Her spirit is still alive, you just can't see it but you can still feel her love for you and your love for her. She is now part of the underlying bed of energy of which all things in the universe are comprised. She is not only still in your heart but she is everywhere and always will be and that is a good thing because it is what life really is all about.

It is what makes doing things for others truly gratifying.

In my view, it is the way of things.

Your life is better for her having been here. What would it have been like if she had never existed? Surely less fulfulling not only for you but for all the others who found joy in her. In time perhaps your joy at her having come into your life and made it better will replace your sadness at seeing her go. I sincerely hope so.

I wish very good luck to you and yours, love them while you can for we are all transients here and hopefully we leave the place better for our having sojourned through here on our way back where we came from.

Notherbob, as one of my favorite posters, this means a lot to me.

Witout getting religious or spiritual, I'll say that all you can do is focus on what you still have to live for. No matter how much tragedy one endures there is ALWAYS purpose to be found, and a man with a driven purpose is a man with little time for sorrow and self-pity.

Much appreciated insight, 30Yard.

Yep.

"He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how." - Viktor Frankl, Holocaust survivor in "Man's Search for Meaning"

Once again, the quote you choose inspired me.

Terribly.

I'm sorry. I can relate, obviously.

I have had unfortunately lots of practice with this and all I can tell you is just what everyone here just did... currently I am going through another crisis... just like always as I don't feel comfortable crying in front of others I cry when I am alone and the hurts sometimes overwhelm me...depending on the type of death it was I felt a certain emotion or a mix of emotions for a example I would feel both sad and glad sad they are gone glad they are no longer suffering sometimes all at once and I would be hurt and confused... other times I couldn't feel anything till months after...I still can suddenly out of nowhere get a rush of sadness over me that if I am alone will bring tears when my mind wandered over a memory of someone I lost and it can be from 30 or more years ago.

So in essence even with all the practice I had it is never easy nor does the pain go away some will tell you it lessens in time...I am not so sure about that... what I think happens by me anyway is I learn to live with it just as I do with the pain in my knees it still hurts like the dickens if ya think about it but you learn to live with it and it becomes like an old friend over time.

I have thought at times I just can't take it anymore...it is too much... dear gawd in heaven... it is too much for me too bare...and after crying for awhile I always manage to get up and go on though I thought it would kill me to do so and you will too though at times you feel like there is a ton of lead in each shoe...it is not easy... seems like it is the hardest thing I ever had to do just going on... taking the next breath...like others have said finding something to occupy yourself will help you start pushing the pain aside so you can atleast breath.

Interesting perspective. PM me if you ever want to talk about what you're going through my friend.

I lost my father when I was 12 but still too young for it to really register like it would have if I had been older. My grandparents on my fathers side, whom I was close to died at 96 and 101; so my grief was tempered by the fact that they had had very long and productive lives.

So I have no frame of reference to this. Any advice I could give would be of the uninformed. All I can say is what I think which is that you put your head down and keep moving forward; all that I have ever heard is that the only thing that helps is time.

I'm just gritting my teeth and pulling myself up by the bootstraps today. Thanks, burm.

I really don't know what to tell you, except we are all thinking about you, and wishing you good thoughts. I would tell you to keep discussing it, whether it is on here, or with friends and family. Don't bury your feelings. Let them out, and hopefully it will see you through.

Thank You. I have been letting them out. Like Zaxor, it's hard to show it when you cry. But that's what I've been doing. It's getting a little better now though.

There is a song, an old song, many have sang it over the years, but my favorite is when the late, beautiful Billie Holiday did. It's called "Good Morning Heartache". This song has greeted me every morning, along with my coffee, for several years now, and as crazy as it sounds, it is actually comforting to sing it. Out loud. It is therapeutic in its own way, to here my own heartache coming out of me. This is one way I cope with my own losses, and they are many. Singing through my grief, it is as relieving as crying. It lets the steam out of of my soul and takes the pressure from my breaking heart. No, I do not sing well, but it doesn't matter. It helps me and that is all that matters.

I lost my dad, mom, sister, cousin, and brother in a years time. It has been two and half years since the last (Mom), but my hands are shaking as I am typing this. I don't know when I will be over all that I have been through. I have just come to realize that I probably never will. So I look for little things to relieve me, in the moments I can't take it. I compare it to shell shock, and the tremors and flashbacks war soldiers face. It is the same thing. Lost a few years worth of memories, literally, due to all of the events that surrounded their deaths.

Everyone here has given such wonderful advice, there is really little to add. It does take time to get to a point where you can breathe fully again. I am not quite there yet, and I know you are not either. But, I really do not believe time heals. It just allows you to cope better. Coping and healing are two different things.

One piece of advice no one has mentioned that I would like to share with you is this: Don't let the grief of others interfere with your own. What I mean is, don't let the greater losses of others make your own grief feel inadequate. You know the old saying, someone's got it worse than you. You hear on the news of an entire family that died in a car wreck or something, and you think, wow! That's way worse than what I am going through. It took me some time to realize that just because someone is hurting "worse" than me does not mean I am not allowed to feel my own pain. I am hurting for the ones that I LOVE and have lost and hurting for the suffering that they went through, and that pain is very real and my loved ones deserve for me to feel it if I must. Feel your pain and work through it, don't mask it because someone "has it worse" than you. That is my advice to you, Cowboy.

Thank You, Kimrose. Not to sound arrogant, but I never feel like someone has it worse than me unless they've lost more than one child and/or a spouse along with it (which I have seen in grief group... that don't seem to help me.) I feel for others. But truthfully, I would have rather lost a parent or something. That sounds harsh, but that's the natural cycle of life. Your children aren't supposed to die before you do. It just doesn't feel right. Although I do know I will miss my folks when they pass.

 

[CowboyMcCoy]

Notherbob is probably the nicest poster on the boards. He always posts w/ the high road in mind. I like them and am glad they are here.

Sorry about your loss CM. As a parent I can only imagine the pain and heartache of your loss.

sad-sad to go through that...

Thanks, Dallas. And I agree about Notherbob. One of the nicest, most interesting posters on CZ.

 

[kimrose]

You are right, Cowboy. Your children are not supposed to pass before you. It is unnatural. I agree with you. That is why I know that you have it worse than I do, even after all of my losses. Just keep your chin up, buddy. Some days you feel your love may kill you, but just know that in your weakest moments, you are growing stronger. And it is your Love for your little girl that will sustain you. Peace be with you.

 

[CowboyMcCoy]

You are right, Cowboy. Your children are not supposed to pass before you. It is unnatural. I agree with you. That is why I know that you have it worse than I do, even after all of my losses. Just keep your chin up, buddy. Some days you feel your love may kill you, but just know that in your weakest moments, you are growing stronger. And it is your Love for your little girl that will sustain you. Peace be with you.

Thank you so much. I wasn't trying to say I have it worse, in reality. That's just how I feel.

 

[Cajuncowboy]

Well, this is probably an appropriate place for this. I just came by the Zone to divert my attention but...

I just got word that my mother has passed away about an hour ago. I will tell you this, when my dad died, it was tough on me and I had intense grief for an extended period of time. We were very close. But as time went on it got easier and eventually it wasn't grief any longer but gratefulness for the time we were together.

At this point I feel different with my mom. We were close as well but I am older and, to be honest and probably break a forum rule here, but I am much stronger in my faith now than then and know that my parents were both saved. That being said, it makes the passing of my mother much easier because I know where she is.

I think the grieving process is different for everyone, and every situation is different. What I know you went through I have not experienced so I can't say what you should do in the natural world to get over it. But if you want to trade some PMs, let me know. I will be heading out for Louisiana in the morning to make arrangements and for the service but when I get bck you are more than welcome to PM me.

In the mean time, I will pray for you in this process.

 

[CowboyMcCoy]

Well, this is probably an appropriate place for this. I just came by the Zone to divert my attention but...

I just got word that my mother has passed away about an hour ago. I will tell you this, when my dad died, it was tough on me and I had intense grief for an extended period of time. We were very close. But as time went on it got easier and eventually it wasn't grief any longer but gratefulness for the time we were together.

At this point I feel different with my mom. We were close as well but I am older and, to be honest and probably break a forum rule here, but I am much stronger in my faith now than then and know that my parents were both saved. That being said, it makes the passing of my mother much easier because I know where she is.

I think the grieving process is different for everyone, and every situation is different. What I know you went through I have not experienced so I can't say what you should do in the natural world to get over it. But if you want to trade some PMs, let me know. I will be heading out for Louisiana in the morning to make arrangements and for the service but when I get bck you are more than welcome to PM me.

In the mean time, I will pray for you in this process.

Wow, bud, my heart goes out to you. I took a friend of mine to dinner with my mom--a nice girl with a really nice smile. Anyway, my mother is having surgery on Monday. In the past, she hasn't done well under anesthesia. This worries me. I was thinking I've already lost a lot, but it would get even worse. I mean, it is +1.

My guess is you may have known it was coming, or maybe you do have that much faith... no one is specifying, by the way. Whatever it is, I just hope you are in a good place mentally and, above all, that you have the family you need around you and whoever else lost your mother along with you. It's time for togetherness. I sometimes wish I had that.

Anyway, maybe this was my little Angel's way of saying hello to your mom.

(I still have those old emails saved, by the way.)

 

[SDogo]

I don't know if it apply's here but I just watched a great movie and line in it got me thinking about some of my own issue's lately.

Guy in the movie lost his young daughter and after many weeks he visited with his pastor who asked him, "Do you want to live angry for the time you did not get with her or be thankful and cherish the time you did have"?

For me, it really brought things into prospective.

 

[cajuncocoa]

Touchy subject. But I've been dealing with a lot of it lately. It's almost too much to handle. It hasn't even been two years since my daughter passed. Sometimes it feels like forever. Sometimes it feels like yesterday. Has anyone else dealt with grief for long periods of time? If so, how do you cope?

I'm so sorry for your loss...many have already posted very good advice for you in this thread that I couldn't improve upon, but I wanted you to know that I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[Cowboys&LakersFan]

I don't know if it apply's here but I just watched a great movie and line in it got me thinking about some of my own issue's lately.

Guy in the movie lost his young daughter and after many weeks he visited with his pastor who asked him, "Do you want to live angry for the time you did not get with her or be thankful and cherish the time you did have"?

For me, it really brought things into prospective.

What's the movie called?

 

[SDogo]

What's the movie called?

Courageous.........great Christian film with some real good life lessons for everyone.

 

[CowboyMcCoy]

I'm so sorry for your loss...many have already posted very good advice for you in this thread that I couldn't improve upon, but I wanted you to know that I will keep you in my prayers.

Thank You, Canjuncocoa.

 

[iceberg]

i can't tell you how to feel.

only stand beside you while you do it.

 

[SDogo]

i can't tell you how to feel.

only stand beside you while you do it.

Ironically in my case at least, that's what I need more then anything. I don't want advice or words of encouragement. I just want people around me that will let me deal with it how I must and support that.

 

[iceberg]

Ironically in my case at least, that's what I need more then anything. I don't want advice or words of encouragement. I just want people around me that will let me deal with it how I must and support that.

i was the "voice of reason" to many of my friends early on. i figured at that point i had to force how i felt upon them to get them to learn how i thought about things.

i had a very small figured female friend ***** me out because she just wanted me to listen. not fix things.

sometimes fixing things is just letting people vent and being proud they came to you to do it.

 

[CowboyMcCoy]

i was the "voice of reason" to many of my friends early on. i figured at that point i had to force how i felt upon them to get them to learn how i thought about things.

i had a very small figured female friend ***** me out because she just wanted me to listen. not fix things.

sometimes fixing things is just letting people vent and being proud they came to you to do it.

This is true. My thoughts will be with Cajun and I appreciate everyone for their support and thinking about me and my grief as well. But, yeah, we all handle things differently. I think losing a daughter or son is probably the worst thing you can go through though. I dread the day my folks pass too, though. Man, what a crazy life we live.

 

[Bigdog]

I am sorry to hear about your loss of your daughter. I am not going to tell you how you should feel because everyone takes death differently. I do know a little of what you are going through because I loss my daughter 8 years ago. I tried not to dwell on it and look at what God gave me and my wife in my twin daughters. I will never forget the daughter that I loss and she will always be in my heart as your daughter is in your heart. Like Hos said please don't resort to drugs or alcohol because that just compromise the pain even more. As far as the psychiatrist telling you he has never loss a child and gave you your money back was an ethical and professional thing to do. If he is not competent in the subjuect mattter than he should not treat you but there are other professionals out there who may help you as well as support groups. I will always be here to support you and my thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. Keep your chin up.