Having a girl best friend

[LittleBoyBlue]

 

[Idgit]

that person stated that under the guise of trying to get back with the kids mother...which is the relationship advice. It wasnt just "shouldnt you think about your kids?"....it was "shouldnt you think about your kids and consider getting back in a relationship with their mom?"

Which also had zero to do with the topic of the thread. He's not asking anybody for help re his relationship with the mother of his children, and it's presumptuous to condescend to give it unasked for. That's the point.

He's asking for help with the new relationship only, not inviting criticism regarding what people choose to assume about his other life choices.

 

[Kevinicus]

LOL, .. you missed the entire point.

No, the worst thing for the kids is bringing them into the world in the first place without strong intentions or commitment to stay with their mother.

I know it does not always work, but that should be the intention if you are bringing children into the world. People give up on that way too easy.

Get married, and THEN have children.

Nothing wrong with meeting, fall in love, get married, enjoy each other for a year or so or whatever you choose, .. and then have children together, Mom and Dad raising the child together, and living together as a family.

Not shack up, knock up, pack up ... and leave.

You can tell that this has obviously hit a nerve with me. The family unit is deteriorating, and the kids get the short end of the stick.

I definitely agree that that is the ideal situation. I think people should try to strive for that, and should probably look at ways to not have kids until they are with someone they can make that commitment with. Though I don't know that I'd say the best thing for the kids would be eliminating their existence. I'm sure that's not how you meant it, but it is how it comes across (worst thing for them being brought into the world).

Having said if someone does have kids with someone who they aren't really committed to (or in many cases even in a relationship with), I think the worst thing for them is to try and turn that into a commitment "for the kid's sake." That is a recipe for disaster and is more than likely going to create a poor environment for the kids to be raised in.

I do also agree with you that how willing she is to accept and love his kids is something he needs to be very concerned about. That should be potential deal breaker #1.

 

[WV Cowboy]

He's asking for help with the new relationship only, not inviting criticism regarding what people choose to assume about his other life choices.

That's the point, now that he has brought two children into the world, things have changed. His priorities have to change too.
Every one of his "life choices" now involve his children.
His choice to separate from their mother impacts them, and now he is already contemplating bringing another woman into their lives, .. who they have never seen and don't even know. That will impact them in a big way too.

When I read his first post all I could think about was his kids, .. I guess that's where we are different. All I was thinking about was the kids.

I couldn't read that post and NOT think about how this all was impacting those kids.

He is not a silly, flirting, high schooler any longer. He is a father of two now.

All I was suggesting to him was since you now have children, your relationships are not only 'just about you' any longer.

Those kids are going through a really tough time right now, .. they need Dad.

 

[LittleBoyBlue]

..Now my question to all my cowboy buddies since this is the only forum i post on....should i bite the bullet and approach her and maybe be rejected and ruin any comfort she has with me as a friend OR should i bite my tounge and just continue this long term friendship???....help!

 

[Idgit]

That's the point, now that he has brought two children into the world, things have changed. His priorities have to change too.
Every one of his "life choices" now involve his children.
His choice to separate from their mother impacts them, and now he is already contemplating bringing another woman into their lives, .. who they have never seen and don't even know. That will impact them in a big way too.

When I read his first post all I could think about was his kids, .. I guess that's where we are different. All I was thinking about was the kids.

I couldn't read that post and NOT think about how this all was impacting those kids.

He is not a silly, flirting, high schooler any longer. He is a father of two now.

All I was suggesting to him was since you now have children, your relationships are not only 'just about you' any longer.

Those kids are going through a really tough time right now, .. they need Dad.

What you're doing is making a presumption that is not based on information. Then you're making a judgement based off of your presumption, criticizing someone you don't know personally based off of that judgement, and couching it as concern for his kids. The reality is, you don't know anything about him as a parent, and that topic, while more important than the topic at hand, is completely unrelated to his actual question.

Nobody would dispute that kids need a strong father or that the breakup of their parents is a stressful time, so I hope we can all agree that they need their dad. We should probably also agree that this was not a thread from somebody asking for parenting advice. If he chooses to ask you for some, by all means, you should give it and you're on the right track focusing on what it takes to be a strong father. But until he's actually asking you, you're just making unflattering judgments off of insufficient data.

It'd like me suggesting you're preachy or controlling as a parent and that you should lighten up on your kids based off of some of your posts here in this thread. Where would I come off saying something like that based off of a judgement I've made from a few anonymous sentences on the internet? I wouldn't dream of it, because you didn't ask and I don't have the information available to support such an aggressive opinion. It'd be very likely wrong and very easily interpreted as insulting, and probably rightfully so.

In any event, OP, we're continuing to drift farther from the topic. It sounds like you benefitted from some good advice, and I hope it works out well for you and for everybody involved in the long run. Best of luck.

 

[WV Cowboy]

What you're doing is making a presumption that is not based on information. Then you're making a judgement based off of your presumption, criticizing someone you don't know personally based off of that judgement, and couching it as concern for his kids.

That flows real eloquently, but see, I don't think I presumed anything, he told me what I needed to know with his initial post.

I also was not judging him as a parent, .. I never gave my opinion of his parenting skills, good or bad. If I criticized him it was for his relationship skills, not his parenting.

I also was not couching anything, I think I put it right out there in the open how I felt about him, and that my concern was for his kids.

If someone splashes their life story out on a message board like he did, they probably should be prepared for whatever they get back.

Maybe he likes it and maybe he doesn't. He doesn't seem real concerned either way though, not sure why you are.

I'm not real concerned about what he thinks though.

Like I said earlier, I would tell my own son the same thing.

(see, I was just giving him some fatherly advice, .. LOL)

Oh, and if you ever feel the need to give me advice, I would at least listen to see if you were right.

 

[Idgit]

...If someone splashes their life story out on a message board like he did, they probably should be prepared for whatever they get back.

This is the crux of the issue, anyway. What you say here is not true.

Someone asking for specific advice about whether or not they should be direct about their romantic feelings for a best friend is not opening themselves up to 'whatever they get back.' Sure, you're free to drag unrelated advice into the thread based off of whatever your suppositions are. If you're otherwise staying in the guidelines, there's not much wrong with it beyond the fact that it's needlessly taking the topic off of what he actually came here for (and in this case, it sounds like that issue has already been addressed anyway, which is great).

In the end, I wouldn't say that I'm 'concerned' with your digression. I'm simply trying to point out that you're off track and sort of talking down to somebody when you don't have the real story. I know you're doing it with good intentions, but I thought you might not realize that it comes off as condescending and, in my opinion at least--though I don't think I'm alone here--presumptuous.

It's easier to actually be heard when the advice is well-founded or invited. From my experience, when it's neither it often has the opposite effect. Or it has no effect beyond being potentially unintentionally hurtful. Either way, it's counterproductive.

 

[WV Cowboy]

This is the crux of the issue, anyway. What you say here is not true.

We must be on different internets then.

It's obvious we each took something completely different from reading the OP.

There is way more in that original post than you want to make it seem. It's not like he only asked a simple relationship question.
He actually started and took us from his sophomore year in high school and gave us detail by detail about the next 12-13 years of his life, .. up to the present.
You can glean a lot about someone that shares that much about themselves. I didn't have to be presumptuous.

After all of that, all I told him was, "put your focus on your children, they need Dad."
That is not judgmental.

 

[Idgit]

We must be on different internets then.

It's obvious we each took something completely different from reading the OP.

There is way more in that original post than you want to make it seem. It's not like he only asked a simple relationship question.
He actually started and took us from his sophomore year in high school and gave us detail by detail about the next 12-13 years of his life, .. up to the present.
You can glean a lot about someone that shares that much about themselves. I didn't have to be presumptuous.

After all of that, all I told him was, "put your focus on your children, they need Dad."
That is not judgmental.

"Sorry, but I think you need to grow up and stop acting like some high schooler."

Lines that that one is actually more of what I was referring to when I said you were being fairly judgmental.

At the end of the day, I wanted to bring my interpretation of the assumptions you're making to your attention. It sounds like we're not going to agree, and that's ok, too. I do believe you're genuinely trying to offer the advice you think is best to the guy.

At any rate, he got the advice he needed from the thread and has a chance of it working out. Hopefully that can end up being a positive for his kids, as well.

 

[LittleBoyBlue]

"Sorry, but I think you need to grow up and stop acting like some high schooler."

Lines that that one is actually more of what I was referring to when I said you were being fairly judgmental.

At the end of the day, I wanted to bring my interpretation of the assumptions you're making to your attention. It sounds like we're not going to agree, and that's ok, too. I do believe you're genuinely trying to offer the advice you think is best to the guy.

At any rate, he got the advice he needed from the thread and has a chance of it working out. Hopefully that can end up being a positive for his kids, as well.

Case in point.

We must be on different internets then.

It's obvious we each took something completely different from reading the OP.

There is way more in that original post than you want to make it seem. It's not like he only asked a simple relationship question.
He actually started and took us from his sophomore year in high school and gave us detail by detail about the next 12-13 years of his life, .. up to the present.
You can glean a lot about someone that shares that much about themselves. I didn't have to be presumptuous.

After all of that, all I told him was, "put your focus on your children, they need Dad."
That is not judgmental.

 

[Idgit]

Case in point.

All it takes is one sneaky horse to trick you once, and you learn to just keep swinging, to be sure you really got him.

 

[BigStar]

Ive had a friend now for about 12-13 years now...we met in high school sophmore year....ive always been attracted to her she is a beautiful woman and im well meehh..Well in between all of that i met another woman eventually and we ended up having 2 beautiful children..and because of her jealousy me and my best friend somewhat drifted away and spoke rarely if not at all for about 3-4 years. Well me and my girlfriend are now split up. Its been about 3 months. Now that we are over i have been going out a bit more often, and i recently ran into her at a bar, mind that we have always been a little more close then most best friends imo weve kissed, held hands, cuddled things of that nature but never have "hit the homerun" lol per say...and i dont mind at all. Back to the story we recently bumped into eachother and she was a bit more touchy feely then i can remember, saying things like "i missed you alot" and "i love you"...and quite honestly i felt the exact same way, which to me was a dream come true..anyways i ended up going to a friends for after hours drinks and well i text her "it was nice seeing you again i really missed you" and to my suprise she ended up calling me and inviting me over to her place. I immediately dropped my plans and said i would be rite over, so i took the drive and when i got there i was greeted with a hug and an immediate kiss we layed together and i may have went a little farther then i normally would have years ago...which by the way was awsome ..but still no "homerun". We were both a little intoxicated which by the way seems to be the only way we ever seem to connect romantically. We all know the saying "the truth comes out when your drunk". But anways back to my story and almost to my point, this time it seemed diffrent i felt something else something i havent felt in a long time essentially LOVE i felt like is was brand new...and from what she said she agreed. Okay now to my point...its been about a week since the day and either of us have had the courage to talk about it sober..which seems all to familiar.Now my question to all my cowboy buddies since this is the only forum i post on....should i bite the bullet and approach her and maybe be rejected and ruin any comfort she has with me as a friend OR should i bite my tounge and just continue this long term friendship???....help!

Come on dude, it's over before you started; males and females aren't legitimate friends unless there is NO sexual intent involved; which is rare. Our spouses know we are full of it...I have a sister one year younger (Irish twin) and warned her against any "male friends" unless they were gay, etc. Unless they had no attraction to you (same sex friendships) it is a fallacy that will hurt one or the other when they eventually choose someone "worthy". I hope no guys/women are the "friend" bc that is the worst common denominator = your "friend" loves you but he/she fell in love with another man/woman? What is there to win in this exactly? I know this sounds limited but never see it work out otherwise...women make the move if you don't...

 

[LittleBoyBlue]

Come on dude, it's over before you started; males and females aren't legitimate friends unless there is NO sexual intent involved; which is rare. Our spouses know we are full of it...I have a sister one year younger (Irish twin) and warned her against any "male friends" unless they were gay, etc. Unless they had no attraction to you (same sex friendships) it is a fallacy that will hurt one or the other when they eventually choose someone "worthy". I hope no guys/women are the "friend" bc that is the worst common denominator = your "friend" loves you but he/she fell in love with another man/woman? What is there to win in this exactly? I know this sounds limited but never see it work out otherwise...women make the move if you don't...

#43

 

[BigStar]

#43

Late...bad guy 43 or something?

 

[LittleBoyBlue]

Late...bad guy 43 or something?

Lol

post #43

 

[BigStar]

Lol

post #43

I'm s marta man ya see

 

[jimmy40]

I don't want to read the thread, did the OP get any or what?

 

[speedkilz88]

All it takes is one sneaky horse to trick you once, and you learn to just keep swinging, to be sure you really got him.

But is it possible to be on your high horse while simultaneously beating said dead horse?

 

[blumayne38]

I love life i love my kids and all the people in it including my ex and i love cowboys football