How to make women happy...

[WoodysGirl]

In the world of romance, one single rule applies to the man: Make the
woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something
she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for
doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)



You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)

in the rain (+8)

but return with beer (-5)
​

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You pummel it with an iron rod (+10)

It's her pet (-10)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
buddy (-2)

named Tina (-4)
who is a dancer (-6)

and has silicone implants (-80)
​

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (0)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
​

Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

and it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

​

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+2)

You take her to a movie she likes (+4)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

and it's called "DeathCop" (-3)
​

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
​

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

ANSWERING THAT "BIG" QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)

You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response (-20)
​

(Yes, you LOSE points no matter what!)
COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned expression (0)

You listen for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)

​

Now what chance do you have?

 

[laythewood28]

:bomb: I'm in trouble. :anvil:

 

[Gaede]

Haha. Let's say you go out to buy her something she wants, in the rain, get her whatever that is--AND get beers at the same time.

What's the score for that? Do they cancel eachother out or what?

 

[BrAinPaiNt]

LOL


OR.....


You can just take her to the taxidermists and have her fixed with a perma grin on her face so she always looks happy and never yells at you. :

 

[silverbear]

LOL


OR.....


You can just take her to the taxidermists and have her fixed with a perma grin on her face so she always looks happy and never yells at you. :

Naw, that's how to make YOU happy...

Funniest marital fight I ever saw was at a party where some guy, not knowing his significant other was within earshot, opined that "it's a cryin' shame that women don't come with a mute button"...

The look on her face when he said that was comical, the look on his when he saw HER face was priceless... it was like "oh, S***, I'll be sleepin' on the sofa for the next month"...

What he didn't know was he'd be walkin' home that night... :bang2:

 

[royhitshard]

LOL


OR.....


You can just take her to the taxidermists and have her fixed with a perma grin on her face so she always looks happy and never yells at you. :

GREAT IDEA!!!

 

[silverbear]

In the world of romance, one single rule applies to the man: Make the
woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something
she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for
doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

How exactly do you make beds?? That's women's work... (-100)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)

in the rain (+8)

but return with beer (-5)​

Hey, I got a six-pack for HER, too... and it was ICE-COLD...

I was hopin' to get her drunk, then maybe she'd do that thing she's always resisted doing... (-200)

​

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You pummel it with an iron rod (+10)

It's her pet (-10)

Never did like cats... (-250)...

C'mon, don't overreact like that... is it that time of the month again?? (-500)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
buddy (-2)

named Tina (-4)
who is a dancer (-6)

and has silicone implants (-80)​

And I DANCED with her... a SLOW dance... (-500)

​

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (0)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
​

Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

and it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)​

Hey, I thought she LIKED Burger King... (-100)

And those tickets to Wrestlemania were freakin' EXPENSIVE... front row, where you get spattered with sweat, maybe a little blood if you're lucky... (-1000)

​

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+2)

You take her to a movie she likes (+4)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

and it's called "DeathCop" (-3)
​

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)​

Aw h*ll, it was your BIRTHDAY?? My bad... (-1000)

​

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

In fact, it's bigger than mine... (-10,000)

ANSWERING THAT "BIG" QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)

You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response (-20)
​

(Yes, you LOSE points no matter what!)

Just make sure to stand by a hippo, nobody will notice... (-500)

But hey, it's OK, I LIKE muu-muus... (-1000)

COMMUNICATION



When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned expression (0)

You listen for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)​

Honest, that yawn was a purely physical reflex caused by fatigue... (-10,000)

​

Now what chance do you have?

Suddenly I understand how I came to be over 50, and still single... women, who can figure 'em out?? They get annoyed at the silliest things...

 

[BrAinPaiNt]

Naw, that's how to make YOU happy...

Funniest marital fight I ever saw was at a party where some guy, not knowing his significant other was within earshot, opined that "it's a cryin' shame that women don't come with a mute button"...

The look on her face when he said that was comical, the look on his when he saw HER face was priceless... it was like "oh, S***, I'll be sleepin' on the sofa for the next month"...

What he didn't know was he'd be walkin' home that night... :bang2:

LOL....but she will have a smile on her face...she will LOOK Happy. :

BTW I have pointed the remote at the wife and acted like I was hitting the mute button and then say "This darn thing is not working" lol.

But she knows I am joking.

 

[Juke99]

This thread title is an oxymoron.

 

[silverbear]

LOL....but she will have a smile on her face...she will LOOK Happy. :

BTW I have pointed the remote at the wife and acted like I was hitting the mute button and then say "This darn thing is not working" lol.

But she knows I am joking.

I'm sorry, I simply don't believe that... it has been scientifically proven that the gene governing the sense of humor is located on the Y chromosome...

 

[BrAinPaiNt]

GREAT IDEA!!!

I have already told her that when she gets older I may have her stuffed and have her put on a track in front of a window in the house.

Every once in awhile I will move her across the window so others think she is alive.

That way I still get her SS check that goes straight to the bank. :

However I did tell her I would have her one arm and hand fixed so it looks like she is pointing at me telling me what to do because I might miss that after having it done so many years lol.

 

[Kangaroo]

MY + 10 for checking a noise and whacking it with an Iron rod (while it was a wooden boken {training sword} close enough) was quickly destoryed with the do i look fat question don't ask me i will tell you the truth

 

[Qwickdraw]

Why don't women need a watch?

-Because there's a clock on the oven.


How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

-When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."


How many men does it take to open a beer?

-None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.


What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?

-Divorced.


Why do men break wind more than women?

-Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.


Why do men need women?

-Because adult websites can't do the dishes.

 

[VirusX]

This thread title is an oxymoron.

Couldnt have said it better.


I always thought you spell the word Women with these letters d, r, a, and m and only one of them is repeated. While us men eat sleep crap and watch the cowboys. I'm sure that will all change when I get married though Then it will be.

Men are PIGS and Women are Angels. No'Ma'Am I do not like beer, action films or that horrible game called football (sin)

Sorry Im not changing "much" when I get married :whip:

 

[CowboyPrincess]

This thread title is an oxymoron.

ah hummm.....

I see that Sir Juke wants to go back to the top of my list.....

 

[Juke99]

ah hummm.....

I see that Sir Juke wants to go back to the top of my list.....

Hi Ya Bouncie...

I thought I was always at the top of your list...

"Favorite Fellas"
1- Sir Juke

 

[CowboyPrincess]

Hi Ya Bouncie...

I thought I was always at the top of your list...

"Favorite Fellas"
1- Sir Juke

Hiya...

Yes you are at the tops of that list... however, you'd probably have to fight Hos, BP and Chad for it...

 

[Dawgs0916]

I always thought acknowledging they exist is enough....I guess im a little off on my expertise..

 

[Qwickdraw]

Why do women have breasts?

-So men will talk to them.

 

[Reality]

Actually, the solution is simple .. find a very pretty woman, one you'd love to go out with and find out where she lives. Then, start sending her a check every month for whatever amount you cannot afford to pay. That way, you get screwed and yet you can do what you want whenever you want

It's the simple things ...