dargonking999
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http://straightcashhomey.net/?p=52
Hey guys. Drew here. When the fellas at StraightCashHomey asked me to write a post about coach retiring, I initially told them “What’s wrong? Your little blog sucks and now you want me to come to the rescue? Well I have better things to do with my time than to make stupid jokes. Frankly, I don’t even understand half of them!”
However, then I told them I was open to bribes and four hours later, the postman had delivered six manila envelopes filled to the brim with ground beef. We were in business.
So for my first post, I’m here to give you guys an insider look into why coach retired. ESPN.com charges for this type of information.
Actually, brb one minute, I just got BBQ sauce on the keyboard.
Kay I’m back. Dang, the space bar is still a little sticky .
Anyway.
When I initially heard the news about coach retiring, I was just as shocked as you guys. I called up Marion (Barber [III]) to ask him if he had heard the news, but for some reason his number was blocked. Funny, I don’t remember blocking his phone number… Then I called T.O. and Terry and their numbers had been disconnected or blocked or something, too. Julius, Patrick, Aaron, even Martin… none of their numbers worked anymore. Must have been a local blackout or something. I called Homo up just to make sure the problem wasn’t on my end. Finally, it rang. When he picked up I just made a fart noise then hung up. I still got it!
With nobody to brainstorm with, it finally dawned on me. I knew exactly why coach was calling it quits.
You see, I saw this movie last week called, “The Producers.” (I allow my wife to choose one movie a year for us to see together.) Anyway, in the movie, these two broadway directors try to find the worst actors to play in the worst musical and hope for a flop so they can pocket the investment money. To their surprise the show actually does well, and they are disappointed. There’s a bunch of gay singing (the only songs I like are Hamburger jingles) which didn’t make too much sense because I thought it was supposed to be a documentary, but the plot is the interesting part here. I just figured out that this movie was written about Bill Parcells and Tony Romo. You see, Homo was never supposed to do this well!
Coach only wins games with great quarterbacks at the helm — everybody know’s that. Phil Simms, Me, Vinny Testeverde, Me again… But, you see, he couldn’t quit if the Cowboys were doing great. That wouldn’t make sense. He needed an out. He needed a fall guy. He needed a reason.
He needed Homo.
Against all common sense, he inserted Homo into the last ten weeks of the season hoping for a flop that he thought would never come. Luckily for coach, it finally did. Now coach gets to keep his millions of dollars and gets to retire early. (Hey, 65 is pretty early, I expect to retire from football in my mid-80’s)
In the press conference coach said, “I did the best I could, but it wasn’t quite good enough.” Yeah, did the best he could to derail the Cowboys playoff hopes so he could retire a week earlier.
Remember the ending to Usual Suspects? The one that doesn’t make sense until your 9 year old nephew explains it to you and then even then you don’t really get it, not because you’re stupid, but because you had to go to the concession stand a couple times throughout the movie because of some weird rule they have against selling hotdogs more than 4 at a time? Well this is just like that. Only I’m your nine year old nephew, explaining to you the real twist ending to this interesting drama.
Also, it was Kevin Spacey all along? Are you sure?
Anyway, those are my mandatory 500 words on the topic. Luckily for you guys I signed a multi-post deal so I’ll be back for the Pro-Bowl analysis of Homo’s performance — that is, if he has the audacity to even show up. That loser has no shame.
-Drew.
ps - You know that commercial where Matt Hasselbeck gets sacked by the Burger King Mascot and to apologize he received a Burger? Well I’m currently writing a letter to BK Headquarters requesting a Texas Double Whopper for everytime that I’ve been sacked during my career (1,102). Oh, and Burger King, when you say “Have it Your Way” why don’t you stand by that? The cashier laughed at me today when I told her to wrap my burgers in a hollow cube of thawing frozen patties. And when I fired her for laughing, she just ignored me! I’ll have side of respect, thank you.
Hey guys. Drew here. When the fellas at StraightCashHomey asked me to write a post about coach retiring, I initially told them “What’s wrong? Your little blog sucks and now you want me to come to the rescue? Well I have better things to do with my time than to make stupid jokes. Frankly, I don’t even understand half of them!”
However, then I told them I was open to bribes and four hours later, the postman had delivered six manila envelopes filled to the brim with ground beef. We were in business.
So for my first post, I’m here to give you guys an insider look into why coach retired. ESPN.com charges for this type of information.
Actually, brb one minute, I just got BBQ sauce on the keyboard.
Kay I’m back. Dang, the space bar is still a little sticky .
Anyway.
When I initially heard the news about coach retiring, I was just as shocked as you guys. I called up Marion (Barber [III]) to ask him if he had heard the news, but for some reason his number was blocked. Funny, I don’t remember blocking his phone number… Then I called T.O. and Terry and their numbers had been disconnected or blocked or something, too. Julius, Patrick, Aaron, even Martin… none of their numbers worked anymore. Must have been a local blackout or something. I called Homo up just to make sure the problem wasn’t on my end. Finally, it rang. When he picked up I just made a fart noise then hung up. I still got it!
With nobody to brainstorm with, it finally dawned on me. I knew exactly why coach was calling it quits.
You see, I saw this movie last week called, “The Producers.” (I allow my wife to choose one movie a year for us to see together.) Anyway, in the movie, these two broadway directors try to find the worst actors to play in the worst musical and hope for a flop so they can pocket the investment money. To their surprise the show actually does well, and they are disappointed. There’s a bunch of gay singing (the only songs I like are Hamburger jingles) which didn’t make too much sense because I thought it was supposed to be a documentary, but the plot is the interesting part here. I just figured out that this movie was written about Bill Parcells and Tony Romo. You see, Homo was never supposed to do this well!
Coach only wins games with great quarterbacks at the helm — everybody know’s that. Phil Simms, Me, Vinny Testeverde, Me again… But, you see, he couldn’t quit if the Cowboys were doing great. That wouldn’t make sense. He needed an out. He needed a fall guy. He needed a reason.
He needed Homo.
Against all common sense, he inserted Homo into the last ten weeks of the season hoping for a flop that he thought would never come. Luckily for coach, it finally did. Now coach gets to keep his millions of dollars and gets to retire early. (Hey, 65 is pretty early, I expect to retire from football in my mid-80’s)
In the press conference coach said, “I did the best I could, but it wasn’t quite good enough.” Yeah, did the best he could to derail the Cowboys playoff hopes so he could retire a week earlier.
Remember the ending to Usual Suspects? The one that doesn’t make sense until your 9 year old nephew explains it to you and then even then you don’t really get it, not because you’re stupid, but because you had to go to the concession stand a couple times throughout the movie because of some weird rule they have against selling hotdogs more than 4 at a time? Well this is just like that. Only I’m your nine year old nephew, explaining to you the real twist ending to this interesting drama.
Also, it was Kevin Spacey all along? Are you sure?
Anyway, those are my mandatory 500 words on the topic. Luckily for you guys I signed a multi-post deal so I’ll be back for the Pro-Bowl analysis of Homo’s performance — that is, if he has the audacity to even show up. That loser has no shame.
-Drew.
ps - You know that commercial where Matt Hasselbeck gets sacked by the Burger King Mascot and to apologize he received a Burger? Well I’m currently writing a letter to BK Headquarters requesting a Texas Double Whopper for everytime that I’ve been sacked during my career (1,102). Oh, and Burger King, when you say “Have it Your Way” why don’t you stand by that? The cashier laughed at me today when I told her to wrap my burgers in a hollow cube of thawing frozen patties. And when I fired her for laughing, she just ignored me! I’ll have side of respect, thank you.
