Know any good jokes?

[Kellsbells]

Need my mind taken off of yesterday’s loss. Know any good jokes? Or any other way to take my mind off it?

 

[JohnnyTheFox]

Confucius say, man who lose girlfriend's apartment key gets no new key

 

[JohnnyTheFox]

Confucious also say, man who make love on ground have peace on earth.

 

[DallasEast]

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
______

What do you call a dog that's been run over by a steamroller? "Spot!"
______

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

 

[big dog cowboy]

Dallas Cowboys run defense.



Too soon?

 

[Kellsbells]

Dallas Cowboys run defense.



Too soon?

Yeah, too soon. But not untrue.

 

[The Fonz]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

 

[The Fonz]

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

 

[The Fonz]

Q: Is Google male or female? A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

 

[Runwildboys]

A blonde was standing on a river bank, when she saw another blonde standing on the opposite bank.
She hollered to the woman, How do I get to the other side?"
The other blonde yelled back, "You're already on the other side!"

 

[VaqueroTD]

Dallas Cowboys run defense.

 

[SlammedZero]

Confucius say, man who lose girlfriend's apartment key gets no new key

Confucius say, man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

 

[Bigdog]

There were 100 men standing at the perily gate waiting to get in. God saw them and said all of those who were controlled by his wife stand to the right and those who weren’t to to the left, I have to do something and will be right back. When God came back he saw one man on the left and 99 on the right. God asked the man on the left how did you do it. His shrugged his shoulders and replied “ I don’t know but my wife told me when I get to the gate of heaven go to the left”.

 

[JohnnyTheFox]

A soldier and a sailor died at the same time, went to the pearly Gates. They were told at the gates if you are thinking any impure thoughts your wings are going to fall off and you will not be allowed entry. The soldiers wings fell off he bent over to pick them up then the sailor's wings fell off

 

[JohnnyTheFox]

"What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches." ~ Redd Foxx

 

[morasp]

He didn't know why the ball kept getting bigger and then it hit him.

________________________________________________________

I went to my carwash and there was a banner that said "Under new management". As I was standing there washing my car I thought, this is way better than the old management.

 

[Bigdog]

A man walks into a bar and ask the bartender if he wants to hear a dumb jock joke. The bartender glared at him and said you see that guy over there. He’s heavy weight wrestler and those two sitting down over there. They use to be linebackers for the Eagles. And that guy at the end of the bar is a retired heavyweight boxer and I letter in 3 sports at Notre Dame. Now are you sure you want to tell that dumb jock joke in this bar? The guy took a sip of his beer and said “Nah. I wouldn’t want to have to explain it five times.”

 

[KJJ]

A man who was admitted to a hospital to undergo a routine procedure was mixed up with a patient who was to undergo surgery for testicular cancer. The doctor informed him there had been a mistake and that he had some good news and some bad news for him. The guy asked, what’s the bad news? The doctor told him that he was mixed up with a patient who had testicular cancer and that both his testicles were removed. The guy said, what the hell is the good news? The doctor told him the good news is that he ran some tests on his testicles and they were completely healthy.

 

[catiii]

Need my mind taken off of yesterday’s loss. Know any good jokes? Or any other way to take my mind off it?

"You know when I was young and my thyroid worked, my husband loved on me 24 hours a day. Now I don't think he'd pull me out of a burning vehicle." -- Leanne Morgan She's hilarious

"I was kicked out of a bar in New York. I didn't know how many bouncers it was going to take to whip my butt, but I knew how many they were gonna use." - Ron White

 

[KJJ]

A reporter asked Roger Staubach if his 1977 team could beat the current Cowboys team. He said, "Yes, but the score would be close. Maybe 10-7. Reporter: "Why such a close score?" Roger: Well, most of us are in our 70's and 80's now."