Making a book
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SaltwaterServr
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kimorah86;3340107 said:
Best to put it here. There are several members who have been published and/or are working on both fiction and nonfiction pieces of literature who may be able to help you along with your sticking points.
CliffnDallas
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kimorah86;3338325 said:
Written...
SaltwaterServr
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theogt;3340974 said:
Just thinking to myself, this could be the baseline for the discussion of the complexities of communicating with alien life forms.
kimorah86
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First Page of my story and this is without spell check tell me what you think:
“What's wrong with you.” Sarah's mother Jill asked. Her daughter was laying on the floor, curled up in the ball. Her little body was shaking. Tears rolled down her face.
“He hurt me mama.” Sarah cried
“Who hurt you Sarah.” Jill said with a surprise look on her face.
Sarah continued to cry. Her body still curled up and shaking. Jill moved closer to Sarah. “Who hurt you baby.” Jill asked again, this time bending over to rub Sarah's back. But Sarah just continued to cry. Even harder than before.
Jill grab her daughter's hands and pulled her into a standing position, then pulled her towards her. Jill's sat on Sarah's bed, her back facing the bedroom door. Sarah hugged her mother and put her head on Jill's shoulder. Jill caress her daughter's back.
“Tell me what happen Sarah. Tell me who hurt you.” Jill pleaded
“He hurt me mama. He touched me. I was scared. I called for you but you didn't answers.” Sarah cried
“Who touched you.” Jill asked. Her voice cracked and she started to cry. “Who hurt you. Please tell me honey. Who hurt you.”
Sarah her head up but left her chin on her mothers shoulder. “I can't tell you he will hurt me. He will hurt us.” She cried
“No he won't you can tell me. I will protect you. He will never hurt you again.” She said pulling Sarah away from her, so she can see her face. Jill looked Sarah in the eyes and repeated “I will protect you. Just tell me who hurt you.”
Sarah put her head back on her mother's shoulder. “It was...”
Just as Sarah was about to say a name her step-dad, Leroy, appeared in the door.
“Hey baby.” Leroy said “I thought I heard you talking in here. What's going on?”
“Someone hurt our baby. I came in here and she was curled up in a ball on the floor crying.” She said turning toward Leroy.
“Did she tell you who it was.” He asked walking into the room, stopping a few steps short of them.
“No. She was about to tell me when you walked in. Who was it honey? Who hurt you.”
“It was...” Sarah started to stutter. She looked at Leroy. He raised his two hands as if telling her he would choke her to death. Jill was still looking at her daughter. “It was...” Sarah begin to cry again. “I can't tell you. He'll kill me. Please don't make me tell. I don't want to die.”
“It's okay honey. It's okay.”
“Yeah, its okay Sarah. Everything is going to be okay.” Leroy said in a serious voice. But he had a slight smile on his face.
“I'll be right back. I'm going to run you a hot bath then I have to ask you some questions.” Jill explained to Sarah.
“I told you I can't tell you his name he will...” Sarah started to plead but was cut off by Leroy.
“We won't ask you who did it. Okay.” Leroy said sounding very concerned.
“Just lay down baby I will go start your bath.” Jill said kissing her daughter on the forehead. Jill stood up and walked to the room door and stopped. “Leroy.” she said turning around to him. “Will you stay here with Sarah so she won't be scared.”
“Of course honey.” he said putting his hands around her waist and kissing her passionately.
“It's okay mama I won't be scared to be by myself.” Sarah replied quickly “As long as I know you are in the house, I'll be fine. I promise.”
“I'll stay here with you. Don't worry. I' won't let anything happen to you.” Leroy said turning towards
“What's wrong with you.” Sarah's mother Jill asked. Her daughter was laying on the floor, curled up in the ball. Her little body was shaking. Tears rolled down her face.
“He hurt me mama.” Sarah cried
“Who hurt you Sarah.” Jill said with a surprise look on her face.
Sarah continued to cry. Her body still curled up and shaking. Jill moved closer to Sarah. “Who hurt you baby.” Jill asked again, this time bending over to rub Sarah's back. But Sarah just continued to cry. Even harder than before.
Jill grab her daughter's hands and pulled her into a standing position, then pulled her towards her. Jill's sat on Sarah's bed, her back facing the bedroom door. Sarah hugged her mother and put her head on Jill's shoulder. Jill caress her daughter's back.
“Tell me what happen Sarah. Tell me who hurt you.” Jill pleaded
“He hurt me mama. He touched me. I was scared. I called for you but you didn't answers.” Sarah cried
“Who touched you.” Jill asked. Her voice cracked and she started to cry. “Who hurt you. Please tell me honey. Who hurt you.”
Sarah her head up but left her chin on her mothers shoulder. “I can't tell you he will hurt me. He will hurt us.” She cried
“No he won't you can tell me. I will protect you. He will never hurt you again.” She said pulling Sarah away from her, so she can see her face. Jill looked Sarah in the eyes and repeated “I will protect you. Just tell me who hurt you.”
Sarah put her head back on her mother's shoulder. “It was...”
Just as Sarah was about to say a name her step-dad, Leroy, appeared in the door.
“Hey baby.” Leroy said “I thought I heard you talking in here. What's going on?”
“Someone hurt our baby. I came in here and she was curled up in a ball on the floor crying.” She said turning toward Leroy.
“Did she tell you who it was.” He asked walking into the room, stopping a few steps short of them.
“No. She was about to tell me when you walked in. Who was it honey? Who hurt you.”
“It was...” Sarah started to stutter. She looked at Leroy. He raised his two hands as if telling her he would choke her to death. Jill was still looking at her daughter. “It was...” Sarah begin to cry again. “I can't tell you. He'll kill me. Please don't make me tell. I don't want to die.”
“It's okay honey. It's okay.”
“Yeah, its okay Sarah. Everything is going to be okay.” Leroy said in a serious voice. But he had a slight smile on his face.
“I'll be right back. I'm going to run you a hot bath then I have to ask you some questions.” Jill explained to Sarah.
“I told you I can't tell you his name he will...” Sarah started to plead but was cut off by Leroy.
“We won't ask you who did it. Okay.” Leroy said sounding very concerned.
“Just lay down baby I will go start your bath.” Jill said kissing her daughter on the forehead. Jill stood up and walked to the room door and stopped. “Leroy.” she said turning around to him. “Will you stay here with Sarah so she won't be scared.”
“Of course honey.” he said putting his hands around her waist and kissing her passionately.
“It's okay mama I won't be scared to be by myself.” Sarah replied quickly “As long as I know you are in the house, I'll be fine. I promise.”
“I'll stay here with you. Don't worry. I' won't let anything happen to you.” Leroy said turning towards
DallasCowpoke
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kimorah86;3343846 said:
I'm thinking, you could of left this part out.
DallasCowpoke
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kimorah86;3343869 said:
See also: pg 1, post 3
ScipioCowboy
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Some of your descriptions might be overly mechanical. I understand your desire to paint a complete picture and set a mood through the actions of the characters; however, at times, your descriptions are so nuanced that we lose the tone. (I, too, fall into this trap.)
Also, you might consider delving into the subjective and unspoken experiences of your characters rather than expecting the dialogue to carry it all.
For the most part, from a purely mechanical standpoint, your writing is fine--in my opinion.
Also, you might consider delving into the subjective and unspoken experiences of your characters rather than expecting the dialogue to carry it all.
For the most part, from a purely mechanical standpoint, your writing is fine--in my opinion.
ScipioCowboy
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kimorah86;3344002 said:
I've written a few short stories and a novel, and I'm working on a second novel. But, truthfully, I find it difficult to say "I write" with a straight face when I've never had anything published.
Remember me if you ever get famous!
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