Should he or shouldn't he?

[DallasEast]

If he thinks that he can be her friend, he should forget the one-sided romance. If does not think so, he should stop pretending to be her friend. Unrequited feelings and the workplace are a dangerous combination... and sometimes not just for the 'couple' themselves.

 

[Rack]

I got a question for all of you. My friend, Mark, had a dating issue come up and I haven't been single for over a decade (though I hope to be here soon - divorce takes too long), so I don't know anything about this stuff anymore.

Anyways, he has become close friends with one of his co-workers and he spends all his breaks and lunches with her, hangs out after work and all that and he decided he liked her and about a month and a half ago he told her he liked her and asked her out. All she said at the time was that she didn't know what to say. There interactions after that remained pretty much unchanged like nothing was said, and the topic wasn't brought up.

After about a week he asked her about it again and she told him she wasn't good at talking about it and that she was kind of still in a state of shock and processing it. He told her that was fine and to take her time. After that, their interactions again were pretty much unchanged.

Now Mark is a pretty generous guy, especially with people he cares for and he was always doing nice things for this woman. He said that he started noticing times where it felt as if she was pulling a way some, but then other times where she'd chase after him a little, like if he didn't make it down to see her on his break she'd call him up and ask him where he was, or if he had a day off she'd call him at home while she was at work. Anyways, after awhile (about a month) he started to get the feeling she wasn't being straight with him and might be taking advantage of him being so nice to her and he asked her about it.

This was about a month after he had first told her he liked her. She finally told him she just wanted to be friends and said she didn't expect anything from him and was sorry if he felt like she had taken advantage of him. She said she didn't say anything at first because she didn't want things to get awkward.

Now he's pretty upset about it and not sure how to act. He is mad at her because he doesn't think she was very fair to him and feels like she didn't have enough respect for him or their friendship to just be honest with him from the start. He doesn't want to lose her as a friend but doesn't know if he can trust her to be straight with him now.

I understand what he's saying, especially since he asked her about it a second time and she still avoided it, and she allowed him to continue to do things for her without making things clear to him. I also understand that she may have been uncomfortable and having fear of things becoming awkward between the two of them and the desire to prevent that from happening. Having said that, I do think it's difficult to make an effort to "remain friends" by not really acting as a friend should by being forthright. I'm a firm believer in being truthful, even if it causes things to be uncomfortable. I'm also a firm believer in forgiveness too.

Anyway his dilema is whether or not he should try to salvage his friendship with her and just try to move past this or if he should just forget her and move on.

I know this isn't the best place for getting him some advice, but any thoughts?

Is Mark your real name?

An nevermind... tell "you friend" she doesn't have those kind of feelings for him and to look elsewhere.

 

[Idgit]

Pretty much classic friend-zone stuff.

Your buddy might think he's miffed because she didn't treat him honestly, but he put her in a mildly awkward situation that she didn't handle particularly well. The reality is, he's probably hurt that she didn't return the affection immediately. Either way, this is something he can and should forgive from another person he likes and wants to be friends with. It's a minor mishandling that wouldn't even need to be addressed if feelings weren't involved.

I'd forgive the girl, not change my habits with her if I really liked her, and I'd keep offering opportunities to hang out that could lead to a deepening of the relationship. I wouldn't mention my feelings again, because he's made it clear that he's interested. If there's a right time, I'd go for it, and respect her feelings if I got rebuffed. If the issue comes up again, make it clear that I both like her as a friend and am interested in dating her if the relationship evolves, I'm going to for it. If that's uncomfortable and she'd rather not hang out socially at all as a result, I'd be bummed, but I'd understand.

At the same time, I'd keep my options wide open. If there's another woman who's at all cool in the same environment, I'd make overtures there, too. From my experience, people want what they can't get, and the threat of losing affection to another woman is a powerful aphrodisiac. To go this route, though, there's an important balancing act in being fair to both women.

Either way, the guy needs to nut-up, stop letting his feeling get hurt, demonstrate to the girls that he's desirable on his own merits, and go out to find someone who can make him happy.

 

[CanadianCowboysFan]

Doesn't seem like the best way into a woman's heart, .. but what do I know. :laugh2:

as odd as it sounds, women tend to like guys who ignore them, treat them like crap etc

 

[WV Cowboy]

as odd as it sounds, women tend to like guys who ignore them, treat them like crap etc

OK, that's not the type that appeals to me, but OK.

I like a girl that has enough self-confidence to expect to be treated respectfully.

I will always treat the woman I choose respectfully, so it works for me.

A girl that accepts "being ignored and treated like crap" would not hold my interest for long.

 

[CashMan]

OK, that's not the type that appeals to me, but OK.

I like a girl that has enough self-confidence to expect to be treated respectfully.

I will always treat the woman I choose respectfully, so it works for me.

A girl that accepts "being ignored and treated like crap" would not hold my interest for long.

I agree, but society has changed sooo much now. With internet dating being big now. IMO, unless a man and a woman have something in common like a favorite sports team or playing pool or something like that, men and women can not just be friends. I am not saying this works out for everyone, just the majority.

 

[CanadianCowboysFan]

I agree, but society has changed sooo much now. With internet dating being big now. IMO, unless a man and a woman have something in common like a favorite sports team or playing pool or something like that, men and women can not just be friends. I am not saying this works out for everyone, just the majority.

hell usually you have "had sex" before you actually meet, through sexting etc

as Billy Crystal said, even with ugly women, you pretty much want to ,,,,

 

[WV Cowboy]

I agree, but society has changed sooo much now. With internet dating being big now. IMO, unless a man and a woman have something in common like a favorite sports team or playing pool or something like that, men and women can not just be friends. I am not saying this works out for everyone, just the majority.

For the most part, I think it has always been that way. If most guys are honest, they are physically attracted to women first.

When a guy sees a girl for the first time, .. if he says to himself, "OH, wow, look at her, who is that?"

His next thought is not, "I hope we can be friends."

 

[Hostile]

If she just wants him as a friend ( which I think is fine) then she won't be at all upset if he goes out with someone else. In fact, a friend would support him 100% unless the date was a bad person.

A friend wouldn't mind talking about this subject.

Your friend is crazy to want to swim in the company pool though. If it doesn't work out it would be awkward forever.

 

[Doc50]

https://lh4.***BROKEN***/-_T0nFtyjfeg/T9Af52Umt3I/AAAAAAADcNs/KZ9QhWtVK7Y/s640/248622_234327489915745_197640626917765_1193479_1853017_n.jpg

The answer is always in mathematics.

 

[Denim Chicken]

as odd as it sounds, women tend to like guys who ignore them, treat them like crap etc

I keep trying this with my Wife, but I don't think she's liking me any better.

 

[YosemiteSam]

I keep trying this with my Wife, but I don't think she's liking me any better.

When I told my wife Diablo 3 was just released. She definitely didn't smile. :laugh2:

 

[Kristen82]

...he was always doing nice things for this woman...

Sorry, but sounds like he thinks she owes him something now. Last time I checked, just because you're nice to someone doesn't mean you're entitled to them becoming your gf. "I did all this for you, and you still don't like me?" This is how possessive control-freak guys think and that drives me crazy. You're either attracted to someone or you're not and it's based on who he is as a person, not on what he does for you. Only children think the latter.

And here's a thought: how about getting her side of the story? Pretty lame how you evaluate a situation based on massively biased one-sided info.

 

[CanadianCowboysFan]

Sorry, but sounds like he thinks she owes him something now. Last time I checked, just because you're nice to someone doesn't mean you're entitled to them becoming your gf. "I did all this for you, and you still don't like me?" This is how possessive control-freak guys think and that drives me crazy. You're either attracted to someone or you're not and it's based on who he is as a person, not on what he does for you. Only children think the latter.

And here's a thought: how about getting her side of the story? Pretty lame how you evaluate a situation based on massively biased one-sided info.

you are cute, wanna go out?

 

[Kevinicus]

Was she in a relationship with someone else at the time your friend asked her out?

Also, can't really answer the question without knowing what she looks like

No, she was, and still is, single. And she's attractive.

Is Mark your real name?

An nevermind... tell "you friend" she doesn't have those kind of feelings for him and to look elsewhere.

My name is Kevin...and I'm still married, not in the dating pool yet. Mark was the best man at my wedding, someone I grew up with.

Sorry, but sounds like he thinks she owes him something now. Last time I checked, just because you're nice to someone doesn't mean you're entitled to them becoming your gf. "I did all this for you, and you still don't like me?" This is how possessive control-freak guys think and that drives me crazy. You're either attracted to someone or you're not and it's based on who he is as a person, not on what he does for you. Only children think the latter.

And here's a thought: how about getting her side of the story? Pretty lame how you evaluate a situation based on massively biased one-sided info.

That's a big jump I think. The guy is a nice dude, and he does nice things for everyone and never expects things in return. He just did extra for her, often times at her request. But he says he never did anything out of any expectation, but just because he cared about her. The only thing he expected was for her to be forthright with him. Something he expects of all of his friends. He says he understands telling her may have put her in an uncomfortable position but feels someone who had any respect for him and their friendship would be honest and not be avoiding things regardless.

He's my friend, not her, so all I've got to go by is his account.

So far since this happened he's had limited contact with her. He had a couple conversations about the issue, one got a little heated, but not too bad, and the other was cordial and seemed to get them back on better footing. He doesn't hang out with her all the time anymore, but has gone down a couple of times for about 10 minutes the last couple of days. So I guess he's trying to just ease back into things and not be so involved this time around. I think he has a couple of other dates lined up soon too.

 

[Kevinicus]

When he revealed his feelings and she didn't respond, .. he should have figured it out.

Not her fault.

Don't listen to me though, I have been with the same girl since she was 16 and I was 17, 41 yrs ago, (married 37 yrs) ... so I don't know anything about the dating scene in today's world.

I would agree with that some, if they were in high school, but it's not something I'd expect out of grown adults (mature ones anyway). But like I said, I also don't know anything about the dating scene since I've been married awhile, though not quite as long as you.

 

[Tabascocat]

I keep trying this with my Wife, but I don't think she's liking me any better.

Aint that the truth!

In all seriousness though, sounds like this woman likes the attention and could be playing games with him. You said she is attractive, so that is probably it. When your friend crossed that "friends zone" line, I am not sure why she got upset or defensive or whatever, she should be used to that.

I would not cutoff all communication, but I would steer clear of her and not initiate anything. Just yes or no answers, keep it simple. This might intrigue her more and be the beginning of something, but I highly doubt it. Tell your friend not to act clingy, jealous or possessive and just play it cool. If she likes him, she will come.

 

[EGTuna]

Dude needs to stop hanging with this woman and move on. Like the above poster said, this woman likes attention, and your buddy saw this attention as a prelude to something romantic. If she was into him, she wouldn't have balked at his two "ask outs." if he wants to keep driving himself crazy, then he should continue hanging out with her. However, if he wants to be free of the frustration and leading himself on, he should stop giving this woman attention.

 

[Faerluna]

Pretty much classic friend-zone stuff.

Your buddy might think he's miffed because she didn't treat him honestly, but he put her in a mildly awkward situation that she didn't handle particularly well. The reality is, he's probably hurt that she didn't return the affection immediately. Either way, this is something he can and should forgive from another person he likes and wants to be friends with. It's a minor mishandling that wouldn't even need to be addressed if feelings weren't involved.

I'd forgive the girl, not change my habits with her if I really liked her, and I'd keep offering opportunities to hang out that could lead to a deepening of the relationship. I wouldn't mention my feelings again, because he's made it clear that he's interested. If there's a right time, I'd go for it, and respect her feelings if I got rebuffed. If the issue comes up again, make it clear that I both like her as a friend and am interested in dating her if the relationship evolves, I'm going to for it. If that's uncomfortable and she'd rather not hang out socially at all as a result, I'd be bummed, but I'd understand.

At the same time, I'd keep my options wide open. If there's another woman who's at all cool in the same environment, I'd make overtures there, too. From my experience, people want what they can't get, and the threat of losing affection to another woman is a powerful aphrodisiac. To go this route, though, there's an important balancing act in being fair to both women.

Either way, the guy needs to nut-up, stop letting his feeling get hurt, demonstrate to the girls that he's desirable on his own merits, and go out to find someone who can make him happy.

This is right on the money.

She probably didn't respond in kind because she likes him as a friend and didn't want to hurt his feelings and potentially change the dynamic of the friendship. Instead she waffles around and says nothing, hoping he will take the gentle hint.

 

[Wolfpack]

He should take her out as a wing woman and have her help him pick up some ladies. That will force her hand or get him some easy dates. Win win.