Oh my gosh, yall are hilarious!
I like the old football or bottle method. Just cut a big piece of paper out, bunch it all up around the gift, and twist it at the top, then put a bunch of tape at the bottom of the twist. Apply a bow and a tag, and you're done. Boom! Merry Christmas present. LOL. Or the easiest way, really, which works great since our kids are older now, is just stuff money in an envelope and wrap that baby in an envelope. A little spit on the glue, and you're DONE! Wrapped like an Expert. And they always love it.
Older folks don't need their gifts wrapped. Just keep it in the bag you bought it in, especially if it's from an expensive store. Just be sure to pull the On Sale tag off.
But for younger gift recipients, just say it's from Santa. You aint gotta wrap that **. No way.