I Think I Finally Have a Handle on How a GM Needs To Function

[Hostile]

I know the thread was tongue in cheek, but I think Jerry has done a great job as GM recently. Ever since we got Parcells he has finally turned it around.

Yeah, but you can bet your shorts it offended a couple of people.

 

[zrinkill]

Or that other people know the game other than you

Who are you speaking of?

 

[MarionBarberThe4th]

We know the handful of guys who flat out arent Cowboys fans. MonsterHeel being one. These peoples human interaction is getting a rise out of us, why dedicate so much attention to this small group?

99% would rather be gearing up for NO then the same old trade RW/MB3 stuff. And the Jerry bashing/defending.

 

[Hostile]

We know the handful of guys who flat out arent Cowboys fans. MonsterHeel being one. These peoples human interaction is getting a rise out of us, why dedicate so much attention to this small group?

99% would rather be gearing up for NO then the same old trade RW/MB3 stuff. And the Jerry bashing/defending.

99%?

Amigo, oh how I wish that was true. You have no idea the kind of hope that would give me.

 

[MarionBarberThe4th]

99%?

Amigo, oh how I wish that was true. You have no idea the kind of hope that would give me.

When these Romo bashing threads get started, theres little support. These are the ones I laugh at, not the clearly under 14 year old or foreign poster w/ misguided roster thoughts.

 

[Hostile]

When these Romo bashing threads get started, theres little support. These are the ones I laugh at, not the clearly under 14 year old or foreign poster w/ misguided roster thoughts.

I laugh at a lot of stuff.

Right now it is the asinine ideas that a GM is some kind of magic elixir if he is a pure football man. Whatever that is. I honestly think 90% of the people have no idea what a GM does.

 

[DallasEast]

Oh yeah, he would immediately buy up all the billboard space around the stadium and practice fields so none of the fans could tilt at windmills.

I'm on this. Every stupid angle covered.

http://i356.***BLOCKED***/albums/oo4/DallasEast1701/YOUCANTTOUCHTHIS_BILLBOARD.png​

 

[Cowboy Brian]

http://cowboyszone.com/forums/showthread.php?t=176469
was and is the best way to handle it.

 

[tomson75]

http://i356.***BLOCKED***/albums/oo4/DallasEast1701/YOUCANTTOUCHTHIS_BILLBOARD.png​

:laugh2:

 

[Hostile]

http://i356.***BLOCKED***/albums/oo4/DallasEast1701/YOUCANTTOUCHTHIS_BILLBOARD.png​

Oh great. Now because of you I see Jerry in MC Hammer pants and that song in my dome.



I hope you're happy mister.

 

[Bach]

I laugh at some people's never-ending attempts at trying to defend one of the worst GM's in the league, one who is ONLY one because he is self-appointed.

 

[birdwells1]

First of all, he should have an Office with a full shower so he can simply be at this Office 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days out of the year. Some of the best football business is handled at 2 in the morning. I would suggest a bed, but then that would mean he is a lazy good for nothing who sleeps on the job.

I know you're thinking that showering means he is not thinking football while he does it, but we cannot afford for the guy to have body odor. He will after all be in complex contract negotiations with agents who presumably still have a sense of smell. Besides, I am going to have TVs installed in the bathroom that cannot be turned off and the NFL Network will always be on so he knows who might be released. Trust me, I am on top of this. He will be 100% focused on football.

He should do nothing to make the team interesting to the media because this embarrasses the fans. You can't have embarrassed fans and win. Can't be done. Non embarrassed fans will relieve some excess pressure from the players.

It would be best if his wife was young, pretty, and a nurse who could make sure he never gets sick. She has to be young and pretty so that he has something in his life to relax him. I wish celibacy on no man.

He should have a vasectomy so that he cannot knock her up. Family is a major distraction. How can he focus on the Senior Bowl or the Combines if his son or daughter has a school play? In fact no go on all family. They all need to have banned him from their lives except the nurse wife. His family is the Football team and they are his chess pieces.

You get a pure football man like this and have him hire the 10 to 12 best football minds in the world as his coaching staff. 9 to 11 of them will gladly take a backseat to the best guy who can't wait to be the Head Coach here. Oh yeah, and all of them will come at bargain basement prices because of who we are. It is a damned privilege to come to work for this squad and they damn well better not have any notions of their own careers. Every single one of them should be the absolute best Head Coaching candidates in the NFL but have no desire to work for any other team or GM. As a safety precaution all of them should be minorities so the Rooney Rule is strictly adhered to should the Head Coach need to be replaced. I mean he could die or the game pass him by. Have to have a contingency plan in place. Think ahead always.

Next, he has to be the only GM in the world who never misses on a Draft pick. Every player drafted by this man need to be Eagle Scouts with all world talent who want to play for him so bad that that they give the team screaming deals. The question is will he ever really need a scouting staff? I say yes, but he shouldn't listen to them. He is the alpha male GM and they are chattel. They make mistakes, he catches every single one of them and prevents tragedy by saving the day with the right choice each time.

You may think a big flaw in my plan occurs in late January to early February. In this time if his team is on their way to winning the Super Bowl, as they should be, how in the world will he be able to do his job as a GM for a Super Bowl contender and be focused on the Senior Bowl and Combines too?

Well, you would be wrong if you think that. I have it all figured out. I saw the movie Multiplicity with Michael Keaton and he simply had himself cloned and sent the best worker clone to work. So :tongue: to all of you who think I didn't already foresee how to fix that problem of divided interests. I am on this like stink on crap.

This GM will have to stay in his box which is attached to his Office and he will eschew cameras at all costs. He will never have boogers because his wife will have him 100% healthy all the time. Or he could install one way glass so he can pick his nose in private and maybe scratch where it itches. I know, I know, a man like this would never itch down there. Forget the fact those things are going to itch, his won't. Just stop what you are thinking and accept the fact his won't itch.

Work with me people.

He has to increase team revenue without ever stepping away from football. No other events to increase visibility or exposure but needed income. The pretty young wife could help this by either having a pay for view webcam where she does self porn exhibitions or perhaps she can secretly run a drug cartel and funnel money back into the football team. Thus proving her true monogamy to the GM and devotion to his success at the same time.

The GM will have no interests outside of football. As a way of simplifying things he will have a catheter that his wife changes so he does not need to interrupt his day to pee. He will do this catheter despite healthy kidneys and bladder because he is devoted to the team.

I feel a sense of relief in discovering how we can never lose again by finding the best possible pure football GM. Go ahead, try to find flaws. I will have solutions.

Hostile I get the sarcasm but these two bolded points are not IMHO part of the GM's job. The GM should only be concerned with W's and L's. Style points or team popularity should not be a concern of he GM.

 

[Chocolate Lab]

http://i356.***BLOCKED***/albums/oo4/DallasEast1701/YOUCANTTOUCHTHIS_BILLBOARD.png​

 

[Meat-O-Rama]

Will he have a laptop? Or a chip implanted directly in his brain so he can scan all the threads here for the "The GM of the Cowboys needs to sign this guy RIGHT NOW!!!!11!!!" in real time?

 

[BubbleScreen]

This is lame, Hos. Anyone can write endlessly about how they want the perfect GM to behave, but gosh darn it to heck, we know the real reason the season was lost: Cletis Gordon just didn't care enough.

Please outline the behavior model for a practice squad cornerback who probably won't be on the active roster. At least, after you do the head coach, offensive coordinator, and starting quarterback...

 

[JBond]

I laugh at a lot of stuff.

Right now it is the asinine ideas that a GM is some kind of magic elixir if he is a pure football man. Whatever that is. I honestly think 90% of the people have no idea what a GM does.

I can speak about the old GM in KC. For 20 years he ran both the football side and all events that involved the stadium.

Hmmmm...maybe that is an argument in favor of Jerry getting a GM. I thought I had a point to support your position. Oh well. I tried because I believe Jerry can do both successfully.

 

[Hostile]

This is lame, Hos. Anyone can write endlessly about how they want the perfect GM to behave, but gosh darn it to heck, we know the real reason the season was lost: Cletis Gordon just didn't care enough.

Please outline the behavior model for a practice squad cornerback who probably won't be on the active roster. At least, after you do the head coach, offensive coordinator, and starting quarterback...

You're right. I need to repent of my evil ways.

 

[Biggems]

First of all, he should have an Office with a full shower so he can simply be at this Office 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days out of the year. Some of the best football business is handled at 2 in the morning. I would suggest a bed, but then that would mean he is a lazy good for nothing who sleeps on the job.

I know you're thinking that showering means he is not thinking football while he does it, but we cannot afford for the guy to have body odor. He will after all be in complex contract negotiations with agents who presumably still have a sense of smell. Besides, I am going to have TVs installed in the bathroom that cannot be turned off and the NFL Network will always be on so he knows who might be released. Trust me, I am on top of this. He will be 100% focused on football.

He should do nothing to make the team interesting to the media because this embarrasses the fans. You can't have embarrassed fans and win. Can't be done. Non embarrassed fans will relieve some excess pressure from the players.

It would be best if his wife was young, pretty, and a nurse who could make sure he never gets sick. She has to be young and pretty so that he has something in his life to relax him. I wish celibacy on no man.

He should have a vasectomy so that he cannot knock her up. Family is a major distraction. How can he focus on the Senior Bowl or the Combines if his son or daughter has a school play? In fact no go on all family. They all need to have banned him from their lives except the nurse wife. His family is the Football team and they are his chess pieces.

You get a pure football man like this and have him hire the 10 to 12 best football minds in the world as his coaching staff. 9 to 11 of them will gladly take a backseat to the best guy who can't wait to be the Head Coach here. Oh yeah, and all of them will come at bargain basement prices because of who we are. It is a damned privilege to come to work for this squad and they damn well better not have any notions of their own careers. Every single one of them should be the absolute best Head Coaching candidates in the NFL but have no desire to work for any other team or GM. As a safety precaution all of them should be minorities so the Rooney Rule is strictly adhered to should the Head Coach need to be replaced. I mean he could die or the game pass him by. Have to have a contingency plan in place. Think ahead always.

Next, he has to be the only GM in the world who never misses on a Draft pick. Every player drafted by this man need to be Eagle Scouts with all world talent who want to play for him so bad that that they give the team screaming deals. The question is will he ever really need a scouting staff? I say yes, but he shouldn't listen to them. He is the alpha male GM and they are chattel. They make mistakes, he catches every single one of them and prevents tragedy by saving the day with the right choice each time.

You may think a big flaw in my plan occurs in late January to early February. In this time if his team is on their way to winning the Super Bowl, as they should be, how in the world will he be able to do his job as a GM for a Super Bowl contender and be focused on the Senior Bowl and Combines too?

Well, you would be wrong if you think that. I have it all figured out. I saw the movie Multiplicity with Michael Keaton and he simply had himself cloned and sent the best worker clone to work. So :tongue: to all of you who think I didn't already foresee how to fix that problem of divided interests. I am on this like stink on crap.

This GM will have to stay in his box which is attached to his Office and he will eschew cameras at all costs. He will never have boogers because his wife will have him 100% healthy all the time. Or he could install one way glass so he can pick his nose in private and maybe scratch where it itches. I know, I know, a man like this would never itch down there. Forget the fact those things are going to itch, his won't. Just stop what you are thinking and accept the fact his won't itch.

Work with me people.

He has to increase team revenue without ever stepping away from football. No other events to increase visibility or exposure but needed income. The pretty young wife could help this by either having a pay for view webcam where she does self porn exhibitions or perhaps she can secretly run a drug cartel and funnel money back into the football team. Thus proving her true monogamy to the GM and devotion to his success at the same time.

The GM will have no interests outside of football. As a way of simplifying things he will have a catheter that his wife changes so he does not need to interrupt his day to pee. He will do this catheter despite healthy kidneys and bladder because he is devoted to the team.

I feel a sense of relief in discovering how we can never lose again by finding the best possible pure football GM. Go ahead, try to find flaws. I will have solutions.

this is flippin hilarious.........though you forgot to add the personal wiper, unless his hottie nurse wife will do that too. i mean a man's throne is his personal think tank, but you cant have him pausing to wipe, it could cause loss of perspective or great ideas. instead, he merely sits upon his throw, with a tape recorder and laptop as to be able to continually brainstorm and catalog his ideas.

 

[rcaldw]

First of all, he should have an Office with a full shower so he can simply be at this Office 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days out of the year. Some of the best football business is handled at 2 in the morning. I would suggest a bed, but then that would mean he is a lazy good for nothing who sleeps on the job.

I know you're thinking that showering means he is not thinking football while he does it, but we cannot afford for the guy to have body odor. He will after all be in complex contract negotiations with agents who presumably still have a sense of smell. Besides, I am going to have TVs installed in the bathroom that cannot be turned off and the NFL Network will always be on so he knows who might be released. Trust me, I am on top of this. He will be 100% focused on football.

He should do nothing to make the team interesting to the media because this embarrasses the fans. You can't have embarrassed fans and win. Can't be done. Non embarrassed fans will relieve some excess pressure from the players.

It would be best if his wife was young, pretty, and a nurse who could make sure he never gets sick. She has to be young and pretty so that he has something in his life to relax him. I wish celibacy on no man.

He should have a vasectomy so that he cannot knock her up. Family is a major distraction. How can he focus on the Senior Bowl or the Combines if his son or daughter has a school play? In fact no go on all family. They all need to have banned him from their lives except the nurse wife. His family is the Football team and they are his chess pieces.

You get a pure football man like this and have him hire the 10 to 12 best football minds in the world as his coaching staff. 9 to 11 of them will gladly take a backseat to the best guy who can't wait to be the Head Coach here. Oh yeah, and all of them will come at bargain basement prices because of who we are. It is a damned privilege to come to work for this squad and they damn well better not have any notions of their own careers. Every single one of them should be the absolute best Head Coaching candidates in the NFL but have no desire to work for any other team or GM. As a safety precaution all of them should be minorities so the Rooney Rule is strictly adhered to should the Head Coach need to be replaced. I mean he could die or the game pass him by. Have to have a contingency plan in place. Think ahead always.

Next, he has to be the only GM in the world who never misses on a Draft pick. Every player drafted by this man need to be Eagle Scouts with all world talent who want to play for him so bad that that they give the team screaming deals. The question is will he ever really need a scouting staff? I say yes, but he shouldn't listen to them. He is the alpha male GM and they are chattel. They make mistakes, he catches every single one of them and prevents tragedy by saving the day with the right choice each time.

You may think a big flaw in my plan occurs in late January to early February. In this time if his team is on their way to winning the Super Bowl, as they should be, how in the world will he be able to do his job as a GM for a Super Bowl contender and be focused on the Senior Bowl and Combines too?

Well, you would be wrong if you think that. I have it all figured out. I saw the movie Multiplicity with Michael Keaton and he simply had himself cloned and sent the best worker clone to work. So :tongue: to all of you who think I didn't already foresee how to fix that problem of divided interests. I am on this like stink on crap.

This GM will have to stay in his box which is attached to his Office and he will eschew cameras at all costs. He will never have boogers because his wife will have him 100% healthy all the time. Or he could install one way glass so he can pick his nose in private and maybe scratch where it itches. I know, I know, a man like this would never itch down there. Forget the fact those things are going to itch, his won't. Just stop what you are thinking and accept the fact his won't itch.

Work with me people.

He has to increase team revenue without ever stepping away from football. No other events to increase visibility or exposure but needed income. The pretty young wife could help this by either having a pay for view webcam where she does self porn exhibitions or perhaps she can secretly run a drug cartel and funnel money back into the football team. Thus proving her true monogamy to the GM and devotion to his success at the same time.

The GM will have no interests outside of football. As a way of simplifying things he will have a catheter that his wife changes so he does not need to interrupt his day to pee. He will do this catheter despite healthy kidneys and bladder because he is devoted to the team.

I feel a sense of relief in discovering how we can never lose again by finding the best possible pure football GM. Go ahead, try to find flaws. I will have solutions.

I'm not a fan of our current GM, but this is excellent Hos. And I do think that Jerry has done a very good job on talent since Parcells. I hope he is making the right decision on the HC.

 

[Eskimo]

I know the thread was tongue in cheek, but I think Jerry has done a great job as GM recently. Ever since we got Parcells he has finally turned it around.

He was mostly doing well until the disastrous 2007 offseason to end of 2008 season:

Horrific contracts to:
Hamlin
Barber
TO

Questionable contracts (in length and value) to:
Flo
TNew

The signing of Pacman Jones

The RW11 trade

The only saving grace during this stretch was the draft where we managed to draft Jenkins, Felix, Bennett, Scandrick, Choice - that was some good drafting.

There were many bad decisions during this stretch. I think the return to glory was almost too quick and removed the man from his good senses leading to multiple errors in judgment.

His 2008 offseason was much better. The draft gets a mulligan because of the absence of the 1st and 3rd round pick and most of the key players were on IR or had significant injuries that limited their playing time.

We'll see if he manages to get us another good draft and a couple of UDFA gems. I also hope we don't give out anymore bad contracts and maybe even manage to find a FA OL who can help shore up the OL.