My good friend's ex, what is your verdict?

[Runwildboys]

Talked with him at length last night. He has an opinion now that I find disturbing, not because he's bad, but because I wonder if it's true. He says that women are incapable of loving men, and that they simply latch onto someone who has money, but as soon as he doesn't have money anymore -- or as soon as she makes more than him, she has instincts that kick in and destroy whatever feelings she may have had for him. In short, he now claims that any woman on Earth would dump you based on economics alone. You MUST provide for her, and earn more than her, or all desire to be with you is destroyed.

That theory sounds really harsh to me, and maybe it's just his bitterness talking, but crap, what if that's really true? If that turns out to be true, I'm placing my order for a silicone sex doll.

That is true, with some women, but probably not the majority. He's just hurt and lashing out.

 

[Runwildboys]

There are women like that. And men also, for that matter. Next time, he should watch for the signs much more closely. They are always there, you just have to pay attention.

But the problem is that when you're falling for someone, you don't want to look for the signs. In fact, if you do look for them, you're accused of being mistrustful.

 

[CouchCoach]

The man in me says "fry her" but the person in me knows of three separate situations where the reverse happened, two wives put their husbands through med school and one through law school only to be divorced when they finally made it. We might say these men used their wives but two of them have circumstances that say different. One used the fact she had helped him to the point it was suffocating to him and her favorite line was "you owe me" over and over. He agreed to pay her more than his lawyer thought he should.

Let's assume this truck driver isn't like Runny, well read and knowledgeable and continuing to grow and learn and your friend was just happy the way things were. She decided to do something about herself and while he was instrumental in that endeavor, nothing was ever guaranteed. Did your friend ever say he expected things to stay the same once she arrived at her dream? Did he not see where she was going? He still saw her as she was, down on her luck, and all she could see was what she could be. And then she arrived.

In every relationship, someone is bound to grow and change and since she went to law school and passed the bar, I can assume she's intelligent, down on her luck when they met or not. Inside, she was not that person at that time and began to realize she had more potential. Did he, inadvertently, send signals he preferred her when she was owing to him?

Rev, your friend is, naturally, feeling something is being done to him but in reality, it is her doing for herself to try and get happy. I don't know how much the truck driver occupation plays into it or is it more the view of the world.

Part of this is my ignorance because I do not know one truck driver and I had then pegged as one kind of cat and along comes Runny and blows that to hell. Now, I have to rethink what I didn't know. What other misconceptions do I have and more importantly, live by?

I do know one thing about relationships between men and women, there are two of them. The surface one that not only do others see but they see as well and often want others to see that and the one underneath that without communication between the two becomes the dominant one.

I can share one thing about my own relationship with my wife. It got to the point with my temper that she had become unhappy and unhappy with me. Here I am thinking 'hey, that's me, the guy you married, I've always been like this'. But she had changed and could no longer put up with it so I was faced with the decision to watch the absolute love of my life, and one that I often took for granted, do what she really didn't want to do or give her reason to think I could change. It took anger management, therapy but most importantly looking at her and imagining her not on my life. I had to change and I did. Wasn't perfect but I was also not impulsive or reactive because I was more aware of that.

I only bring that up because on the outside we looked like the perfect couple but beneath that lurked the real relationship and I got lucky, she cared enough to communicate to me how she felt so I was warned. Some do not get that, it just hits them one day.

 

[DallasEast]

He paid her way through Law School

Yes. According to the third-party account however:

He met a woman some years back who was down on her luck. She was working as a waitress. I don't know the exact amount of her pay, but it wasn't diddly squat. It was poverty wages. But he saw something in her and started seeing her. Then eventually, since he really liked her, he invited her to move in. Not long after, they got married. He told her she didn't have to ever go back to her crappy job. He would take care of her. She could be a housewife if she wanted to. Just keep the place clean and tidy, and cook meals for them. That was her job, and no outside job was needed.

--he did not go into the relationship with the intention of paying her way through law school. That unexpected extra financial obligation happened after-the-fact.

He went into the relationship thinking he would be financially assisting a housewife. He did not think (or ever consider) he would be paying for a law student's expenses AND seeing her exit their relationship.

I cannot emphasize this enough. This is the central problem with putting someone inside a mental box of personal expectations. People are people. People are not pets. People are not possessions. People change. People do what they want to do. There is nothing wrong with him being upset with her eventually taking advantage of him. He is completely justified in that way. She did him wrong whether intentionally or unintentionally. That is why he should seek compensation for his financial loss through a divorce.

His issue, which has always been an issue with many people since people have been on this Earth, is believing someone they like or love will stay exactly how they see them and/or how their significant other promises they will never change. That is insane and the reason why some people are often extremely blind-sided by events occurring outside their picture perfect picket fences. Human beings have never been or will never be robots.

It is essential for couples to marry for love with no strings. They should discover everything they can about the other person to make sure there are no strings or as few strings as possible. It is human nature to grow. And while there will always be this fallacy that people will sometimes grow apart from each other, people wanting something more than what someone can give them will always be a possibility. That's life.

The best relationship advice ever put into words is from a song by The Police, which ironically they created after their unintentional stalker song, Every Breath You Take. Dangerous idiots corrupted that song in a minute but they blessed their other song trying to counter the foolishness created by the previous one with this truly all-encompassing wisdom:

You can't control an independent heart (can't love what you can't keep)
Can't tear the one you love apart (can't love what you can't keep)
Forever conditioned to believe that we can't live
We can't live here and be happy with less
With so many riches, so many souls
Everything we see there, we want to possess

If you love somebody (love somebody)
If you love someone (love somebody)
If you love somebody (love somebody)
If you love someone (love someone)
Set them free

It was words created primarily to counter abuse but it is also insight in how two people should think about treating each other BEFORE they ever actually get together permanently. Blame can be thrown around to make ourselves feel better but relationships sometimes end. People should think long and hard about that before saying "I do." Or get themselves a pre-nup. You know. Whichever is easier.

 

[JackOfNoTrades]

not sure what state this occurred but in some, divorce law would require her to repay the law schools costs. etc. he covered for her.

 

[Reverend Conehead]

One spouse paying for the education of another spouse, only to have the educated spouse choose divorce after obtaining a degree is not that uncommon. It happens all the time. He will need a divorce lawyer anyway so it is a question he can ask his lawyer after the lawyer has all the details of their marriage. My point was and is if the lawyer says he thinks it would be a waste of time to pursue that money, then drop it. Forget the principle and emotions and move on. It sounds like she was a housewife for a few years before going to law school and then she worked as a lawyer for some time before asking for a divorce. I think that makes his argument that she used him for money a little weaker.

They had no kids so this divorce could be quick and painless if they avoid fighting over principles and retribution. But even a simple divorce can turn into an expensive "War of the Roses" if the two parties choose to let anger and resentment dictate their legal strategy.

I have to ask a sensitive question. Is there another man involved? Does he think maybe she hooked up with someone she was working with? My first divorce lawyer told me when clients come to his office there is almost always a 3rd person involved. I doesn't change anything in most states as far as the legal case, but if could both party's view of the divorce. Seeking punishment or retribution/retaliation is the mistake a lot of people make.

Yes, there's another man. She claims she met him after she had already left her husband, but I don't buy that. I think she knew him all along, but made up the story of meeting afterward to try to soften the blow or to look less bad.

 

[G2]

You have to always ask: Who would attract or be attracted to someone like that? And if the answer is you didn't know she/he was like that then that's on you. People move too fast and don't consider the consequences. .
Put it in your rear-view and keep trucking.

 

[Vtwin]

Talked with him at length last night. He has an opinion now that I find disturbing, not because he's bad, but because I wonder if it's true. He says that women are incapable of loving men, and that they simply latch onto someone who has money, but as soon as he doesn't have money anymore -- or as soon as she makes more than him, she has instincts that kick in and destroy whatever feelings she may have had for him. In short, he now claims that any woman on Earth would dump you based on economics alone. You MUST provide for her, and earn more than her, or all desire to be with you is destroyed.

That theory sounds really harsh to me, and maybe it's just his bitterness talking, but crap, what if that's really true? If that turns out to be true, I'm placing my order for a silicone sex doll.

There is a name for that.
Hypergamy.

 

[kskboys]

That's fair. There are men who do similar betrayals to their wives. I also saw a program about predatory men who find lonely women past their prime and defraud them out of their money. They'll be a good boyfriend for a while and establish trust, and then use that trust to wipe them out. They'll get some banking info, and then take as much money out as possible, the whole thing if they can, and then just bail. People like that are rotten.

For one thing, if someone is several points higher on the looks scale, be aware.

 

[kskboys]

But the problem is that when you're falling for someone, you don't want to look for the signs. In fact, if you do look for them, you're accused of being mistrustful.

When entering into a new relationship, mistrustful is good.

 

[G2]

A red flag is easily accepting the fact that you have to pick this person up right from the very start. It's not a lifelong friend, relative or a seasoned relationship. Keep in mind this is all super easy to type on a forum. Especially if you have feelings.
The older you get, the more obvious things become. IMO

 

[Reverend Conehead]

For one thing, if someone is several points higher on the looks scale, be aware.

I get PMs all the time on Facebook from gorgeous women ... or I should say from FB accounts with a hot woman photo ... and they say stupid crap like "We could be friends with benefits." PMs like that have more red flags than a People's Republic of China military parade.

 

[Reverend Conehead]

There is a name for that.
Hypergamy.

I have another name for it:
sick

If a woman wouldn't stick with a man when he lost all his money, she doesn't love him. She's just using him. My mom stuck with my dad when the business he was working for went bankrupt. She was working part-time as a real estate agent, so she immediately went full time and was the main bread winner for a while. Meanwhile, the company my dad was working for was rebuilding. It was one of those reoganization type of bankruptcies. Eventually, the company was back on its feet, and my dad was earning good money again.

Not every woman would do that, but any woman who loved her husband would. A woman who would bail because her husband hit misfortune is human garbage. The wedding vows are sacred promises, and they say you stick together "in good times and in bad times, in sickness and in health."

 

[Vtwin]

I have another name for it:
sick

If a woman wouldn't stick with a man when he lost all his money, she doesn't love him. She's just using him. My mom stuck with my dad when the business he was working for went bankrupt. She was working part-time as a real estate agent, so she immediately went full time and was the main bread winner for a while. Meanwhile, the company my dad was working for was rebuilding. It was one of those reoganization type of bankruptcies. Eventually, the company was back on its feet, and my dad was earning good money again.

Not every woman would do that, but any woman who loved her husband would. A woman who would bail because her husband hit misfortune is human garbage. The wedding vows are sacred promises, and they say you stick together "in good times and in bad times, in sickness and in health."

I'm just saying that this type of behavior is so common there is a name for it in the world of social science. I'm not trying to justify it.

Your Dad hit the jackpot. I did too. I didn't get married until I was 35, though. Dodged a bullet or two along the way.

 

[kskboys]

I'm just saying that this type of behavior is so common there is a name for it in the world of social science. I'm not trying to justify it.

Your Dad hit the jackpot. I did too. I didn't get married until I was 35, though. Dodged a bullet or two along the way.

I see it all the time. Most of the time it's obvious to people outside the union. Lust covers up a ton.

 

[Reverend Conehead]

I'm just saying that this type of behavior is so common there is a name for it in the world of social science. I'm not trying to justify it.

Your Dad hit the jackpot. I did too. I didn't get married until I was 35, though. Dodged a bullet or two along the way.

That's fair. I do believe there are way more bullets to dodge nowadays than when my dad got married (1960). I think today a lot more people don't take the wedding vows seriously and just see them as the pretty words that you say. I've always seen them as sacred promises, and that it's wrong to dump someone just because times get tough. I've dodged some bullets. There are 3 women I almost married. For all 3 of them, I can say I don't believe they are people who would take the marriage vows as a sacred commitment. I think they would have been fair weather wives who would bail at the first sign of problems. So I didn't marry any of them. I believe I made the right choice. Better to be alone than with the wrong person.

 

[Creeper]

Yes, there's another man. She claims she met him after she had already left her husband, but I don't buy that. I think she knew him all along, but made up the story of meeting afterward to try to soften the blow or to look less bad.

I had a feeling from your initial post this was the case. I feel for your friend. Her having an affair or falling for another guy really escalates the emotions. It makes it much harder to not use the divorce as a means of retaliation. Retaliation costs money.

 

[Reverend Conehead]

I had a feeling from your initial post this was the case. I feel for your friend. Her having an affair or falling for another guy really escalates the emotions. It makes it much harder to not use the divorce as a means of retaliation. Retaliation costs money.

No kidding. Sometimes I think I'm in the wrong profession. You can make a ton of money as a divorce lawyer.

 

[Runwildboys]

I see it all the time. Most of the time it's obvious to people outside the union. Lust covers up a ton.

That's what it's for!

 

[Runwildboys]

You have to always ask: Who would attract or be attracted to someone like that? And if the answer is you didn't know she/he was like that then that's on you. People move too fast and don't consider the consequences. .
Put it in your rear-view and keep trucking.

On the flip side, if he felt that way toward her, why would he think she couldn't feel the same way?..Ooh! I wonder if she was pretending to be from Canada, but had a URL from California!