"It's not you, it's me", What the hell does that mean?

[RiggoForever]

I need to ask a question on these lines.

been with this girl for 2 years now, valentines day was like a 2yr aniversary.

so...problem is things are not like they used to be, but she's really close to my family, my daughter and somewhat dependent towards me. her folks have passed on, she doesnt get along that well with her siblings and she lives alone. if i broke up with her i dont know if/how she would handle it. She's very dependent on me.

maybe thats part of the problem, when i met her she was wild, and experienced in all kinds of things i wanted to experience. she's 10 years older than me and introduced me to a lot of "alternative lifestyle" activities.

But now things have changed so much. She just wants to go out for dinner or see a movie. she has too much social anxiety to go to a lot of places. Every day is like some new crisis and ive become an emotional cruth. She has some issues with depression and that gets pretty rough at times. Also with the depression theres some hostility. theres more i could add here but wont get into it.

And so i thought i would just get busier with some new projects and spend a little more time with some frinds to create some space, which has helped and since we dont see each other as often things have calmed down.

But there's a girl i've been around lately through different activities. And im really attracted to her and she likes me. well, she know my girlfriend and is willing to get involved with me even though she knows i have a girlfriend. I know its wrong but i think im going to see them both and be kind of secretive and just let the chips fall where they may. I mean, i need somethings too and im not getting it from my girlfriend (not sex, its the intimacy im missing) I feel like im always taking care of my girlfriend. The latest crisis was her recent weight gain, but that doesnt bother me, but she's upset and down all the time to the point where it has completely disrupted her whole emotional state for 3-4 months now and she doesnt want to go out and she cites her being overwight and older than me as reasons why.

I just cant handle having my girlfriend have an emotional breakdown on me, i dont want to go through that right now. If she would yell at me and tell me to go F myself i could say "this isnt working" and leave. But its too hard for me to walk away and picture her crying all day and night in her apartment all alone. we've been through a lot together. Its funny, she can solve and take care of everyone else's problems and actually loves to do this, but she really struggles with her own problems.

Over the holidays we started talking about maybe we arn't compatible and while im talking i look at her and she started to have a breakdown, man it was scary as hell, and im not even going to go into what transpired. She asked me to leave but she was in no condition to be left alone so i made her get in my car and took her to a diner for coffee and just talked until she was ok again. Then the next day she acts like nothing ever happened. No one but me see's this side of her.

But the bottom line is, i dont really get excited to see her like i used to and she can sense that and im not sure things can get back to where they were. I may be in over my head on this one cause i think i underestimated the degree of dependency her illness/depression would bring about.

Sometimes when you love someone you have to be able to let them go. If she really loves you and realizes she isn't making you happy as more then a friend, she should be willing to let you go. Staying with you may actually be making her more depressed. She probably knows deep down that the chemistry is wrong right now, the same way you do.

If you try to see another woman and stay with your gf, eventually you'll lose out on any chance more then a fling with the other woman. If a fling is all you and the other woman want, and you want to continue this balancing act, that's up to you. If you feel like you're with the wrong person and the chemistry isn't there, you should be honest in my opinion.

I wouldn't have the conversation alone with her, I'd bring along one of her closer friends so that if she becomes a mess, its not entirely on your hands, and there is a witness that you are being reasonable and will protect you if she chooses to go around to everyone she knows putting an unreasonable guilt trip on you. People have the tendency to distort the truth in these type of situations and you want to protect yourself from that.

 

[Juke99]

I need to ask a question on these lines.

been with this girl for 2 years now, valentines day was like a 2yr aniversary.

so...problem is things are not like they used to be, but she's really close to my family, my daughter and somewhat dependent towards me. her folks have passed on, she doesnt get along that well with her siblings and she lives alone. if i broke up with her i dont know if/how she would handle it. She's very dependent on me.

maybe thats part of the problem, when i met her she was wild, and experienced in all kinds of things i wanted to experience. she's 10 years older than me and introduced me to a lot of "alternative lifestyle" activities.

But now things have changed so much. She just wants to go out for dinner or see a movie. she has too much social anxiety to go to a lot of places. Every day is like some new crisis and ive become an emotional cruth. She has some issues with depression and that gets pretty rough at times. Also with the depression theres some hostility. theres more i could add here but wont get into it.

And so i thought i would just get busier with some new projects and spend a little more time with some frinds to create some space, which has helped and since we dont see each other as often things have calmed down.

But there's a girl i've been around lately through different activities. And im really attracted to her and she likes me. well, she know my girlfriend and is willing to get involved with me even though she knows i have a girlfriend. I know its wrong but i think im going to see them both and be kind of secretive and just let the chips fall where they may. I mean, i need somethings too and im not getting it from my girlfriend (not sex, its the intimacy im missing) I feel like im always taking care of my girlfriend. The latest crisis was her recent weight gain, but that doesnt bother me, but she's upset and down all the time to the point where it has completely disrupted her whole emotional state for 3-4 months now and she doesnt want to go out and she cites her being overwight and older than me as reasons why.

I just cant handle having my girlfriend have an emotional breakdown on me, i dont want to go through that right now. If she would yell at me and tell me to go F myself i could say "this isnt working" and leave. But its too hard for me to walk away and picture her crying all day and night in her apartment all alone. we've been through a lot together. Its funny, she can solve and take care of everyone else's problems and actually loves to do this, but she really struggles with her own problems.

Over the holidays we started talking about maybe we arn't compatible and while im talking i look at her and she started to have a breakdown, man it was scary as hell, and im not even going to go into what transpired. She asked me to leave but she was in no condition to be left alone so i made her get in my car and took her to a diner for coffee and just talked until she was ok again. Then the next day she acts like nothing ever happened. No one but me see's this side of her.

But the bottom line is, i dont really get excited to see her like i used to and she can sense that and im not sure things can get back to where they were. I may be in over my head on this one cause i think i underestimated the degree of dependency her illness/depression would bring about.

Tough stuff, it really is.

BUT that said, at some point, ya gotta realize that in a way, you are enabling her.

If she's going to do something drastic, she's gonna do it anyway...regardless of if you stay or go...because, it isn't about you. It's about her. Whatever her problems are, you're not going to be able to keep them in check.

Odd thing is, if you established your own baseline in this as far as what you are willing to accept, she might hear ya and do something about her issues.

 

[CF74]

It means she is empty but hasn't figured out that bouncing from relationship to relationship or anything else won't fill the void. At least she realizes it's within her and not you.

 

[TruBlueCowboy]

Did I accidentally type in a Dr. Phil site instead of a Cowboys site?

 

[Hoov]

LoL, funny True Blue. that was good.

Good advice Riggo and Juke. I think one of the ways im an enabler is that every time she acts out or we fight, she comes back crying and saying she's sorry and i always say, ok dont worry about it.

Oh, did i mention she now works at the same place as i do 1-2 days a week. She took a part time nursing job at the place i work after we had been together for a year even though i told her it was a bad idea. Thats what makes the break-up harder if it comes to that, cause i'll still see her every week.

I do need to be better at setting boundries as far as what i will accept. That sounds like a good place to start. Thanks guys.

 

[Juke99]

LoL, funny True Blue. that was good.

Good advice Riggo and Juke. I think one of the ways im an enabler is that every time she acts out or we fight, she comes back crying and saying she's sorry and i always say, ok dont worry about it.

Oh, did i mention she now works at the same place as i do 1-2 days a week. She took a part time nursing job at the place i work after we had been together for a year even though i told her it was a bad idea. Thats what makes the break-up harder if it comes to that, cause i'll still see her every week.

I do need to be better at setting boundries as far as what i will accept. That sounds like a good place to start. Thanks guys.

Well, you can say it's ok..but DO worry about it.

Ya know, you understand she's dealing with some internal stuff but that she's got to be willing to do something about it.

Let her know, if she takes a step to help herself, you'll be there for her...if not, you're going to have to draw some boundaries...

 

[Zaxor]

Tough stuff, it really is.

BUT that said, at some point, ya gotta realize that in a way, you are enabling her.

If she's going to do something drastic, she's gonna do it anyway...regardless of if you stay or go...because, it isn't about you. It's about her. Whatever her problems are, you're not going to be able to keep them in check.

Odd thing is, if you established your own baseline in this as far as what you are willing to accept, she might hear ya and do something about her issues.

I agree with this Hoov...Pretty good advice if you ask me

 

[Zaxor]

To the dude with the ex and the it's not you it's me business...

Do yourself a favor and go out with her girlfriend (the good looking one or her rival) and be as happy as you can be... Life is far too short to waste on things that can not be...rather focus on the endless possibilites of what can/could be

 

[blindzebra]

To the dude with the ex and the it's not you it's me business...

Do yourself a favor and go out with her girlfriend (the good looking one or her rival) and be as happy as you can be... Life is far too short to waste on things that can not be...rather focus on the endless possibilites of what can/could be

The girlfriend switch?

Are they roommates?

If so, I have a plan that is very simple yet devious, that will make you hit your knees thanking your maker that you have access to me and my dementia.

 

[WoodysGirl]

Revenge is not the answer, BZ and Zax.

It's not like she slashed his tires and sprayed a big fat "Screw You" on his car. Or locked him out of all his online accounts.

She's walking away w/o the drama. He should be grateful.

 

[Chief]

Means you'll be pouring beer on your right hand to have something drunk to take home on Sat nights for awhile, then you move on.

:laugh2:

You're a piece of work.

:laugh2:

 

[blindzebra]

Revenge is not the answer, BZ and Zax.

It's not like she slashed his tires and sprayed a big fat "Screw You" on his car. Or locked him out of all his online accounts.

She's walking away w/o the drama. He should be grateful.

And WG suffered a fly by, BP or Juke will be along shortly to help you out. :wink2:

 

[Chief]

The girlfriend switch?

Are they roommates?

If so, I have a plan that is very simple yet devious, that will make you hit your knees thanking your maker that you have access to me and my dementia.

:laugh2:

 

[Zaxor]

Revenge is not the answer, BZ and Zax.

It's not like she slashed his tires and sprayed a big fat "Screw You" on his car. Or locked him out of all his online accounts.

She's walking away w/o the drama. He should be grateful.

Oh I agree that it is not the answer...it is simply a feel good/better thing... going out with her girl friend or rival who knows the 2 might hit it off

 

[DallasCowpoke111]

:laugh2:

You're a piece of work.

:laugh2:

:wink2:

 

[phdefense]

As Jeff Foxworthy would say

"She has already cut another pony from the herd and if she isn't riding it yet. She is getting the saddle out of the barn."

The solice you can take in this is that in her approach to life her self created misery will be her own punishment and be thankful she gave you the opportunity to be happy instead of dragging you through her misery.

 

[WV Cowboy]

Man, life can get complicated, these are tough situations.

Good luck Hoov.

 

[Bob Sacamano]

doing it

haha, you said doing it...

 

[bbgun]

It means she's not a fan of your back hair and lazyeye.

 

[Crown Royal]

Actually usually it was 2-4 hours, but that's another story for another thread.

23 minutes is my record.