How long do you have and how much space do I have here? Before the term was coined, I was a class clown, actually thought that was my job. My teachers thought that was my job as well and that they'd done something wrong in a previous life and I was sent as punishment. I know this because I heard "Oh Lord" a lot from them. Recess at our elementary school was known as "Keep an eye on that one". I got busted for selling Double Bubble, Bazooka and Lik-M-Aid at recess twice. I would buy them for a penny a piece and double the price and had quite a lucrative venture for myself and they shut me down, confiscated the contraband but they didn't take my cash.
So, I went back into business a couple of weeks later but pushed it too far. I would give girls the choice of 2 cents or pulling up their dress behind the building. This time when I got busted, the Principal took me home and made me sit there while she explained to my Mom what I had been doing. My Mom asked me "what do you have to say for yourself"? I asked what's different about this than sitting under the monkey bars and trying to catch a shot? Not exactly what she wanted to hear as she just stared at me along with the Principal and this was my first lesson with a tough audience. I do wonder if I sent any of those girls down the road of debauchery and depravity and since they'd show their panties for Bazooka, what would they do for real money? Every time I see a woman chewing gum, my sick little mind wonders 'what did she do to get that gum'?
I became really good at one art as a Master of Distraction, flipping my desk/chair over and not once hurting myself. I discovered early on that besides protecting us from a nuclear blast, this thing could be good for entertainment. I not only mastered this but became famous for it and continued the practice all the way through high school. It was not considered to be an official school year until I'd flipped my desk and I had friends draw that in my senior year book.
Everything changed for me in 5th grade, Mrs. Blair, an absolute genius. She let me get by with some of my disrupting and clowning around making distracting sounds until one Monday morning when she called me out the hall to make a deal. She offered me my own full 5 minutes at the end of the week to get up in front of the class and entertain them. The deal was no distracting the class during the week, especially the flipping my desk/chair and she asked me if I'd ever hurt myself doing that, hit my head. It would be years later before I understood what she was thinking. Well, the word spread and they allowed the next door class to come in for my performance and it also spread to Mrs. Frost, my 6th grade teacher and favorite of all time. She made that deal with me only sweetened the pot, 2 minutes for every day I didn't disrupt her class and if I went all 5 days, I got 10 minutes. I was hitting the big time. However, her plan didn't work any better than Mrs. Blair's because there were weeks I blew it, just couldn't stop myself when we were in complete silence. Complete silence exists for only one thing, distraction, disruption and finally disgrace, no Friday performance. I could see the poster with me on it with cancelled stamped across it.
In one of my acts, I explained the benefit of learning to flip your desk in case of a nuclear attack. I figured that getting under the desk only protected us against the bomb falling on us but what about the blast coming from the side, our most likely danger. So, the desk part of the chair would act as a shield against the blast. This was all part of the plan to make them think I was buying the whole plan of using my desk to thwart off a nuclear attack. All the while, I always tried to sit by a window and crack it. When the attack came, I'd exit stage left out that window and meet the Commie bassterds as they came down in parachutes. I wasn't going out in a class room setting, no sir, not this guy. I hadn't survived this mean old world for 8 years without being a survivor.
One thing about being a class clown, you never outgrow it. And I thank y'all for letting me continue that here.
but i did see a kid put his rear end up to a fan and cut a huge fart. Mind you this was a catholic school and the kid had no clue a teacher was watching him the whole time. His face turned red as a beet from embarrassment.
