What Is The Funniest Joke You Know By Heart?

[JohnnyTheFox]

Confucius say, man who lose girlfriends apartment key gets no new key.
Confucius also say man who make love on ground have peace on earth.

 

[MWH1967]

What is the difference between a "G spot" and a golf ball??



A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

 

[darthseinfeld]

So I said "rectum? Damn near kill em!"

 

[Oz-of-Cowboy-Country]

Yo momma so fat...when she fell, I didn't laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

Yo momma so fat...when she cut herself, gravy came out.

Yo momma so ugly, her birth certificate is an apology letter.

Yo momma so fat...when she goes camping bears hide their food.

 

[Pompey-Cowboy]

Doctor, doctor, I have strawberries growing out of my bottom!

That's okay, I have some cream for those.

 

[kskboys]

Rookie golfer, lady.

Hits a shot and it goes waaaaaaaaay over to the left and hits a dude standing there. He bends over in pain grabbing his hoohaw.

The lady rushes over and says, "I'm a massage therapist, I'll make it feel better." So, she massages down there for a bit. Then asks, "How's it feel?

Guy smiles, "Great, and my thumb feels better too!!!!!"

 

[Ranched]

Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
Brunette: "I don’t know."
Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"

 

[MWH1967]

A guy is late for a meeting. But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. "Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mind. Found one!"

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[MWH1967]

Confucius say, man who lose girlfriends apartment key gets no new key.
Confucius also say man who make love on ground have peace on earth.

also say!

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[MWH1967]

What do you call a cheese that’s not yours? / A. Nacho cheese!

 

[timb2]

Question
What's the difference between a Irish Wedding and a Irish Funeral?

Answer
One less drunk.

 

[timb2]

Question
What is Texas's favorite wine?

Answer
Why can't we beat Oklahoma?

 

[MWH1967]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied:

"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"

 

[MWH1967]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver — I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

 

[Oz-of-Cowboy-Country]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver — I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

Footpath? The use of the word footpath is a joke upon itself.

 

[MWH1967]

An old lady would get on the 3:15 bus to Upton and every day would give the driver peanuts. The driver would thank her, and she would take a seat.

One day the driver said, "Miss, I don't want to take all your peanuts". "Do you not want any?" She replied " Oh, heavens no, my teeth are bad and I can't chew them anymore. I just like to lick the chocolate off."

 

[Reverend Conehead]

A white horse fell in a black mud puddle. ... Sorry, that's a really dirty joke.

 

[Pukindog]

What happens when you "goose" a ghost"?

You get a handful of sheet.

 

[Ranched]

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for the "Fresh Prints"

An old lady would get on the 3:15 bus to Upton and every day would give the driver peanuts. The driver would thank her, and she would take a seat.

One day the driver said, "Miss, I don't want to take all your peanuts". "Do you not want any?" She replied " Oh, heavens no, my teeth are bad and I can't chew them anymore. I just like to lick the chocolate off."

 

[Ranching]

A mailman sees an old lady crying...he walks up to her and she hands him a letter addressed to God.....he take it back to work and tells the others....curious, they open it.....she wrote, God please help me..I need $300 dollars to pay for my medicine...
The mailmen feel bad, so they all donate a bit and come up 250 dollars.
The mailman puts it in an envelope and addresses it, from God.
The lady was so excited, she opened it and cried when she was still short.
The next day she sents another letter to God.
When the mailman opens it....it's said..God, thank you for the money, but that frikkin mailman stole 50 dollars!