I am choking

[Teren_Kanan]

Ok, calm down and don't do anything stupid. You didn't have sex so tell yourself you didn't cheat.

You need to forgive yourself. Probably the majority of married people have done what you did at some point.

Don't tell your wife or anyone about it, not worth the hassle. I assume there is no way she will find out unless your colleague does something stupid or someone else you know saw. You will have to carry this to your grave.

If you are messed up over it, fine, you need to deal with it but why ruin her life too?

I'm actually with this guy. Take it to the grave and don't do it again. What has been done cannot be undone. Telling her will only cause her a lot of pain. Everyone makes mistakes, learn from it and move on. It wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. If you and your wife truly have a good relationship, and you DO love her, telling her will only tarnish what you have forever, even if you are forgiven.

Then again, this advice is useless if you think there is any chance of her finding out via other means. If she is going to find out, better it be from you. If you are confident that she never will, keep it to yourself. Grow from it.

I've been with mine for 8 years in January. When we were together for less than a year when she admitted to kissing another guy at some party. Happening back then is a lot different than if it happened now, but I still wish she had never told me. I never would have known, our relationship would still be as great as it is now, without that slight pang of "Hey that happened". I am more upset at the fact that she couldn't keep it to herself than I am that it happened. In retrospect it's not nearly as big a deal (again, different situation than you, less than a year vs 13, so I"m not comparing them 100%) as I felt like it was when it happened back then. I laugh about it now. Whatever life goes on.

If you love her, and she loves you, there is nothing positive that can come from her knowing. It'll put a huge dent in your relationship regardless of how she handles it. Everyone makes mistakes.

 

[Teren_Kanan]

Its not like he just gave some other woman a peck on the cheek. They made out, they "fooled around".. if some of you don't think that is pretty much cheating, im pretty shocked to hear that. I really think if he's this broken up over it, clearly he knows in his heart that it was cheating and something that wouldn't be fair to keep from her. Not to mention its obviously eating him up inside to not tell her. Would be tough to continue to try to live feeling that way, imo.

I do agree that it was cheating, you'd be a fool to convince yourself it's not.

But I still say keep it to yourself and don't let it happen again.

 

[AbeBeta]

You need to forgive yourself. Probably the majority of married people have done what you did at some point.

BS.

 

[jobberone]

Its not like he just gave some other woman a peck on the cheek. They made out, they "fooled around".. if some of you don't think that is pretty much cheating, im pretty shocked to hear that. I really think if he's this broken up over it, clearly he knows in his heart that it was cheating and something that wouldn't be fair to keep from her. Not to mention its obviously eating him up inside to not tell her. Would be tough to continue to try to live feeling that way, imo.

My last response. He said he kissed her etc then he mentioned kissing again. Telling your long term partner something like that is treating your anxiety and guilt. She'll do just fine not knowing about it. Maybe she'll laugh about it, tell him about her kissing her boss at the Christmas party two years ago when she was drunk, or maybe she'll start thinking he wouldn't be telling me this unless they're having an affair and the whole truth and nothing but the truth will blow up in both their faces and maybe their entire family.

I don't know him or his wife. He knows her likely response. I find people who must tell the truth at all times to be insensitive and often cruel. People are allowed secrets even married people. Some secrets should stay secret.

His call.

 

[CanadianCowboysFan]

Its not like he just gave some other woman a peck on the cheek. They made out, they "fooled around".. if some of you don't think that is pretty much cheating, im pretty shocked to hear that. I really think if he's this broken up over it, clearly he knows in his heart that it was cheating and something that wouldn't be fair to keep from her. Not to mention its obviously eating him up inside to not tell her. Would be tough to continue to try to live feeling that way, imo.

he's broken up over possibility she finds out, which is understandable.

 

[CanadianCowboysFan]

There are some things you should take to your grave, this is one of them.

 

[RoyTheHammer]

I'm actually with this guy. Take it to the grave and don't do it again. What has been done cannot be undone. Telling her will only cause her a lot of pain. Everyone makes mistakes, learn from it and move on. It wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. If you and your wife truly have a good relationship, and you DO love her, telling her will only tarnish what you have forever, even if you are forgiven.

Then again, this advice is useless if you think there is any chance of her finding out via other means. If she is going to find out, better it be from you. If you are confident that she never will, keep it to yourself. Grow from it.

I've been with mine for 8 years in January. When we were together for less than a year when she admitted to kissing another guy at some party. Happening back then is a lot different than if it happened now, but I still wish she had never told me. I never would have known, our relationship would still be as great as it is now, without that slight pang of "Hey that happened". I am more upset at the fact that she couldn't keep it to herself than I am that it happened. In retrospect it's not nearly as big a deal (again, different situation than you, less than a year vs 13, so I"m not comparing them 100%) as I felt like it was when it happened back then. I laugh about it now. Whatever life goes on.

If you love her, and she loves you, there is nothing positive that can come from her knowing. It'll put a huge dent in your relationship regardless of how she handles it. Everyone makes mistakes.

While i respectfully disagree with your opinion, i still wanted to quote this just to say that i understand how you could come to this conclusion based on this reasoning. Like you said though, she did tell you, and you still have a great relationship. I think honesty is something you need to have in order for the relationship to be healthy.

I do agree everyone makes mistakes, but this involves a couple.. so i don't believe its up to him to decide if he's forgiven here. It should be up to his wife, and i just feel like she deserves to know i guess.

 

[RoyTheHammer]

My last response. He said he kissed her etc then he mentioned kissing again. Telling your long term partner something like that is treating your anxiety and guilt. She'll do just fine not knowing about it. Maybe she'll laugh about it, tell him about her kissing her boss at the Christmas party two years ago when she was drunk, or maybe she'll start thinking he wouldn't be telling me this unless they're having an affair and the whole truth and nothing but the truth will blow up in both their faces and maybe their entire family.

I don't know him or his wife. He knows her likely response. I find people who must tell the truth at all times to be insensitive and often cruel. People are allowed secrets even married people. Some secrets should stay secret.

His call.

I agree its his call.. and i think honestly, he already knows what he has to do based on his first post. However, i don't see how you think its insensitive to not tell the truth about this? Or cruel even?

He messed up.. this isn't like telling the truth if his wife asked him if her butt looks bigger than it used to.. this is kinda a big deal.

I don't know what her reaction will be either.. but based on what he did, i don't think it should matter. You don't decide whether to tell her or not based on if you are afraid of the consequences. JMO.

Overall though, i think this has been a very reasonable discussion of the two different thought processes here. Usually threads like this blow up into huge arguments but i like the fact that there have been different opinions here, but all seem reasonable and everyone seems to be understanding and respecful of the fact that we're all just trying to help the OP.

 

[Gemini Dolly]

1. If he is able to hold a secret like infidelity, then fine, his choice. But, I still believe the best approach is honesty. Own up to the consequence of the bad decision. Women can be forgiving, believe it or not.

 

[BrAinPaiNt]

I would tell her that you found out that she had an affair while she was on vacation and that you want to divorce her.

Of course I am doing just what I think you are doing.

I dont think you are trolling for attention, but I do think you like to post hypothetical situations and pass them off as real to see how various people recacts or thinks about things...I would not be shocked if you were a fan of philosophy or pyschology and love these types of scenarios.

Hope I am wrong but I think I am pretty close to the truth.

 

[RoyTheHammer]

I'll make this my last post as far as advice goes, but i really think this quote from the OP says it all:

I feel like I have to tell her and apologize, on the other hand I am afraid of her reaction.

I know you are afriad man, and i feel for you because it sounds as if you are a genuinely good person.. but i think you already know what you have to do. Hopefully all of the advice you get here doesn't just confuse you further. Nothing wrong with getting different thoughts, but you have to decide yourself what is the right thing for you. Good luck with it all, man. I hope everything turns out well for you and your family.

 

[Shunpike]

I'm actually with this guy. Take it to the grave and don't do it again. What has been done cannot be undone. Telling her will only cause her a lot of pain. Everyone makes mistakes, learn from it and move on. It wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. If you and your wife truly have a good relationship, and you DO love her, telling her will only tarnish what you have forever, even if you are forgiven.

Then again, this advice is useless if you think there is any chance of her finding out via other means. If she is going to find out, better it be from you. If you are confident that she never will, keep it to yourself. Grow from it.

I've been with mine for 8 years in January. When we were together for less than a year when she admitted to kissing another guy at some party. Happening back then is a lot different than if it happened now, but I still wish she had never told me. I never would have known, our relationship would still be as great as it is now, without that slight pang of "Hey that happened". I am more upset at the fact that she couldn't keep it to herself than I am that it happened. In retrospect it's not nearly as big a deal (again, different situation than you, less than a year vs 13, so I"m not comparing them 100%) as I felt like it was when it happened back then. I laugh about it now. Whatever life goes on.

If you love her, and she loves you, there is nothing positive that can come from her knowing. It'll put a huge dent in your relationship regardless of how she handles it. Everyone makes mistakes.

Thanks man

I read this over and over. I have to admit my eyes are wet. Still can't believe I did what I did. I wish I could take it back. I was planning on telling her but this post made me think a lot. I have a few more days till she is back and I still have time to finalize my decision about what to do and your post is one of the posts that made me think a lot. Thank you thank you thank you.

 

[Teren_Kanan]

I would tell her that you found out that she had an affair while she was on vacation and that you want to divorce her.

Of course I am doing just what I think you are doing. I dont think you are trolling for attention, but I do think you like to post hypothetical situations and pass them offas real to see how various people recacts or thinks about things...I would not be shocked if you were a fan of philosophy or pyschology and love thes types of scenarios.

Hope I am wrong but I think I am pretty close to the truth.

Eh it's certainly possible. But as a fan of Psychology/Philosophy, I have fun discussing it anyhow, fake or no =p

As for this thread, I just showed my girl the post and my reply. She agreed with me, though added if he's not the type of person who can live with guilt like that, he needs to tell her or he'll ruin himself.

EDIT
Just read your reply to me OP. And I do agree with my wife who agrees that you should NOT tell her but adds that if you decide not to tell her, make sure you can live with it, guilt can eat a person up and change them completely, even make them suspicious/jealous of their significant other because of what they have done themselves. It really does come down to you. If you forgive yourself, and hold it in without letting it greatly effect your relationship, do it that way. You can learn from it and move on, and she never has to be hurt by it.

 

[Shunpike]

I would tell her that you found out that she had an affair while she was on vacation and that you want to divorce her.

Of course I am doing just what I think you are doing.

I dont think you are trolling for attention, but I do think you like to post hypothetical situations and pass them off as real to see how various people recacts or thinks about things...I would not be shocked if you were a fan of philosophy or pyschology and love these types of scenarios.

Hope I am wrong but I think I am pretty close to the truth.

No I am not trolling or seeking attention. I am a Giants fan on a Cowboys board. I had many opportunities to troll or get attention. Look at my post count and decide on your own if I am trolling. This is an issue eating me live and I can't seek guidance from family or friends about. Better open up at a board where you are nobody. But again thanks for your comments

 

[RoyTheHammer]

Eh it's certainly possible. But as a fan of Psychology/Philosophy, I have fun discussing it anyhow, fake or no =p

As for this thread, I just showed my girl the post and my reply. She agreed with me, though added if he's not the type of person who can live with guilt like that, he needs to tell her or he'll ruin himself.

EDIT
Just read your reply to me OP. And I do agree with my wife who agrees that you should NOT tell her but adds that if you decide not to tell her, make sure you can live with it, guilt can eat a person up and change them completely, even make them suspicious/jealous of their significant other because of what they have done themselves. It really does come down to you. If you forgive yourself, and hold it in without letting it greatly effect your relationship, do it that way. You can learn from it and move on, and she never has to be hurt by it.

I guess the question that this creates is:

If you cheat on your spouse, is it up to you to forgive yourself for it, or should that be their decision?

Seems to me like saying you forgive yourself for it, so that should be enough, is a cop out. That's my opinion though. Have to answer that question for yourself.

 

[WoodysGirl]

I have a motormouth in real life that's cost me more than a few times. Put me in the "go to your grave with the secret if you handle the guilt" crowd.

 

[Shunpike]

1. If he is able to hold a secret like infidelity, then fine, his choice. But, I still believe the best approach is honesty. Own up to the consequence of the bad decision. Women can be forgiving, believe it or not.

Are you a girl/women? Asking it because I want to gauge what my wife's reaction can be if I open up?

 

[RoyTheHammer]

Are you a girl/women? Asking it because I want to gauge what my wife's reaction can be if I open up?

She is.

 

[Shunpike]

I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. she didn;t deserve this. My kids didn't deserve a cheating father. Man I hate myself.

 

[RoyTheHammer]

I have a motormouth in real life that's cost me more than a few times. Put me in the "go to your grave with the secret if you handle the guilt" crowd.

If there was no action, there'd be nothing to speak.