Opposite Sex Friends

[casmith07]

Just a general question for Zoners to see the responses...a friend of mine and I were talking after contract law yesterday and the question came up: "if you're married or in a relationship, is it okay to have friends of the opposite sex?"

I personally believe Steve Harvey is correct in this regard and subscribe to his belief.

So, bottom line, Zoners: is it okay to have friends of the opposite sex when you're either married or in a relationship with someone?

Also, are you okay with your significant other/wife/husband having friends of the opposite sex?

 

[YosemiteSam]

No. That doesn't work at all.

The only time I've ever seen an opposite sex friendship (ie, they hang out together a lot) is when the guy was a flamboyant homosexual (ie the feminine side of a relationship) and the woman was a shopaholic.

If the homosexual guy isn't feminine, it won't work.

 

[Hostile]

It is entirely possible but you have to have two very understanding people. My wife and I discussed this early on in our marriage. In all honesty we agreed to even allow the other to be attracted to someone of the opposite sex. In other words, if I say Kate Beckinsale is gorgeous it does not mean I want a divorce and to jump into bed with her. It means I am not blind. Same thing if she says that of a man. We allow ourselves to look at the opposite sex as long as it is not by braille. In a very short time we learned to trust each other and not to believe attraction means lust.

In other words, yes it can be accomplished but you nor she can secretly be calculating how to cheat, not get cheated on, and not get caught. As soon as you start making moves on the friend of the opposite sex you have sanctified the very essence of this question.

Most of my friends are sports freaks, but I do have some friends that are female. My wife knows I will never cheat on her. Not with them or anyone. I earned that trust. That is the key.

 

[BrAinPaiNt]

Well you can have good friends of the opposite sex at work but you don't hang around with or talk to besides at work.

I don't know about someone of the opposite sex that say you would go to the mall or a concert with while your spouse was not along...I think that would be different.

 

[TheCount]

It's definitely possible and Hos has the right idea.

I'd like to add that it makes no sense if you're going to do things with an opposite sex friend that you wouldn't do with a same sex friend.

If you hang out with your buddies while watching a game or going to a bar, etc. then it doesn't make sense for you to go to dinner and a movie with an opposite sex friend.

 

[CATCH17]

It takes 4 to tango?

 

[Hostile]

It's definitely possible and Hos has the right idea.

I'd like to add that it makes no sense if you're going to do things with an opposite sex friend that you wouldn't do with a same sex friend.

If you hang out with your buddies while watching a game or going to a bar, etc. then it doesn't make sense for you to go to dinner and a movie with an opposite sex friend.

I agree with this. I think I have been to maybe one movie with anyone other than my wife and kids or Mom in the 20 years I have been married. It was with a buddy from work and was a movie my wife was not interested in. The final movie in the Star Wars saga.

I have never gone out to dinner with just one single female friend since being married. It is rare that I would do it with a single guy friend either. Usually if my wife is not along there is a group.

My wife has even met some of my old girlfriends and knows that at least 3 of them are friends of mine on Facebook, including an ex-fiance'. I say again, I have earned the trust. That is the key.

 

[Yeagermeister]

It is entirely possible but you have to have two very understanding people. My wife and I discussed this early on in our marriage. In all honesty we agreed to even allow the other to be attracted to someone of the opposite sex. In other words, if I say Kate Beckinsale is gorgeous it does not mean I want a divorce and to jump into bed with her. It means I am not blind. Same thing if she says that of a man. We allow ourselves to look at the opposite sex as long as it is not by braille. In a very short time we learned to trust each other and not to believe attraction means lust.

In other words, yes it can be accomplished but you nor she can secretly be calculating how to cheat, not get cheated on, and not get caught. As soon as you start making moves on the friend of the opposite sex you have sanctified the very essence of this question.

Most of my friends are sports freaks, but I do have some friends that are female. My wife knows I will never cheat on her. Not with them or anyone. I earned that trust. That is the key.

My wife and I joke around about this all the time. I refer to Halle Berry as the future Mrs. Yeager to her face and she know I'm joking. She'll do the same with Moose and Darren Woodson (sorry WG) and I don't get bent out of shape over it.

 

[WV Cowboy]

I suppose there are examples where it has worked, but in my mind it is always a very dangerous and slippery slope to start down.

Something that starts innocently enough can change over time and become a temptation.

And thinking some actress or model is gorgeous is not what we are talking about here.

This thread is about opposite sex "friends".

I think it is a bad idea, .. I would never disrespect my wife by having another woman as a "friend."
She is my best friend, and I have many, many guys that have been a friend to me.
I do not need any other woman as a "friend".

I am almost 57, and have been with my wife since I was 17 and she was 16, .. married over 35 years. Some of the young guys here at work will talk to me or ask how we make it work and why it gets better as time goes on. They ask other advice about women.

I would always tell one of them, if they asked, don't have another woman as a friend. Just my advice.

 

[Vtwin]

Two of my best friends are females. They are sisters and I have known them forever, much longer than I have known my wife of fifteen years. We hang out a lot with and without my wife. I have spent weekends visiting one or the other when they were away from home for extended periods for work in a fun place to visit. One of them is a friggin Eagles fan! The other a Pat's fan.

Taking one of them to Montreal this weekend to see a hockey game. Took the other one last year. My wife has no interest in going.

It is absolutely possible. If there is trust and commitment. If we didn't have those two things we wouldn't be married.

 

[WV Cowboy]

Two of my best friends are females. They are sisters and I have known them forever, much longer than I have known my wife of fifteen years. We hang out a lot with and without my wife. I have spent weekends visiting one or the other when they were away from home for extended periods for work in a fun place to visit. One of them is a friggin Eagles fan! The other a Pat's fan.

Taking one of them to Montreal this weekend to see a hockey game. Took the other one last year. My wife has no interest in going.

It is absolutely possible. If there is trust and commitment. If we didn't have those two things we wouldn't be married.

Do you find either of these sisters physically or sexually attractive?

Or would any of us on this board find them sexually attractive?

 

[Kangaroo]

a lot of people have hit on the subject of yes you can. i have some friends that are female my wife trust me and we never had any issues over it unless you call giving each other a hard time.

Me personally when it comes to female friends I try to do things in a group setting it is just freakin easier to avoid all the other crap that may happen. (yes i am talking of people and rumors etc)

 

[DallasEast]

I have two female friends whom I have known for over 25 years. My wife asked one of them to be one of her bridesmaids even though she only knew of her through me.

 

[ABQCOWBOY]

Hell no Cas. I believe that there is something to the whole man/woman chemical thing. I don't care if you believe it's God or Nature or Buddha or whatever, in my mind the simple truth of the matter is that men and woman were hard wired to have a chemical and physical attraction to one another. Working with somebody or being at a bar with somebody who also likes the Cowboys or something like that is not the same as being close friends in my mind. I would classify those folks as acquaintance more so then friend. A working relationship is not the same as a close friend to me. If you spend enough time around a female, it will eventually lead you in a certain direction IMO. It may not be on your part, it might be on hers or maybe the other way around. It might be both but it will eventually happen. It's a nature thing and you can't deny that part of human existence. You can suppress it or avoid it, perhaps control it but it only takes one moment of weakness on either parties behalf and you then have a problem. If you really love your wife or your significant other, why take the chance? IMO, your only asking for trouble.

People can have whatever opinions on this they like. They are certainly entitled but I'm just saying that you can't fight what is designed into all of us. Eventually, it will surface and then, you have to deal with it. Once that happens, it's not a friendship thing. It's one or the other or both pretending it's something it's not. If you don't create distance, then you will either end up with something happening that should not or somebody is going to end up resenting something and it will create drama or worse.

That's just how I see it.

 

[DFWJC]

It's definitely possible and Hos has the right idea.

I'd like to add that it makes no sense if you're going to do things with an opposite sex friend that you wouldn't do with a same sex friend.

If you hang out with your buddies while watching a game or going to a bar, etc. then it doesn't make sense for you to go to dinner and a movie with an opposite sex friend.

This makes sense.

Also, I would keep "appearances" in mind out of respect for your wife or gf. That alone may exclude more intimate settings--harmless or not.

If everyting is respectful of the spouse, then yes, I do think you can have a friend that is a girl.

 

[Yeagermeister]

Hell no Cas. I believe that there is something to the whole man/woman chemical thing. I don't care if you believe it's God or Nature or Buddha or whatever, in my mind the simple truth of the matter is that men and woman were hard wired to have a chemical and physical attraction to one another. Working with somebody or being at a bar with somebody who also likes the Cowboys or something like that is not the same as being close friends in my mind. I would classify those folks as acquaintance more so then friend. A working relationship is not the same as a close friend to me. If you spend enough time around a female, it will eventually lead you in a certain direction IMO. It may not be on your part, it might be on hers or maybe the other way around. It might be both but it will eventually happen. It's a nature thing and you can't deny that part of human existence. You can suppress it or avoid it, perhaps control it but it only takes one moment of weakness on either parties behalf and you then have a problem. If you really love your wife or your significant other, why take the chance? IMO, your only asking for trouble.

People can have whatever opinions on this they like. They are certainly entitled but I'm just saying that you can't fight what is designed into all of us. Eventually, it will surface and then, you have to deal with it. Once that happens, it's not a friendship thing. It's one or the other or both pretending it's something it's not. If you don't create distance, then you will either end up with something happening that should not or somebody is going to end up resenting something and it will create drama or worse.

That's just how I see it.

I disagree somewhat. I have a female friend I have know since HS and we have never been anything other than friends.

 

[bbgun]

This movie dialogue immediately springs to mind.


Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.

Sally Albright: Why not?

Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.

Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.

Harry Burns: No you don't.

Sally Albright: Yes I do.

Harry Burns: No you don't.

Sally Albright: Yes I do.

Harry Burns: You only think you do.

Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?

Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.

Sally Albright: They do not.

Harry Burns: Do too.

Sally Albright: They do not.

Harry Burns: Do too.

Sally Albright: How do you know?

Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.

Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?

Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.

Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?

Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.

Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.

Harry Burns: I guess not.

Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.

 

[JohnnyHopkins]

It is entirely possible. I have several close female friends that I have known since I was young. There are no feelings of attraction between us. It isn't that they aren't attractive, just not my type at all.

A few years ago I met one of them when I was in St. Pete on business and we hung out in the evenings while I was there. My wife was fine with it.

 

[ABQCOWBOY]

I disagree somewhat. I have a female friend I have know since HS and we have never been anything other than friends.

OK, but I don't buy into that Yeags. You are a better man then me.

 

[zrinkill]

CanadianCowboysFan is gonna be all over this thread like a spider monkey!