"Agenda"?

[LaTunaNostra]

Next time slip in the name Terry Glenn, Canty, Woodson or Bill Parcells...then watch her trip over herself giving you a great review. :

Or BrainPaint

 

[BrAinPaiNt]

Or BrainPaint

You are SOOOO full of it

 

[LaTunaNostra]

You are SOOOO full of it

BrainPaint, BrainPaint
Terry Glenn he sure ain't
SO even-tempered, he really is a bit quaint,
And as a mod, it's clear he's a pure saint

 

[LaTunaNostra]

Zaxor, telling a more literal story than most poetry attempts, and doing it with rhyming verse imposes restraints that freer verse doesn't. So symmetrical beat, as in song lyrics, often seems to make or break the flow. Reading your poem aloud, there were a few places where I think the symmetry got broken. The first stanza sets the beat pace. Aside from the refrain, the second doesn't match the first, where the final line has an extra beat. The whole poem other than the refrain could be done in 9. Or 9-9-9-10


....the gathering of the storm.....

TO ARMS

Ride Swords of Justice and right the wrongs (9)
all shall be written in deeds and songs (9)
we go into dark to bring the light (9)
and vanquish the evil with righteous might (10) (is 'the" required? )

For swords they sing and then they bite (8)
through blackest day and darkest night (8)
foes of Tyr bow down low (5)
and beg for mercy ere we go (8)

the shadow can not shall not prevail (9)
just as the flowers weather storm and gale (10) could lose 'just' , keep nine beats as in stanza one or "like flowers weathering storm and gale

curse our enemy and damn them all (9)
our deed not over until they fall (9)

for swords they sing and then they bite (8)
through blackest day and darkest night (8)
foes of Tyr bow down low (5)
and beg for mercy ere we go (8)

Tyr is just, Faith is might (6)
Noble and righteous is the fight (8)
ever onward and onward we now go (10) could lose 'and onward', keep six beats, so 6/8, 6/8

and venture where the cock won't crow (8)

Swords they sing and they they bite (8)
through blackest day and darkest night (8)
foes of Tyr bow down low (5)
and beg for mercy ere we go (8)


......off to war......

Again, the imagery is vibrant and compelling. Since the storyline is extremely clear, my suggestion would be reworking some of the phrases with more figurative language.

You especially have leeway with the "chorus"…no danger of the onward to war theme being lost. So you can pack a lot of punch into each line w/o worrying if your reader lost your direction. Function words like articles, prepositions and pronouns rob your finite beats of content. By eliminating words like 'they', 'then', 'and ' more 'space' is left for imagery. (all can't always be eliminated..but it's a secondary goal)

The other area is uncommon phrasing, crossing lexical categories…there are words that evoke blackest, darkest, bow, beg, and mercy that will lend to more lyricism and will not hinder the message. The theme here is battle beginning gloriously and vitally, ending in capitulation. But the foe is valiant, not a pushover, and the sheer beauty of battle an overriding idea - or the heroes would not be warriors. I think that all could be captured in the refrain by reworking it.

Night represents death, so that imagery needs no elaboration. The swords movement from song to bite evokes the length of battle..so the day to night line can be used to build visual or emotional impact.

Swords they sing and then they bite
through blackest day and darkest night
foes of Tyr bow down low
and beg for mercy ere we go

Swords sing lightening, caress, then bite
On blades of fury charges night
Steel-consumed, devoured by fire
Now supplicants, all foes of Tyr

I am not a poet (just Juke's Muse or I'd intuitively find less pedestrian words for a word like 'blade'.

There are also "better' words than consume and devour, but your original verbs sing and bite are both actions that take place with the mouth…there is a sense of those swords ingesting the enemy…with the sense of gained power or virility thru this action.

You definitely have the story told, a little reworking of phrase and more figurative language in some spots will, I think, heighten the impact you already created.

PS You asked for it, Zaxor

 

[BrAinPaiNt]

BrainPaint, BrainPaint
Terry Glenn he sure ain't
SO even-tempered, he really is a bit quaint,
And as a mod, it's clear he's a pure saint

Even tempered...except for some areas.

Pure Saint...if you only knew how wrong you are but I thank you for attempting to make me look good.

No wonder your Husband had no chance, you silver tongued devil. :

Besides the good looks....My wife snared me with her cooking and all of the gold/jewelry...thought I was marrying into money only to realize I would contribute to the Mr T Starter kit.

 

[LaTunaNostra]

I said as a MOD, you're a pure saint.

I know in the real world, you're a little devil, vice-driven and perverted.

That weekend you spent reading the last Harry Potter gave it away for good.

 

[BrAinPaiNt]

I said as a MOD, you're a pure saint.

I know in the real world, you're a little devil, vice-driven and perverted.

That weekend you spent reading the last Harry Potter gave it away for good.

Yes the perverted and demonic power of Harry Potter :laugh1:

Oh and don't try to push the perv tag on me...we all know you,WG and Princess are the big pervs around here. :

 

[Banned_n_austin]

Nice work Zaxor, I really enjoyed that.

There might be a part of you that wants it to be compared to great works by homer or other writers but to be honest it reminds me SOMEwhat of lyrics by Dio.

Now that may be taken as an insult but since I really like dio's work a great deal it is meant as a compliment.

I saw James Dio at the Pecan St. festival here in Austin a good 8 or 9 years back ...

 

[Banned_n_austin]

I prefer the term "bandwagon" over "agenda" ...