Relationship advice

[silverbear]

Dug your grave? You pissed your wife off. Most men would be buried many times over if that was the qualifier for digging one's grave. If you really haven't given her a reason to be suspicious just talk it out. Shouldn't be too tough.

However, if you have some stuff in the past you're going to have a hell of a time winning that battle and would probably best off waving the white flag on this one.

Either way, talk it out. Damn, two reasonable people who care for another and have a kid (cute kid by the way) should be able to hash this out regardless of the past so long as the present and future are heading where they should be.

In this situation, talk is cheap, action is needed... he's already said that any time they try to talk about this, it turns into a big argument/guilt trip (presumably with numerous reminders about how she's been abused in past relationships)...

Nope, at this point, to me the course of action is clear-- change your passwords, and tell her that you WILL have your privacy, and she's just going to have to deal with that... present her with a fait accompli, and make sure she knows that no amount of nagging, or crying, or hysterics are going to change your mind, so she might as well spare herself the effort...

It's her problem, she needs to deal with it... either she respects and trusts him, or she doesn't...

 

[silverbear]

I agree, very cute little girl, but the problem with talking things out here seems to be that his wife, from what he's told us, doesn't seem to be the rational, talk things out type of person. Hard to have a heart to heart discussion when only one person is really willing to open up and try to work things out.

You can't be rational with an irrational individual... simply doesn't work...

I think what I'm trying to say in all these responses is how is the poor guy supposed to have an self-respect if the most important person to him doesn't respect him?? And how can you ever hope to be happy if you don't respect yourself??

I totally respect that he's willing to sacrifice his own happiness to ensure that his daughter has a happy childhood, a parent should be willing to sacrifice for his child... I just think that standing up for himself here will allow him to have both, a happy daughter and his self-respect as a man...

 

[silverbear]

...Because he has nothing to hide, and it makes his wife at ease.

So it's not important that his wife doesn't trust or respect him??

 

[silverbear]

Got to pick your battles. Is this one worth it?

That girl is abusing him emotionally... would you advise a girlfriend in an abusive relationship to just put up with it??

 

[JohnnyHopkins]

No news flash: Solid relationships are where the people feel they are on equal terms. You are obviously not there given your comments.

Looking at the age of your daughter, it would not be out of the realm of reason that depression or a chemical imbalance from the pregnancy is playing a factor in her behavior. Sometimes things like that do not go away on their own. Perfectly healthy relationship prior to having a child, only to exhibit behavior very similar to what you have stated after birth.

My advice: Ask yourself when her paranoia and bad mouthing of you started becoming unmanageable. Also, take a deep hard look at yourself and if you have done anything to warrant it. Write down your findings and feelings, then present them to her as a concerned husband. Suggest the appropriate counseling; either for singular her or marital for the two of you. Seriously, think about it.

 

[Stryker44]

Explain to her in simple terms the Law of the Sperm and the Egg.

Sperm are produced in millions and are always searching to find eggs. Its natural for them to want to find many eggs from a variety of sources.

The female Egg is the selector, much more choosy. Much more inclined to stay with a single Man.

 

[BrAinPaiNt]

 

[PJTHEDOORS]

Explain to her in simple terms the Law of the Sperm and the Egg.

Sperm are produced in millions and are always searching to find eggs. Its natural for them to want to find many eggs from a variety of sources.

The female Egg is the selector, much more choosy. Much more inclined to stay with a single Man.

Time to give up my breakfast. Did we really need that?

 

[a_minimalist]

Time to give up my breakfast. Did we really need that?

Seriously? Lol. I thought it was pretty good and wasn't even remotely worthy of forcing someone to stop eating their breakfast.

 

[Stryker44]

Seriously? Lol. I thought it was pretty good and wasn't even remotely worthy of forcing someone to stop eating their breakfast.

Right, just saying she needs to understand what the dude is sacrificing in terms going against the Man's procreation instinct in order to keep her happy and family intact.

 

[jobberone]

Human beings should have some privacy which is determined by the couple and eventually by each person. No privacy at all is unacceptable and unhealthy. You are even allowed some secrets. Being a couple is not surrending self but intertwining it in a healthy way.

Your relationship is obviously unhealthy. People coming from an unstable environment (here an abusive relationship) are generally going to be controlling in an attempt to 'make' the environment stable. Unfortunately here and generally most times, it is having the opposite affect. If you have been unfaithful then you should give her time to regain trust and she should then relax her attempts at control. If you have done nothing to provoke this kind of behavior only you can decide what is acceptable to tolerate and how much.

If you don't wish to be treated this way then you must establish firm boundaries that only you can establish. In any relationship there are things you must learn to tolerate for the sake of peace and harmony and those behaviors which for you are deal breakers or just unacceptable.

Once you establish your new boundaries the rules of the relationship have changed and you can expect attempts from her to regain the previous environment and resistance to your changes. From what you have said I wouldn't be surprised by a crisis. If you want your relationship to change you must change and then be prepared for the consequences. If you are resolute her choices are to eventually accept them, request moderation, or totally refuse. Then you will have another choice.

This invasion of your privacy and total lack of trust would be intolerable for most people. I would suggest counseling. If she cannot understand her motivations for the need for absolute control then that puts the relationship at risk. She must also understand she cannot change or control another being nor should she wish to.

 

[WoodysGirl]

Lawd knows, I know about duct tape.. :laugh2:

 

[a_minimalist]

I think something else to ask is do you want your daughter, who is adorable by the way, growing up in a dysfunctional household with two parents who do this sort of thing. I'd think it's already harbored some sort of resentment between the two of you. What's the difference between that and growing up in a family where the parents are separated.

If this is the only problem you have and she was doing this when you were dating, it might be best to suck it up. You sort of knew what you were getting into before you got married if that's the case.

 

[Doomsday101]

LoL @ all the ''and you shouldn't come to a football forum for relationship advice''... I've found that football fans can be the most rational and irrational people at the same time... It's easy to tell the difference between the 2 as well.

The hardest part about walking away is my daughter. It's not just 2 people (her and I), it's 3... If I'm upset about something, I look at this:

and I just can't imagine not being with her every day

Ohwell, I've dug my grave, we'll see if I can get out of it.

I don't know as a football fan I just want to tell him rub some dirt on it and get back out there. :laugh2:

 

[JBS]

Sounds like to me that there is a major communication barrier in this relationship. IMO, properly communicating is they key to any relationship. It's also the reason why most relationships fail, because they communicate poorly.

If you are serious about fixing this problem, and if she is serious about fixing this problem, it will be dependent on the two of you discovering a way to communicate better.

 

[dez_for_prez]

My wife thought she deserved to know my passwords and I politely told her to pound sand. When my phone would beep she would jump up and try to see it, so turned off the "show message" and put a pass code on my phone. She was annoyed at first but what was she gonna do? Divorce me over it? If she wanted to leave because of that, then so long. She doesn't even bother now so I guess I won. :laugh2:

 

[Tricked]

Never cheated on her, never given her any reason to think I was cheating on her.

I found out at first that she had been going through my phone on a morning after I got in the shower, I think under a year that we had been seeing each other, and she saw a text conversation that I had with a friend of mine talking about how I didn't love her and wasn't sure I wanted to stay with her.

We've been together 4 years now. The only major difference I've noticed since having the baby is her anxiety has gone through the freaking roof and she's afraid to be alone. For example, she wanted to talk a shower in the night cause the baby threw up on her or something, and she bawled until I would go sit on the toilet while she did because she was afraid someone would come kill her or something.

Some of the comments here are awesome. Duct tape. I need more duct tape LoL

 

[5Stars]

I have been married 3 times, with the last one lasting 20 years so far, and it's only because my current wife does not get jealous, care what I do, where I go, or who I see, and I do the same with her. Jealously is one of the major reason for divorce and what did me in the first two times.

I would not put up with what your wife does for one more second. In most cases, it will not change, especially at the age you people are.

So, my advice to you is the following.

Oh, and "Hello, Mrs. Tricked.!"

[youtube]298nld4Yfds[/youtube]

 

[CashMan]

Never cheated on her, never given her any reason to think I was cheating on her.

I found out at first that she had been going through my phone on a morning after I got in the shower, I think under a year that we had been seeing each other, and she saw a text conversation that I had with a friend of mine talking about how I didn't love her and wasn't sure I wanted to stay with her.

We've been together 4 years now. The only major difference I've noticed since having the baby is her anxiety has gone through the freaking roof and she's afraid to be alone. For example, she wanted to talk a shower in the night cause the baby threw up on her or something, and she bawled until I would go sit on the toilet while she did because she was afraid someone would come kill her or something.

Some of the comments here are awesome. Duct tape. I need more duct tape LoL

There has been some good advice on this board, but I have to say, being married, there is a lot of trial and error.

Being catholic(non-practicing at the time of marriage) to a practicing catholic, I had to go through the tomfoolery of the classes in order to get married in a catholic church, a 10hr meeting with 20 other couples on a Saturday with about 4-5 couples from the church. They were probably my parents age and grandparents age, telling us, all you do is this or that and pray together ect ect.
Marriage doesn't work that way, imo. It is about one thing, not being selfish. Being there, when your other half has a problem, and helping them through it. If they have anxiety, talk with them and help them through it, or seek out a therapist(they do help). I would say, if you have a kid, and you are fairly young(like myself), and you have not been married long, try not to be come a statistic of divorce and seek therapy.

When you find your other half, it is magical, unexplainable. I would do whatever I would have to, in order for us not to grow apart, and it is a 2-way street, imo.


Edit: And never go to bed angry at the other, make sure you say I love you before bed.

 

[justbob]

Lawd knows, I know about duct tape.. :laugh2:

Ok --coming from my point of view and how I have seen it used in the past --scary-----
Think I will leave it at that and go back to my original advice -----cleanse your mind of all you have seen here and never come back here for advice again.....And you might want to go over what you expect with your new wife if you don't...