Kellen Moore's plan to KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE
-Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
-Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does.
-Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it".
-Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom drawing up plays."
-Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye".
- "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
-Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
-Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
-When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!".
-Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
-Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
-Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
-While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
-tap onhis glass eyeoccasionally with his pen while talking to others.
-When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."
-Say to Jason Garrett, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
-Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".
-Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?".
-Practice making fake whistle noises.
-Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
-Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
-Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
-Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
-Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
-Staple playbnooks in the middle of the page.
-Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make an adjustment inside the redzone.
-TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
-type only in lowercase.
-dont use any punctuation either
-Repeat the following conversation a few times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
-As much as possible, skip rather than walk during practice.
-When practice is nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
-Ask people what gender they are.
-While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet or Jason Garrett and clap.
-Sit in the Star parking lot at lunch time .....pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
-Ask co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
-Try some of the following exercises... not only will it make meetings more interesting but your fellow teammates will become suddenly more alert and maintain a respectful distance. By following these simple guidelines during important meetings, you too can be an unmitigated success:
Discreetly clasp hold of someone's hand and whisper: 'can you feel it?' from the corner of your mouth.
Draw enormous genitalia on your notepad and discreetly show it to the person next to you for their approval.
When refreshments are presented, immediately distribute one biscuit to each of the attendees, then systematically smash each one with your fist in front of them.
Chew tobacco.
Wear a hands free phone headset throughout once in a while drift off into an unrelated conversation, such as: 'I don't care if there are no dwarfs, just get the show done!'
Write the words 'he fancies you' on your pad and show it to the person next to you while indicating with your pen.
Respond to a serious question with: 'I don't know what to say, obviously I'm flattered, but it's all happened so fast'.
Use Nam style jargon such as 'what's the ETA?', 'who's on recon?' & Charlie don't surf'.
Reconstruct the meeting in front of him using action figures and when anyone moves re-arrange the figures accordingly.
Shave one of his forearms.
Draw a chalk circle around one of the chairs then avoid sitting on it, when the meeting starts. When someone does eventually sit in it, cover his mouth and gasp.
Turn his back on the meeting and sit facing the window with his legs stretched out. Announce that he 'loves this dirty town'.
Walk directly up to a colleague and stand nose to nose with him for 1 minute.
Mount the desk and walk along its length before taking a seat.
Reflect sunlight into everyone's eyes off his watch face.
Gargle with water.
Gradually push himself closer and closer to the door out of the meeting room.
Hum throughout.
Pull out a large roll of bank notes and count them demonstratively.
Bend momentarily under the table then emerge wearing contact lenses that white out your eyes.
Drop meaningless & confusing management speak into conversations such as:' what's the margin, Stephen?" When's this turkey going to get basted?" If we don't get this brook babbling we're all going to end up looking like doe-eyed labradors'
Produce a grenade from his pocket and suggest throwing it to one another as a means of idea-exchange.
Use a large hunting knife to point at visual aids.