If you are married....

[tunahelper]

Leap of faith brother.

Find someone who you don't fight with. Someone who has alot of the same interests. Someone who isn't high strung.

Marriage is a long slide down a hill. You want to do it with someone who can whether the bumps and not go bat **** crazy at the drop of a hat.

I agree with this post. My wife and I dated from my age 18-23, then split and dated again from 28-32 after I matured. It was apparent to me my party ways were the issue and I realized being friends is VERY important. When love and like it makes it work.

 

[ethiostar]

What?

What what?

 

[Yeagermeister]

What?

http://img.***BLOCKED***/albums/v316/Yeagermeister/Stone_Cold_Steve_Austin1-1.jpg

 

[Joe Realist]

If you are married or been in a long relationship how long did it take you to say this is the one for me? Meaning I'm going to marry this person or commit to this person and no one else.

As some of us like to say, when did you decide to turn in your player's card

Did you know right away, months, years???

Sometimes you know right away, sometimes it hits you one day.

My 2 cents:

1.) Many people get caught up in planning for the wedding rather than the marriage. Don't make that mistake
2.) Talk about everything in advance; kids, finances, career aspirations. Try to come to an understanding early and it will help you both later.
3.) Don't compromise yourself, your dreams, your passions, heck even your friends and family to make someone happy. If you do, they are not the " one " .
4.) Don't forget to " date " her well after you are married.

If you are thinking of getting hitched, congratulations in advance!

Just don't play any heavy metal at the wedding. Hostile will understand what I am saying.

 

[SLATEmosphere]

Met my girlfriend at the grocery store. I knew within 10 minutes she was "the one". We've been together 2 years now.

 

[Mavs Man]

I saw my wife at a dance and knew I was going to marry her. I even told my Mom that the next day. A week later I asked her out and 5 weeks after that we were engaged. We got married 2 and a half months after that and in December it will be 19 years.

There's no clock on love. You know when it happens to you.

Sheesh, and I thought we were quick. Knew it after a few weeks she was it for me. Proposal after three months and wedding after six.

Just celebrated our fourth anniversary last week in Colorado.

 

[DemonBlood]

You wouldn't get nothing but bad advice from me. I can't even handle a long normal relationship let alone a marriage. This is how every long relationship I have ever had goes for me:

I meet the woman. I then think she's the "one". We both have a great few months together. She then asks to move in. I stupidly say yes. A couple weeks later I feel the walls closing in on me for no reason and get claustrophobic. I then cheat on her on purpose just to end the relationship.

rinse, repeat.

If karma is real...I have a lot of bad karma coming my way.

 

[YosemiteSam]

You wouldn't get nothing but bad advice from me. I can't even handle a long normal relationship let alone a marriage. This is how every long relationship I have ever had goes for me:

I meet the woman. I then think she's the "one". We both have a great few months together. She then asks to move in. I stupidly say yes. A couple weeks later I feel the walls closing in on me for no reason and get claustrophobic. I then cheat on her on purpose just to end the relationship.

rinse, repeat.

If karma is real...I have a lot of bad karma coming my way.

You're karma is coming by way of a Mack truck.

 

[Bizwah]

Not really. Most of this you could sum up with a simple "live and let live", "mind you own business" and "tend to your own affairs" type of living.

For instance.................when you take you marriage vows, most vows have something or other to do with "do you hereby sweareth, through sickness and health, good times or bad, up and down, no matter what...........do you hereby swear to love this person with all fidelity, etc, etc, etc..........."

Never once do the vows say "as long as she does too". It's all on YOU. Has nothing to do with what the other person does or doesn't do. It's not a conditional promise. It's a "VOW" that YOU make, no matter if the other person EVER lives up to their vow. Think about that.....................

Now, just imaging if BOTH parties live up to THAT. THAT'S what make a real marriage. So long as your attitude is along the lines of "ME???? What about HER????" You're marriage will NEVER work like that. THAT'S the business world..........you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours. I'll do my job so long as you do yours, but if you let up your end, then I'm not going to do my part. That's called bartering and making deals. That's not a marriage.

A marriage is "I love you" whether or not the other EVER lives up to their end of the bargain. If both parties can wrap their brain around THAT, you'll have a blissful marriage.

Good post.

I knew within a couple of dates that my wife was the "one". My dad after meeting her for ten minutes pulled me aside and said, "You better marry this one." She and my dad get along wonderfully.

Anyway, you're absolutely right. Marriage is NOT a fifty-fifty proposition. It is a 100% total commitment on YOUR part. You don't worry about them.

I've been married 13 years to my wife. We've not had one major argument. I think that's due to the fact that we are really looking out for what's best for each other and our kids. Not once have I worried about what's best for me, or what's in it for me.

My wife is the exact same way. She was the one that encouraged me to get the Sunday Ticket...she was the one that said I ought to buy tickets to watch the Cowboys....

 

[DFWJC]

If you are married or been in a long relationship how long did it take you to say this is the one for me? Meaning I'm going to marry this person or commit to this person and no one else.

As some of us like to say, when did you decide to turn in your player's card

Did you know right away, months, years???

Stayed single until I was in my forties....so just by number of years alone, I dated a ton of (too many?) women.

I met my wife on an international flight and after less than 3 months of dating, I felt that I knew for sure she was the one. Truth is, I had that feeling she could be it after just a few days. I still waited a full year to get engaged. I'd been around long enough to know the difference between infatuation and something much deeper. I've had a lot of friends say the same thing...but I'm sure no two couples are alike.

 

[ArmyCowboy]

I thought it was the day she handed you your restraining order

Nothing says, "I love you" like a restraining order!

 

[Yeagermeister]

Nothing says, "I love you" like a restraining order!

Or a kick in the nads

 

[YosemiteSam]

Or a kick in the nads

Or a visit from a Hitman. :laugh2:

 

[Yeagermeister]

Or a visit from a Hitman. :laugh2:

You wouldn't feel that for long......just ask Tony Soprano :laugh2:

 

[FloridaRob]

I met my wife in April 1990 and married her 5 months later. She was the most gorgeous blonde I had ever seen and I knew she was the one. Loving somebody is the easy part of a relationship. The hardest part is the work involved. . Some people say that you have to give 50/50 to make it work. That is wrong. You have to give 100/100 to make it work and it is a 365 days a year job. And if you don't give your all, expect failure.

19 yrs later, she is the best thing that ever happened to me. I could never imagine living a day without her. My will states that if I die before her, I want to be cremated, put in an urn and then put in the casket with her (and her purse) when she dies. And if she goes before me, I want to be cremated and my ashes spread at the foot of her grave.

I don't think anybody knows for certain that instant when you absolutly know, but you should know if she is worth working your butt off for the rest of your life to make her feel special. And if you aren't, move on until you meet somebody that you will feel that way about.

 

[LittleBoyBlue]

I will have to get back to you guys on this one.

Giving that the world is heading more and more towards and individualistic society. One that has been on a 50-50 divorce rate for how many years now?

What will the internet and accessibility do to marriage and divorce... say in 10 years.

With that said, I still believe that the right two people can make it in spite of what is happening with the current social construct.

 

[lewpac]

I will have to get back to you guys on this one.

Giving that the world is heading more and more towards and individualistic society. One that has been on a 50-50 divorce rate for how many years now?

What will the internet and accessibility do to marriage and divorce... say in 10 years.

With that said, I still believe that the right two people can make it in spite of what is happening with the current social construct.

Yeah, but why concentrate on the "50 percent" failure rate? 50% success ain't that bad. You could be a part of that.

Marriage ain't that hard. Just wake up every day thinking "what can I do for her" today. Imagine if she thought the same thing. "What can I do today to make his life better?" That's not an unimaginable scenario. It's a simple trick to turn. If you have that.............BINGO! No problem.

Of course, all this is contingent upon the fact that you've done the proper courtship and are going to marry someone who has survived your investigation. You're pulling the trigger based upon reasonable facts. You're not marrying some psycho, but rather moving forward based upon an informed decision.

You have every right to "investigate" and "research" this person your about to spend the rest of you life with. It's a free country. You know, "Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". I get to "pursuit happiness" if I want. So, I'm "checking you out" and investigating before I pull that trigger about marriage.

OK. "Will you marry me???" Just make sure that the other person is comfortable in their own skin, doesn't need YOU for validation, and is at peace with who they are. In other words, if you die and aren't there tomorrow, will she STILL function well and carry on? If that's the case, then go ahead and get married. If she "needs" you and leans upon you to be whole, then don't do it....................

 

[LittleBoyBlue]

Yeah, but why concentrate on the "50 percent" failure rate? 50% success ain't that bad. You could be a part of that.

Marriage ain't that hard. Just wake up every day thinking "what can I do for her" today. Imagine if she thought the same thing. "What can I do today to make his life better?" That's not an unimaginable scenario. It's a simple trick to turn. If you have that.............BINGO! No problem.

Of course, all this is contingent upon the fact that you've done the proper courtship and are going to marry someone who has survived your investigation. You're pulling the trigger based upon reasonable facts. You're not marrying some psycho, but rather moving forward based upon an informed decision.

You have every right to "investigate" and "research" this person your about to spend the rest of you life with. It's a free country. You know, "Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". I get to "pursuit happiness" if I want. So, I'm "checking you out" and investigating before I pull that trigger about marriage.

OK. "Will you marry me???" Just make sure that the other person is comfortable in their own skin, doesn't need YOU for validation, and is at peace with who they are. In other words, if you die and aren't there tomorrow, will she STILL function well and carry on? If that's the case, then go ahead and get married. If she "needs" you and leans upon you to be whole, then don't do it....................

Most certainly not concentrating on the 50% failure rate. I was pointing out that is what it was pre internet and I would venture to guess that it is climbing or will climb due to the internet. Thats not a stretch IMO.

I agree. I believe in the "what can I do for her?" and then it being reciprocated. I just havent found the one that is worth that and me worth that for them. Timing, chance or fate... whatever you want to call it - IT hasnt happened yet for me... like many others.

(I actually have enjoyed putting my serious relationships up on a pedestal in the past. I feel that a guy should do that. Women want that. So when I meet a great one. She gets that treatment. Effortlessly.)



I enjoyed your post. Good insight.

I will disagree with the end somewhat. While you shouldn't NEED someone to validate you. IF you find someone that is truly for you then you are on another level... so in my mind the connection is so real that you WANT validation from them and vice versa. A real "you complete me" scenario. AGAIN, not needed but wanted. The need and want is very tricky out there. Two completely different things.

I see alot of people leading with the "need" instead of just "wanting" first... the need can come but it has to be later.

 

[lewpac]

Most certainly not concentrating on the 50% failure rate. I was pointing out that is what it was pre internet and I would venture to guess that it is climbing or will climb due to the internet. Thats not a stretch IMO.

I agree. I believe in the "what can I do for her?" and then it being reciprocated. I just havent found the one that is worth that and me worth that for them. Timing, chance or fate... whatever you want to call it - IT hasnt happened yet for me... like many others.

(I actually have enjoyed putting my serious relationships up on a pedestal in the past. I feel that a guy should do that. Women want that. So when I meet a great one. She gets that treatment. Effortlessly.)



I enjoyed your post. Good insight.

I will disagree with the end somewhat. While you shouldn't NEED someone to validate you. IF you find someone that is truly for you then you are on another level... so in my mind the connection is so real that you WANT validation from them and vice versa. A real "you complete me" scenario. AGAIN, not needed but wanted. The need and want is very tricky out there. Two completely different things.

I see alot of people leading with the "need" instead of just "wanting" first... the need can come but it has to be later.

I see your take on the need/validation angle. I probably could have said it better, because your of course correct that it IS important to have the validation of your spouse. In general, everyone want to be liked, thought well of, respected, etc..............not only in their marriage, but the entire family and community at large. It's just human nature and certainly isn't come character failing to seek validation and acceptance.

Honestly, I was thinking of and speaking about this subject from the springboard of my first marriage. It was one of those kid-marriages. Too young, should've never been married to begin with. We were around 20 & 21 years old, and the whole mess lasted only a few years. No kids thank God, no property or holdings..........so the split was pretty easy.

But this gal!!!! EVERYTHING about her happiness, well being, satisfaction, etc............EVERYTHING was contingent upon ME. And she got nastier and nastier about it as time went by. It was ugly. It got to the point that if I didn't walk this way, talk that way, comb my hair the right way, chewed my food a certain way, etc...................If I didn't live my life according to HER dictates, then "I didn't love her" and the fight de jour would break out. Of course, it got to the point that it was just the way I had to live. I was constantly on pins and needles waiting for the next shoe to drop. I made the mistake of falling for it and psycologically found myself living my life doing NOTHING buy trying to make her happy or avoiding the next eruption.

The day I woke up and said "Enough already. This is the best your gonna' get doll. I'm DONE chasing this never-ending rabbit. No more changing or litmus tests or hoops I have to jump through"..............that day was effectively the end of our marriage. We limped on for another year or so, but HER definition of a "marriage" was now gone, and that started the divorce era. That's when I realized that, had I not woke up and made THAT announcement, that this would've went on and on forever. Because it wasn't the "things" about me she wanted me to continually re-arrange, it was the ACTUAL power trip and life she wanted. To always have something over me to ***** about. So, no matter WHAT I did to keep her happy or keep her quite, it would never be enough. She wouldn't be able to sleep at night unless she had something over me that always concluded with "You don't love me" because of whatever the issue was NOW!!

Anyway, sorry for the rant. I came out of it on the other side pretty unscathed. A few scars (literally, in the flesh) here and there, but I was young enough to just move on.

 

[CoCo]

Some good guidelines here, but I don't believe there are many if any absolutes. Every person is different. Every relationship is different. Yes, consider the counsel of others. But ultimately, you're going to have to find your own answers within. And take the risk...

For me, I did the best I knew how in making my decision and it has worked out well. It'll be 25 years of marriage on September 1 after dating for 4 years. She'd been on my radar for a couple years before that. We were both 25 when we took the plunge.

I told my wife on our 2nd date that I was serious about our relationship. I wanted her to know exactly what I was in this for. Still, we dated for 4 years. That was driven as much by finishing school, starting careers etc. That's not the only way to do it, it was just our way.

One thing I'll add that I haven't heard others say. Knowing someone before you commit only goes so far. What you know is what you can see at the time and hopefully recognize. But there is much more that is unknown and will be revealed in time and through circumstances. Do people change or is their reality revealed? I don't know. It doesn't really matter. The point is that there is more there than you can see.

There have been times I think I found the perfect mate for me and other times when I think it was a mistake. Relationship is such a unique blend of individuals discovering and working out who they are in the same room. Its glorious at times and really messy and painful at times.

I should qualify all the above with, 'its been my experience..." because as I stated earlier I think things can look very, very different from person to person, union to union.