Morning Pops and welcome to your Monday walkers, freezer bandits and bug bait from the weekend. Mercy me, after the weekend y'all had, work must be a relief.
Speaking of bugs, and several of us were, if you didn't participate you have no one to blame but yourself. I may have mentioned this but I am borderline an arachnophobic, and don't care much for spiders either, and a couple of years ago when I was thinking about buying a house down here, and thankfully did not, one of the coolest houses I saw was off by itself and backed up to some woods, there were about 15 deer grazing, with a lookout established for murderers in orange vests, and it was like being in "Bambi".
Well, the more I thought about this house with a very cool covered patio with outdoor kitchen, fireplace, 50" mounted flat screen and completely furnished, the more I could see me there every Sat and Sun in the season. What I didn't see was what was lurking in the brick firewood storage area next to the fireplace until I returned and started planning the placement of my outdoor cooking apparatus.....and myself every weekend.
I went down the steps to check out this hot tub pad, turned to come back up the stairs and just happened to glance at the woodbin and there it was. I froze in mid step and immediately channeled the little fly, with the human head in "The Fly", and began to whimper "help me, help me, heeeelllllpppp mmmmmeeeeeeee!
There, not moving and I figured if it wasn't I wasn't either, was the largest non tarantula I have ever seen. It was easily as big as my hand, if I could have stretched my fingers out instead of my hands being balled into fists and my face frozen in a silent scream. I didn't know if it was dead or alive but if it was dead, I was terrified of the zombie apocalypse assuming that would be the first thing to come back. I backed down the stairs, never taking my eyes off the beast, and I stumbled on a step and caught myself but immediately surmised it had seen me. It had waited in it's lair for some unsuspecting house hunter to show up and had probably killed and eaten the people who'd lived here before and God knows how many realtors.
So since I was stumbling down, the right direction to escape certain doom, I just kept going as fast as my bad hip could carry me, now concerned that if it saw me limping it would surmise I was easy prey. I hauled butt to my car, jumped in, cranked it and left like I was cashing a Powerball winning ticket.
That night the realtor was supposed to call me for an answer about making an offer. I sat there in the dark, watching the phone in silence and thinking about leaving a voicemail that I had decided to move out of the country. That, was the last house I looked at and decided being a homeowner was too hazardous as I never heard of renters being killed and eaten by a giant spider.