Morning Pops and all those in need of a funny story.
So, since I am a liberated man, aka FVP (Fully Vaccinated Person), I hit the car wash for the first time yesterday for the full treatment and sat outside as it was a magnificent day weather wise. Everyone in the village had decided to get their vehicle washed yesterday as well. I had noticed a rather large woman behind me in a fire engine red truck and a woman standing outside her passenger window having a rather heated discussion, equally as large. This was her daughter as I was to discover who had followed her mother to the car wash but wasn't getting her car washed. Odd, I thought but ten minutes around these two and that was not odd at all. There should have been a local ordinance in place prohibiting these two from ever inhabiting the same vehicle, home or county.
I would guess the mother at early 40's and the daughter early 20's and neither cared about airing their dirty laundry in public because they were talking loudly, not yelling exactly but if I were to guess at the level that crosses over into yelling, they were there. And this went on when the mother got out of her truck and started into the car wash to pay, it never let up. They carried this out to the outside area and sat in chairs 6' apart and now felt the need to cross the yelling line,
It seems that the mother thought the daughter was a bad judge of men. (From looking at the two of them, I assumed the mother wasn't any better a judge of men and if the father wasn't incarcerated, had run off and I could not blame him. In fact, had he committed a crime to get caught and get away from them, I completely understood it).
I am telling you, listening to them and not looking at them was the toughest task I faced yesterday because it was beyond entertaining but was about to get a cherry on top.
The daughter, obviously frustrated, stands up and announces "well, I am tired of this and going to Walmart, you need anything". The Walmart was across the street and I assumed the real reason she followed her mother to the car wash. Now, my ears perked up because I have told y'all about my experiences with large people, Walmart and food in OK and it's been 5 years since I'd had that pleasure. The comeback of Twinkies and Blue Bell Ice Cream are my two fondest memories of my time in OK.....carnage and gluttony.
I cannot capture in the written word how this woman made her request but I will try. You had to be there but I am glad you weren't or we would have been hysterical and probably gotten crossways with this woman and I wasn't entirely sure she hadn't killed and eaten the father of her child. Just the way she talked to the fruit of her loins told me that if I wasn't careful, I'd be a welcome mat at the single wide. They'd mentioned "the trailer" several times.
She pulls out her phone and says "Git the big package of bloney and Murican cheese but not the single wrapped ones, they charge you extra for that. (She was right, btw) Git the thin sliced white bread, there's fewer carbs in that(right again) and git them Oreos but git the ones made my Walmart, they put more stuff in the middle" (hence the need for the thinner bread?)
The daughter was typing something like crazy and I assumed this was like dictation and she had to get it perfect or face the wrath of "these here cookies ain't got as much fillin'".
The daughter turns to go to her car and gets about 15' away and the mother yells at her "Gloriana, (a much prettier name than the girl) get me some tampons too". OK, now I am so close to the edge, the only thing saving me is she's facing away from me but the daughter is looking right at me. She looks at her mother and back at me with a look I can only describe as "go ahead, laugh you old sob, we'll grab you and make a wish". But the mother wasn't done yet because as her daughter went another 5', she yells "and git the Walmart tampons, them super ones"! Now, this is the first thing that hadn't been a surprise since I had arrived at the car wash.
You might be asking "how can you remember the conversation"? Don't have to, I recorded it on my phone. I flipped it on record the minute they followed me out and sat down because I figured this was going to get better. I just hoped no one called and ruined it.
I have played that back three times already and it's as good as one of my favorite stand up comedians, only they're trying to be funny. As I listened to it, I thought 'ya know, that could be one of Carol Lawrence's skits with Vicki but not been as funny as the real thing'.
Ain't nothin' as funny as real life.
