Separated/Divorce

lukin2006

lukin2006

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Runwildboys said:
I suppose it's possible she didn't say anything just in case she changes her mind, but all the evidence you've presented thus far would strenuously suggest otherwise. If I were in your shoes, I'd try to avoid even entertaining that notion.

Let me put it this way: If she has doubts at all, she'll voice them to you, once it dawns on her exactly how much she stands to lose. But I wouldn't count on it. Until then, stay strong and proud!
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She has to come to me ... but part of the reason I choose the lawyer I choose because if she suspects that either side or both sides has doubts she tries to intervene and strongly encourages/refer clients to counselling services...The process will continue buy if my wife comes to me and wants too try counselling I will keep an open mind...until then I'll just wait and see.
 
CouchCoach

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lukin2006 said:
She has to come to me ... but part of the reason I choose the lawyer I choose because if she suspects that either side or both sides has doubts she tries to intervene and strongly encourages/refer clients to counselling services...The process will continue buy if my wife comes to me and wants too try counselling I will keep an open mind...until then I'll just wait and see.
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Sounds like the thing to do. That's some ride you're on and sometimes best to just relax a little and not fight it.

But it shouldn't be about "what she stands to lose" unless the very top of that list is you. I have friends in marriages of convenience, mostly for financial reasons, and while they are not at war, they are still not happy. That is why I asked you up front if you are happy, Might be that you are happier with her than you will be without her but that isn't necessarily happy.

And there's nothing as elusive as happiness. I've had friends in these discussions and they can't see happiness, don't know what it even looks like, they just know what unhappiness looks like.

I've had these longtime friends from college, married pretty young and divorced after 10 years and both remarried and divorced from those and remarried each other 20 years later. The woman talked to my wife a lot more than he talked to me about what they went through emotionally but she told my wife she did not realize that she was happy, as happy as she was ever going to be, with him.

It is as if this "Happiness Illusion" hangs out there for us. Others seem happier than we are. We feel we are settling for less happiness. They're not making me happy so I need to find someone else to do that. We are not only responsible for our own happiness but the perception of what that really is. And too often change = happiness only to find out another facet of the illusion.

So, lukin, you need to do that self assessment and evaluation of your own happiness. It's all about you and what you need to be happy. And just from what you've shared here, you also need to define the difference between being alone and loneliness for you. The absence of loneliness is not necessarily the presence of another person.
 
GMO415

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I've seen more and more couples file for divorce after 23+ years of marriage. It just seems strange to me.
 
Runwildboys

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CouchCoach said:
Sounds like the thing to do. That's some ride you're on and sometimes best to just relax a little and not fight it.

But it shouldn't be about "what she stands to lose" unless the very top of that list is you. I have friends in marriages of convenience, mostly for financial reasons, and while they are not at war, they are still not happy. That is why I asked you up front if you are happy, Might be that you are happier with her than you will be without her but that isn't necessarily happy.

And there's nothing as elusive as happiness. I've had friends in these discussions and they can't see happiness, don't know what it even looks like, they just know what unhappiness looks like.

I've had these longtime friends from college, married pretty young and divorced after 10 years and both remarried and divorced from those and remarried each other 20 years later. The woman talked to my wife a lot more than he talked to me about what they went through emotionally but she told my wife she did not realize that she was happy, as happy as she was ever going to be, with him.

It is as if this "Happiness Illusion" hangs out there for us. Others seem happier than we are. We feel we are settling for less happiness. They're not making me happy so I need to find someone else to do that. We are not only responsible for our own happiness but the perception of what that really is. And too often change = happiness only to find out another facet of the illusion.

So, lukin, you need to do that self assessment and evaluation of your own happiness. It's all about you and what you need to be happy. And just from what you've shared here, you also need to define the difference between being alone and loneliness for you. The absence of loneliness is not necessarily the presence of another person.
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I was referring to Lukin himself, and their relationship, when I said "all she has to lose."
 
GMO415

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Around work if you pass the 10 year mark we'll say...."it's cheaper to keep her."
 
Reverend Conehead

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Sorry to hear about this, man. Divorce and breakups and any kind of loss of love are one of the hardest things in life to deal with. Hang in there. Talk to friends and family if you need to. Don't do what I did and try to handle it all alone.
 
CouchCoach

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GMO415 said:
I've seen more and more couples file for divorce after 23+ years of marriage. It just seems strange to me.
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People grow together or they grow apart. My wife raised me so we had an advantage but I've known some that really ended up not liking each other, there might still have been some love there but they just didn't want to be around each other.

I was lucky because my wife was my best friend and but unlucky when I lost both at the same time.

I tell you what I couldn't handle in any woman, being boring. There are a lot of boring people, they actually like being boring. I've know some boring couples and that makes sense but when I encounter one that has one interesting and the other boring, I wonder how that works. And most of the time, the boring one is the man. I hope that when he's away form home he's all hand buzzers, whoopie cushions and lampshades but egads man, around his wife, he's a stump.
 
lukin2006

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I see my lawyer Friday at 10. Sadly this is a necessary step. I never thought I'd need a lawyer to negotiate a separation agreement.
 
lukin2006

lukin2006

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CouchCoach said:
Sounds like the thing to do. That's some ride you're on and sometimes best to just relax a little and not fight it.

But it shouldn't be about "what she stands to lose" unless the very top of that list is you. I have friends in marriages of convenience, mostly for financial reasons, and while they are not at war, they are still not happy. That is why I asked you up front if you are happy, Might be that you are happier with her than you will be without her but that isn't necessarily happy.

And there's nothing as elusive as happiness. I've had friends in these discussions and they can't see happiness, don't know what it even looks like, they just know what unhappiness looks like.

I've had these longtime friends from college, married pretty young and divorced after 10 years and both remarried and divorced from those and remarried each other 20 years later. The woman talked to my wife a lot more than he talked to me about what they went through emotionally but she told my wife she did not realize that she was happy, as happy as she was ever going to be, with him.

It is as if this "Happiness Illusion" hangs out there for us. Others seem happier than we are. We feel we are settling for less happiness. They're not making me happy so I need to find someone else to do that. We are not only responsible for our own happiness but the perception of what that really is. And too often change = happiness only to find out another facet of the illusion.

So, lukin, you need to do that self assessment and evaluation of your own happiness. It's all about you and what you need to be happy. And just from what you've shared here, you also need to define the difference between being alone and loneliness for you. The absence of loneliness is not necessarily the presence of another person.
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Thank you for your reply. I have been doing plenty of self assessment. Yes, I am happy in my marriage. If she is not happy and really wants out I will not fight that...I do not want to live with someone that is not happy...I just want her to be sure. She has plenty to lose in a divorce. I guess thats why I don't understand why she rules out marriage counselling. It is also possible that the marriage has to hit rock bottom before we can move forward.
 
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