Separated/Divorce

[lukin2006]

No no no, don't go there. You do not want to get back into this marriage. It's time to part ways.

I spent the last few minutes really thinking of what you posted. You know I'm inclined to agree. I have busted my tail off for her to try to make this marriage work ... and she has not reciprocated the effort. In the end it takes 2 to make a marriage work...also she's an adult, why should I be worried the cost of this divorce will be to her...

 

[lukin2006]

Once again I want to thank everyone for their great advice and support. For the last 6 months I felt alone in this battle, but opening up here on this website has given me the confidence to seek legal advice (even if it does end the marriage for good) ... I know I will be fine once this is behind me ... I just don't like turmoil, and for the last year it's been turmoil. My instructions to my lawyer tomorrow will be to proceed to get me the best agreement possible, if she can keep me in the house and somehow remove my soon too be ex from the equation then I might stay for now.

The thing is I love my Dad and sister ... they are just not very good at dealing with the emotions of life and marriage...

I'm also a solitary person. I am very comfortable being by myself. People can be hard work for me. Mainly because I suck at small talk and all that jazz that so many people are really good at. I also think that is part of the problem ... my wife doesn't understand that some of us are solitary people...

 

[Runwildboys]

You might be right.

It's happened before....Might happen again someday.

 

[kskboys]

Once again I want to thank everyone for their great advice and support. For the last 6 months I felt alone in this battle, but opening up here on this website has given me the confidence to seek legal advice (even if it does end the marriage for good) ... I know I will be fine once this is behind me ... I just don't like turmoil, and for the last year it's been turmoil. My instructions to my lawyer tomorrow will be to proceed to get me the best agreement possible, if she can keep me in the house and somehow remove my soon too be ex from the equation then I might stay for now.

The thing is I love my Dad and sister ... they are just not very good at dealing with the emotions of life and marriage...

I'm also a solitary person. I am very comfortable being by myself. People can be hard work for me. Mainly because I suck at small talk and all that jazz that so many people are really good at. I also think that is part of the problem ... my wife doesn't understand that some of us are solitary people...

Be fair. Give her what you feel she needs to help her move on. Being petty or small or vengeful will make you feel worse in the long run. Firm, fair, and handle it so you can live w/ it.

It will be easy for you to take advantage as I highly doubt she's equipped to fight you legally.

 

[Runwildboys]

I wasn't expecting it to happen again so soon!

 

[CouchCoach]

Thank you for your reply. I have been doing plenty of self assessment. Yes, I am happy in my marriage. If she is not happy and really wants out I will not fight that...I do not want to live with someone that is not happy...I just want her to be sure. She has plenty to lose in a divorce. I guess thats why I don't understand why she rules out marriage counselling. It is also possible that the marriage has to hit rock bottom before we can move forward.

I believe it's all about energy. Do I put energy in trying to save something or into something new? Your marriage is important to you, you are willing to invest the time to see if it can be saved and she does not seem to be interested in doing that.

And lukin, the easy thing to fall into is the "is it me? thinking that so many of us succumb to not allowing for the probability it is the other person. You want to save it, get it back to where you two were really happy but people change over time and not always for the better. I hesitate to hand out advice to someone making a major decision like this but it looks like there is only one person interested in saving the relationship. Your energy might be best invested in someone else after this unhappiness ends for you.

 

[lukin2006]

I believe it's all about energy. Do I put energy in trying to save something or into something new? Your marriage is important to you, you are willing to invest the time to see if it can be saved and she does not seem to be interested in doing that.

And lukin, the easy thing to fall into is the "is it me? thinking that so many of us succumb to not allowing for the probability it is the other person. You want to save it, get it back to where you two were really happy but people change over time and not always for the better. I hesitate to hand out advice to someone making a major decision like this but it looks like there is only one person interested in saving the relationship. Your energy might be best invested in someone else after this unhappiness ends for you.

Thank you for your reply. You are a 100% correct. I told my Dad today that the marriage us absolutely over. I am admitting the marriage is done and I'm fine with that. My Dad made me an incredible offer. He wants to buy a condo and for me to move in with him. Seems like it might be a good move.

 

[Runwildboys]

Thank you for your reply. You are a 100% correct. I told my Dad today that the marriage us absolutely over. I am admitting the marriage is done and I'm fine with that. My Dad made me an incredible offer. He wants to buy a condo and for me to move in with him. Seems like it might be a good move.

If you think you can get along with each other, that's perfect!

 

[lukin2006]

Be fair. Give her what you feel she needs to help her move on. Being petty or small or vengeful will make you feel worse in the long run. Firm, fair, and handle it so you can live w/ it.

It will be easy for you to take advantage as I highly doubt she's equipped to fight you legally.

I agree. I just want her to deal with me fairly. I have been trying to get her to call me to discuss this house. She will not call.

 

[lukin2006]

Update:

Today has been a long day. Met my lawyer, says the deal my wife and I have is pretty close to accurate. She says I might have to chase her to honour ... but it is very expensive to get a separation agreement done...and we have one thats fair, my wife just needs to honour it. My lawyer was real perplexed as to why she left my off her benefits...she can leave me on till the divorce...so I'll go with status quo. I will be changing my living arrangements at some point. I have been trying to get her to call and discuss the house, she will not call. The last conversation I had a week ago was us ending it, and now she seems super ticked...do not know what to make of if.

 

[CouchCoach]

Thank you for your reply. You are a 100% correct. I told my Dad today that the marriage us absolutely over. I am admitting the marriage is done and I'm fine with that. My Dad made me an incredible offer. He wants to buy a condo and for me to move in with him. Seems like it might be a good move.

Sounds great, my Dad would have paid gypsies to take me but I was a very immature young man. It's like that old saying "I was amazed when I grew up how much my old man had learned".

 

[calico]

I was divorced 12 years ago. It was mutual.

Happily (or somewhat pathetically) I’ve never missed my ex and we haven’t communicated in any way for 10 years. Shortly thereafter I hooked up with an old girl friend. That lasted about a year and was much more painful when it ended.

I haven’t dated—nor really wanted to—since then. 10 years...no women in my life.

I’m the type of man who enjoys my solitary time. I don’t often feel lonely, but sometimes I wonder if I should try again. Tonight has been one of those times.

I am the same. I had three really long relationships over the past 20 years that all ended very badly. Luckily, I was smart enough not to get married or I would have 3 divorces under my belt but they did cost me a lot of close friends with betrayals.
My last girlfriend and I went on a break for a month in late 2016 only to have her get knocked up by a one night stand and keep the kid, expecting me to just get back with her and be the kid's father while the real dad skipped out immediately.

The ex before that has been riding a roller coaster with me since 2001 and always keeps coming back to me every 3 years or so. Funny enough, she cheated on her fiancé, a fellow CowboysZoner with me a few years ago. I had no idea she was engaged at the time and spent the weekend in the colony at her place and logged onto her laptop to find the Cowboyszone open in a browsing tab...that was when she told me she was actually engaged...and I have always wondered who the forum member is who dated her in 2014 haha.

All these bad relationships have caused me to just keep to my self the past couple years and enjoying being alone. I feel nothing towards women, currently, other than carnal lust...nothing emotional. I have not yet met one recently who makes me feel anything inside at all. I've been spending the free time working out more and bettering myself so that I can meet some new and better women.

I am tired of dating the current trend of 30 something women who dress and act like they are still 21.

 

[Runwildboys]

Update:

Today has been a long day. Met my lawyer, says the deal my wife and I have is pretty close to accurate. She says I might have to chase her to honour ... but it is very expensive to get a separation agreement done...and we have one thats fair, my wife just needs to honour it. My lawyer was real perplexed as to why she left my off her benefits...she can leave me on till the divorce...so I'll go with status quo. I will be changing my living arrangements at some point. I have been trying to get her to call and discuss the house, she will not call. The last conversation I had a week ago was us ending it, and now she seems super ticked...do not know what to make of if.

Maybe she wanted you to hurt more? I say don't give her the satisfaction.

 

[lukin2006]

Maybe she wanted you to hurt more? I say don't give her the satisfaction.

All she has be doing for last few months is to try and hurt me. I'm not giving her the satisfaction. I also wonder if hearing me say the marriage was over was not what she really wanted to hear...anyways her loss.

 

[Runwildboys]

All she has be doing for last few months is to try and hurt me. I'm not giving her the satisfaction. I also wonder if hearing me say the marriage was over was not what she really wanted to hear...anyways her loss.

That's what I'm saying. I think maybe she wants you to agonize and refuse to accept that it's over..........Screw her! (not literally)

 

[lukin2006]

That's what I'm saying. I think maybe she wants you to agonize and refuse to accept that it's over..........Screw her! (not literally)

I agree with you. Time for me to move on. Lots of advantages to single life I'm finding out. Getting concert and sporting tickets for 1 are easier come by ... LOL. I still have my dog. And she is thrilled every time I come home.

 

[CouchCoach]

All she has be doing for last few months is to try and hurt me. I'm not giving her the satisfaction. I also wonder if hearing me say the marriage was over was not what she really wanted to hear...anyways her loss.

And eventually another, more deserving, woman's gain. You are willing to work at marriage and that is exactly what it is, work. Can be the hardest work we ever do.

My wife worked at about 70% of our marriage and I pulled my 30% until I began to realize what she was doing and I kicked myself in the butt and got into gear.

I've read a couple of posts in this thread about guys that have given up after some rocky relationships which only serves to remind me how great I had it and how lucky I was. I can relate to T-RO and Calico because I am a loner and being alone isn't bad, being lonely is. I gave up on finding another even close to my wife after I lost her but I am probably a lot older that they are and can handle this but there are times my heart hurts to have a woman to talk with and share laughter, which is what my wife and I did. I miss that more than anything else but to find another like her seems to be an impossible task. When people ask me about us, I always tell them the same thing and they look at me for a minute and it dawns on them what that means. "We could sit in each other's presence and not have to fill the silence". We were not alone together.

Ya know there are worse things than being lonely, being lonely when you are with someone is far worse and that's why I don't even bother. And I am in a target rich environment, the ratio of women to men here is at 5 to 1 and I've been hit on at the freakin' HEB. I can't give them what they're looking for and they can't give me what I need. My family and friends finally stopped their "urging" me to at least see what's out there but I don't have the energy to search for that pearl in a sea of oysters.

When you get older, there is something we all have to do, become resigned to where we are in life. That may sound like giving up, but it is not. It's the conscious decision not to swim against the current.

 

[CouchCoach]

I agree with you. Time for me to move on. Lots of advantages to single life I'm finding out. Getting concert and sporting tickets for 1 are easier come by ... LOL. I still have my dog. And she is thrilled every time I come home.

lukin, looks like you are already turning the needle north. You got your dog, you got the most valuable possession you could get.

 

[lukin2006]

lukin, looks like you are already turning the needle north. You got your dog, you got the most valuable possession you could get.

Thank you. Yes, You made me realize that I can not waste my energy on this relationship. Lots of life left...

 

[kskboys]

I am the same. I had three really long relationships over the past 20 years that all ended very badly. Luckily, I was smart enough not to get married or I would have 3 divorces under my belt but they did cost me a lot of close friends with betrayals.
My last girlfriend and I went on a break for a month in late 2016 only to have her get knocked up by a one night stand and keep the kid, expecting me to just get back with her and be the kid's father while the real dad skipped out immediately.

The ex before that has been riding a roller coaster with me since 2001 and always keeps coming back to me every 3 years or so. Funny enough, she cheated on her fiancé, a fellow CowboysZoner with me a few years ago. I had no idea she was engaged at the time and spent the weekend in the colony at her place and logged onto her laptop to find the Cowboyszone open in a browsing tab...that was when she told me she was actually engaged...and I have always wondered who the forum member is who dated her in 2014 haha.

All these bad relationships have caused me to just keep to my self the past couple years and enjoying being alone. I feel nothing towards women, currently, other than carnal lust...nothing emotional. I have not yet met one recently who makes me feel anything inside at all. I've been spending the free time working out more and bettering myself so that I can meet some new and better women.

I am tired of dating the current trend of 30 something women who dress and act like they are still 21.

More like 15!!!!!

I'm seeing young men going through this over and over w/ mid 20's women. They won't work, won't quit drugs/smoking while pregnant, and won't even clean house. I mean, for some reason, our society is raising a ton of useless people right now.