Separated/Divorce

waldoputty

waldoputty

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lukin2006 said:
I do want a clean break to be perfectly honest. With my disability an apartment would be much easier to manage. My oldest friend lives in this nice, cute small town that I like. I am considering getting an apartment there. And he a great friend. Lots to consider, I never though I'd be in this position. A little anxious to see what my lawyers advice is. All I know is from what people have told me is that divorce is a burden financially for the higher income person...That's a huge reason why I avoided a lawyer, I don't want my wife financially ruined ... I honestly think she has no idea the cost of this to her.
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you know, i really get how you feel because i was in a similar situation.

in your case, there is this town and in my case, i want to live outside the us and definitely minimizing my time in california.

my ex is much younger and that presented a real problem as i wanted to enjoy life while her family wanted her to be more independent and work for herself. that was a problem that was creeping into my consciousness in 2014/2015. after my accident and her leaving, i have been freed from that constraint, though i would have happily lived that way.

after recovering from my accident, i find myself ready to travel and take up different opportunities. whether it is new projects in asia, enjoying portugal in the summer, or otherwise.

i also share your feelings in not wanting to see her in financial ruin. i have some complications that must first be dealt with before liquidating assets and starting my new life. however when i do, i would probably help her out financially going forward as my ex also had no idea what her level of living required. we used to joke that if there is a divorce that she would be in big trouble because she spent 99% of the money. eg. i spend my annual $200 in clothing 2 days after xmas in outlets on the drive between sf and la. in comparison, she was a shopaholic that meant amazon delivered almost daily...
 
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waldoputty

waldoputty

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lukin2006 said:
That's why I'm leaning to moving. This small town would be perfect. Plus having my oldest friend nearby to go out for a coffee is something I would enjoy.
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that sounds like a plan. a few old college buds and i have been talking about getting a few multi-unit places around the US/world and we would hop between them every year.
 
Xelda

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lukin2006 said:
The biggest decision I need to make going forward is whether I want to work out a deal so I can keep the house. A big part of me does not want the house or any of the belongings...
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I'm sure your home is filled with many painful memories right now. A clean break might be in your best interest. Think outside your emotions and determine if it will be worth it. Being where she can't find you when she realizes what she's done might be a good thing.
 
lukin2006

lukin2006

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waldoputty said:
you know, i really get how you feel because i was in a similar situation.

in your case, there is this town and in my case, i want to live outside the us and definitely minimizing my time in california.

my ex is much younger and that presented a real problem as i wanted to enjoy life while her family wanted her to be more independent and work for herself. that was a problem that was creeping into my consciousness in 2014/2015. after my accident and her leaving, i have been freed from that constraint, though i would have happily lived that way.

after recovering from my accident, i find myself ready to travel and take up different opportunities. whether it is new projects in asia, enjoying portugal in the summer, or otherwise.

i also share your feelings in not wanting to see her in financial ruin. i have some complications that must first be dealt with before liquidating assets and starting my new life. however when i do, i would probably help her out financially going forward as my ex also had no idea what her level of living required. we used to joke that if there is a divorce that she would be in big trouble because she spent 99% of the money. eg. i spend my annual $200 in clothing 2 days after xmas in outlets on the drive between sf and la. in comparison, she was a shopaholic that meant amazon delivered almost daily...
Click to expand...

That's the part I'm wondering about, does it feel better to be free of her. Because my soon to ex has no get up go ... I was the go getter, planned most of trips/entertainment. I feel now I can just go where I want to, when I want ... this part of the reason an apartment is attractive. ! door to lock and a superintendent to keep an eye on things...

I am glad you are recovered and doing well ... that is great.
 
lukin2006

lukin2006

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Xelda said:
I'm sure your home is filled with many painful memories right now. A clean break might be in your best interest. Think outside your emotions and determine if it will be worth it. Being where she can't find you when she realizes what she's done might be a good thing.
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That's a good point. Because I do not want her to find me. Believe me, I honestly believe she has received bad advice from someone. That's why I waited this long before seeing a lawyer. I did not want to lead her to financial crisis...but in the end, after 25 years, she thought so little of me to leave her off her benefits...
 
waldoputty

waldoputty

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lukin2006 said:
That's the part I'm wondering about, does it feel better to be free of her. Because my soon to ex has no get up go ... I was the go getter, planned most of trips/entertainment. I feel now I can just go where I want to, when I want ... this part of the reason an apartment is attractive. ! door to lock and a superintendent to keep an eye on things...

I am glad you are recovered and doing well ... that is great.
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thanks.

if i am in your shoes, this is what i would do:
1. get a clean break by moving to the town where your friend is. having a friend to hang out with is so important.
2. the house is full of memories, and selling it frees you from constant reminders of the good and bad ones. but you never forget those memories, but removing the constant reminders helps you to heal.
3. take heart. for me, as time passed, the bad memories faded but the good memories remained.

tbh, it does not sound like your story with her is over. but it does not mean you do not move on with your life. what is important is in your heart, and selling/moving does not change that.

if you ever get back together, obviously things should be TOTALLY different. twenty something years together is a long time, but what happened means controls and distance is necessary.

no one can tell what the future holds. hang out with your bud, travel, do things that you always wanted to do.

after my accident, i learned to treasure the days i have been given. it is still a wonderful world out there if you have the means, health, friends, time and hope.
 
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CouchCoach

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lukin2006 said:
That's why I'm leaning to moving. This small town would be perfect. Plus having my oldest friend nearby to go out for a coffee is something I would enjoy.
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lukin, change as much as you comfortably can, I found that helps with the healing process.

When I lost my wife, I went into a state of emotional and mental paralysis and kept my house in Dallas for 22 months after because I couldn't make a decision, even though family and friends were urging me and all I did was keep the wound as open as it could get. Besides the ridiculous expense financially, it was far worse a burden emotionally. My point is don't just get your plan in place, act on it and start moving out of where you are, emotionally, as soon as you can. Motion is activated healing. This is great advice that I didn't take.

lukin, I hope you do not think me presumptuous for making suggestions about your life but I figure you started this thread for some of that as well. And there's no one better to give great advice than one that didn't take it and paid the price. I do ask one favor. Once you make this move, keep us apprised of how it's going because that's the magic part of this forum. If I am going to feel compassion for you, give me a reward.
 
lukin2006

lukin2006

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waldoputty said:
thanks.

if i am in your shoes, this is what i would do:
1. get a clean break by moving to the town where your friend is. having a friend to hang out with is so important.
2. the house is full of memories, and selling it frees you from constant reminders of the good and bad ones. but you never forget those memories, but removing the constant reminders helps you to heal.
3. take heart. for me, as time passed, the bad memories faded but the good memories remained.

tbh, it does not sound like your story with her is over. but it does not mean you do not move on with your life. what is important is in your heart, and selling/moving does not change that.

if you ever get back together, obviously things should be TOTALLY different. twenty something years together is a long time, but what happened means controls and distance is necessary.

no one can tell what the future holds. hang out with your bud, travel, do things that you always wanted to do.

after my accident, i learned to treasure the days i have been given. it is still a wonderful world out there if you have the means, health, friends, time and hope.
Click to expand...

My biggest reminder is the basement couch. The night she left me I was a sleep on that couch. I awoke and seem to knew instantly she was gone. I haven't sat in that couch since. If I stay here, the couch goes...
 
waldoputty

waldoputty

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lukin2006 said:
My biggest reminder is the basement couch. The night she left me I was a sleep on that couch. I awoke and seem to knew instantly she was gone. I haven't sat in that couch since. If I stay here, the couch goes...
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bro, just have someone take away the couch now.
worth the $.

lets just say this.
i am uncomfortable in the SF house and the entire SF bay area 3 years later.
i spend most of time with my parents in LA

in my case it was the ex and the accident.
so my scars may run a bit deeper than normal
 
lukin2006

lukin2006

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Another reason I need this over sooner than later ... this is the second summer we've gone through this. She took a 3 week UK vacation. I want this over so next year I can go relax in a cabin nestled somewhere in the Canadian Rockies...
 
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