Well, going under the knife tomorrow morning and I would be less than honest if I was to say I am not concerned. I do not fear death but I do fear life wishing for death.
This has been one hell of a roller coaster ride, especially within my psyche as I struggle with depression on a daily basis. This has played head games with me that I have never experienced before and I thought I'd played them all.
I do have the benefit of two things in this.
One, I have no choice. It is either this or have the same exact rare cancer that took the love of my life take me and that is just too hard to fathom. The randomness of that alone is mind boggling but the other side of that is too hard to contemplate. The only good thing that has come out of this is the diagnosis of no cancer and at times they were amazed at that.
And two, the surgeon I have doing this, Declan Fleming, 008. From the day he took my case, and part of that was because of the rarity of it, I have received nothing but the strongest assurance I am indeed one lucky man to have him doing this. After all, he was a pioneer of this procedure and robotic surgery. That part is so assuring that I truly lucked out there and maybe for a reason.
So, allow me to share my thoughts with you.
That fear of wishing for death is the greatest fear I face and the track record of this sure doesn't help that. Every time I've awakened, the news has not been good and 2 of the 3 times they thought I already had cholangiocarcinoma and I had to await the pathology reports. They just can't believe with the shape my gall bladder was in and bile duct is in that I didn't have that.
But that brings me to the second part, the mystical part of this. The pathologists that have worked on this are stumped as to why I haven't had any pain with this and it has reached this stage without crossing over to cancer. So, that leads me to believe, at least in this area, I am special. Something within me refuses to give in and that something is going to keep 008 to Option 1 and not going to Option 2, my fear. Option 2 is removal of part of different organs, liver, pancreas, stomach and all of the bile duct. and a full, not partial as in Option 1, rewiring of the intestinal system and digestive system. And that removes the only remaining things in my life worth living and I'd rather go out on the table.
I am reminded of the times I heard my parents say "you've got your health, you've got it all" and how I dismissed that because I had my health. My Dad was fond of saying "it's hell growing old but it beats the alternative" and I have to say I disagree with that. For one that does not embrace life but tolerates it, there are worse alternatives.
My friends, no need to respond to this, I know how you feel. I just needed to get this out of me and on paper, as it were, and I haven't felt comfortable in this thread to do that but now I must.
I hope to come back better than ever and the ever present darkness that hangs within me is gone and I can try and be funny again. When it comes to funny, trying is as good as doing.