FEATURED Morning Pops!

[Bobhaze]

Well, going under the knife tomorrow morning and I would be less than honest if I was to say I am not concerned. I do not fear death but I do fear life wishing for death.

This has been one hell of a roller coaster ride, especially within my psyche as I struggle with depression on a daily basis. This has played head games with me that I have never experienced before and I thought I'd played them all.

I do have the benefit of two things in this.

One, I have no choice. It is either this or have the same exact rare cancer that took the love of my life take me and that is just too hard to fathom. The randomness of that alone is mind boggling but the other side of that is too hard to contemplate. The only good thing that has come out of this is the diagnosis of no cancer and at times they were amazed at that.

And two, the surgeon I have doing this, Declan Fleming, 008. From the day he took my case, and part of that was because of the rarity of it, I have received nothing but the strongest assurance I am indeed one lucky man to have him doing this. After all, he was a pioneer of this procedure and robotic surgery. That part is so assuring that I truly lucked out there and maybe for a reason.

So, allow me to share my thoughts with you.

That fear of wishing for death is the greatest fear I face and the track record of this sure doesn't help that. Every time I've awakened, the news has not been good and 2 of the 3 times they thought I already had cholangiocarcinoma and I had to await the pathology reports. They just can't believe with the shape my gall bladder was in and bile duct is in that I didn't have that.

But that brings me to the second part, the mystical part of this. The pathologists that have worked on this are stumped as to why I haven't had any pain with this and it has reached this stage without crossing over to cancer. So, that leads me to believe, at least in this area, I am special. Something within me refuses to give in and that something is going to keep 008 to Option 1 and not going to Option 2, my fear. Option 2 is removal of part of different organs, liver, pancreas, stomach and all of the bile duct. and a full, not partial as in Option 1, rewiring of the intestinal system and digestive system. And that removes the only remaining things in my life worth living and I'd rather go out on the table.

I am reminded of the times I heard my parents say "you've got your health, you've got it all" and how I dismissed that because I had my health. My Dad was fond of saying "it's hell growing old but it beats the alternative" and I have to say I disagree with that. For one that does not embrace life but tolerates it, there are worse alternatives.

My friends, no need to respond to this, I know how you feel. I just needed to get this out of me and on paper, as it were, and I haven't felt comfortable in this thread to do that but now I must.

I hope to come back better than ever and the ever present darkness that hangs within me is gone and I can try and be funny again. When it comes to funny, trying is as good as doing.

My friend- we are all with you. With prayers, good thoughts, good vibes and every hope that you are back in the saddle again very, very soon. Take care of yourself in every way.

 

[GrammaJan]

Well, going under the knife tomorrow morning and I would be less than honest if I was to say I am not concerned. I do not fear death but I do fear life wishing for death.

This has been one hell of a roller coaster ride, especially within my psyche as I struggle with depression on a daily basis. This has played head games with me that I have never experienced before and I thought I'd played them all.

I do have the benefit of two things in this.

One, I have no choice. It is either this or have the same exact rare cancer that took the love of my life take me and that is just too hard to fathom. The randomness of that alone is mind boggling but the other side of that is too hard to contemplate. The only good thing that has come out of this is the diagnosis of no cancer and at times they were amazed at that.

And two, the surgeon I have doing this, Declan Fleming, 008. From the day he took my case, and part of that was because of the rarity of it, I have received nothing but the strongest assurance I am indeed one lucky man to have him doing this. After all, he was a pioneer of this procedure and robotic surgery. That part is so assuring that I truly lucked out there and maybe for a reason.

So, allow me to share my thoughts with you.

That fear of wishing for death is the greatest fear I face and the track record of this sure doesn't help that. Every time I've awakened, the news has not been good and 2 of the 3 times they thought I already had cholangiocarcinoma and I had to await the pathology reports. They just can't believe with the shape my gall bladder was in and bile duct is in that I didn't have that.

But that brings me to the second part, the mystical part of this. The pathologists that have worked on this are stumped as to why I haven't had any pain with this and it has reached this stage without crossing over to cancer. So, that leads me to believe, at least in this area, I am special. Something within me refuses to give in and that something is going to keep 008 to Option 1 and not going to Option 2, my fear. Option 2 is removal of part of different organs, liver, pancreas, stomach and all of the bile duct. and a full, not partial as in Option 1, rewiring of the intestinal system and digestive system. And that removes the only remaining things in my life worth living and I'd rather go out on the table.

I am reminded of the times I heard my parents say "you've got your health, you've got it all" and how I dismissed that because I had my health. My Dad was fond of saying "it's hell growing old but it beats the alternative" and I have to say I disagree with that. For one that does not embrace life but tolerates it, there are worse alternatives.

My friends, no need to respond to this, I know how you feel. I just needed to get this out of me and on paper, as it were, and I haven't felt comfortable in this thread to do that but now I must.

I hope to come back better than ever and the ever present darkness that hangs within me is gone and I can try and be funny again. When it comes to funny, trying is as good as doing.

Echoing Bob Haze’s comments… hugs, Coach.

 

[Runwildboys]

CC, my friend, I understand why you feel the way you do, and I can't say I'd blame you for preferring the alternative over coming out of this so much less than you were. Therefore, I'm not going to insist that you "think about those who need you around" or any of that stuff that I find selfish on the part of the "those who".
I am however going to wish you the absolute best of results, and hope like Hell that you come back to us feeling silly for ever worrying about this.

We do love you!

 

[Cowboys_22]

CC, if any of us were in that situation what would be your advice? You take that advice and apply it to yourself. Hurry back in here my friend.

Lots of folks care about you! Prayers for you brother and looking forward to the many stories and jokes you have to share with this group in the near future.
Give me a holler some day. I’ll pm my #.

 

[Xelda]

I agree with the rest. We are strangers in life, but life long buddies on line. We will be with you in spirit for your surgery and recovery. I will pray for you if you don't mind Doodles. If you do, I'll just do some heavy eye pointing and head nodding God's direction for you.

 

[kskboys]

Love you deeply CC.

 

[Montanalo]

Well, going under the knife tomorrow morning and I would be less than honest if I was to say I am not concerned. I do not fear death but I do fear life wishing for death.

This has been one hell of a roller coaster ride, especially within my psyche as I struggle with depression on a daily basis. This has played head games with me that I have never experienced before and I thought I'd played them all.

I do have the benefit of two things in this.

One, I have no choice. It is either this or have the same exact rare cancer that took the love of my life take me and that is just too hard to fathom. The randomness of that alone is mind boggling but the other side of that is too hard to contemplate. The only good thing that has come out of this is the diagnosis of no cancer and at times they were amazed at that.

And two, the surgeon I have doing this, Declan Fleming, 008. From the day he took my case, and part of that was because of the rarity of it, I have received nothing but the strongest assurance I am indeed one lucky man to have him doing this. After all, he was a pioneer of this procedure and robotic surgery. That part is so assuring that I truly lucked out there and maybe for a reason.

So, allow me to share my thoughts with you.

That fear of wishing for death is the greatest fear I face and the track record of this sure doesn't help that. Every time I've awakened, the news has not been good and 2 of the 3 times they thought I already had cholangiocarcinoma and I had to await the pathology reports. They just can't believe with the shape my gall bladder was in and bile duct is in that I didn't have that.

But that brings me to the second part, the mystical part of this. The pathologists that have worked on this are stumped as to why I haven't had any pain with this and it has reached this stage without crossing over to cancer. So, that leads me to believe, at least in this area, I am special. Something within me refuses to give in and that something is going to keep 008 to Option 1 and not going to Option 2, my fear. Option 2 is removal of part of different organs, liver, pancreas, stomach and all of the bile duct. and a full, not partial as in Option 1, rewiring of the intestinal system and digestive system. And that removes the only remaining things in my life worth living and I'd rather go out on the table.

I am reminded of the times I heard my parents say "you've got your health, you've got it all" and how I dismissed that because I had my health. My Dad was fond of saying "it's hell growing old but it beats the alternative" and I have to say I disagree with that. For one that does not embrace life but tolerates it, there are worse alternatives.

My friends, no need to respond to this, I know how you feel. I just needed to get this out of me and on paper, as it were, and I haven't felt comfortable in this thread to do that but now I must.

I hope to come back better than ever and the ever present darkness that hangs within me is gone and I can try and be funny again. When it comes to funny, trying is as good as doing.

Godspeed, @CouchCoach. Hurry back, we need you

 

[GrammaJan]

Morning Pops and everyone.

Prayers going up for Coach today!!

 

[LeonDixson]

Ditto, GrammaJan's post. Lots and lots of prayers and good thoughts.

 

[Ranching]

Well, going under the knife tomorrow morning and I would be less than honest if I was to say I am not concerned. I do not fear death but I do fear life wishing for death.

This has been one hell of a roller coaster ride, especially within my psyche as I struggle with depression on a daily basis. This has played head games with me that I have never experienced before and I thought I'd played them all.

I do have the benefit of two things in this.

One, I have no choice. It is either this or have the same exact rare cancer that took the love of my life take me and that is just too hard to fathom. The randomness of that alone is mind boggling but the other side of that is too hard to contemplate. The only good thing that has come out of this is the diagnosis of no cancer and at times they were amazed at that.

And two, the surgeon I have doing this, Declan Fleming, 008. From the day he took my case, and part of that was because of the rarity of it, I have received nothing but the strongest assurance I am indeed one lucky man to have him doing this. After all, he was a pioneer of this procedure and robotic surgery. That part is so assuring that I truly lucked out there and maybe for a reason.

So, allow me to share my thoughts with you.

That fear of wishing for death is the greatest fear I face and the track record of this sure doesn't help that. Every time I've awakened, the news has not been good and 2 of the 3 times they thought I already had cholangiocarcinoma and I had to await the pathology reports. They just can't believe with the shape my gall bladder was in and bile duct is in that I didn't have that.

But that brings me to the second part, the mystical part of this. The pathologists that have worked on this are stumped as to why I haven't had any pain with this and it has reached this stage without crossing over to cancer. So, that leads me to believe, at least in this area, I am special. Something within me refuses to give in and that something is going to keep 008 to Option 1 and not going to Option 2, my fear. Option 2 is removal of part of different organs, liver, pancreas, stomach and all of the bile duct. and a full, not partial as in Option 1, rewiring of the intestinal system and digestive system. And that removes the only remaining things in my life worth living and I'd rather go out on the table.

I am reminded of the times I heard my parents say "you've got your health, you've got it all" and how I dismissed that because I had my health. My Dad was fond of saying "it's hell growing old but it beats the alternative" and I have to say I disagree with that. For one that does not embrace life but tolerates it, there are worse alternatives.

My friends, no need to respond to this, I know how you feel. I just needed to get this out of me and on paper, as it were, and I haven't felt comfortable in this thread to do that but now I must.

I hope to come back better than ever and the ever present darkness that hangs within me is gone and I can try and be funny again. When it comes to funny, trying is as good as doing.

Before you go under the knife, are you a former Coach or just use that name?
I talked about my missing my brother a few weeks ago and was benched......I wish you well and will say a prayer for you and will ask my brother to pray for you at the Vatican tonight.

 

[Montanalo]

Good morning Pops and Friends,

So, anything shocking or unexpected happen in the Cowboy's world during the past 24 hours (definitely tongue-in-check)?

In more mundane news, I finally received my new Polaris side-by-side UTV. It's equipped with a big honking snowplow.... and, just in time for winter. It only took 5 months from ordering to delivery -- definitely sarcasm.

Any word from Couch?

 

[LeonDixson]

Morning Pops and Peeps. On pins and needles, waiting for news on CC.

 

[LeonDixson]

Good morning Pops and Friends,

So, anything shocking or unexpected happen in the Cowboy's world during the past 24 hours (definitely tongue-in-check)?

In more mundane news, I finally received my new Polaris side-by-side UTV. It's equipped with a big honking snowplow.... and, just in time for winter. It only took 5 months from ordering to delivery -- definitely sarcasm.

Any word from Couch?

The UTV sounds awesome. I was shocked by the news you are referreing to but I support the move.

 

[Ranched]

Good morning Pops and Friends,

So, anything shocking or unexpected happen in the Cowboy's world during the past 24 hours (definitely tongue-in-check)?​

 

[Bobhaze]

Morning Pops and friends…
Anyone hear any news on CouchCoach and how he’s doing after his surgery?

 

[Xelda]

Obviously blasphemous use of the #9.

Morning Pops and friends…
Anyone hear any news on CouchCoach and how he’s doing after his surgery?

I don't know if anyone has his phone number to check on him. I'm sure he'll let us know as soon as he can. He'd better let us know. Where he lives is not too far for me to drive down there and pop him upside the head for making us worry. Of course I'd wait for the doctor's clearance on some good old fashioned chastisement. Translation: I'm concerned too.

 

[CouchCoach]

Well, sometimes don't you just hate being right? I had really hinky feelings about this from the beginning.

I was worried about the Option 1 or 2 and awakening to a life after that and Option 3 got me. As is customary with this type of surgery by an Oncology Surgeon, he makes a smaller vertical incision of about 6" to take a look around the abdominal cavity for anything suspicious before proceeding with the longer incisions and what he found caused him to just take samples of the nodules and just close me up. Those on the pathology board that thought my gall bladder was cancerous and not just dysplasia were correct.

It has metastasized into stage 4 cancer, treatable but incurable. I have an appointment with an Oncologist here in 2 weeks and my follow up with my surgeon the next day and to meet with his docs that specialize in GI cancer and treatment. There is an advantage of being in the care of the head of cancer at UT and Dell. I get access to some great minds working on the edge with some possible alternatives to chemo.

I've always said if I were faced with the same decision my wife had, what would I do? Well, now I have to answer that question. Do we measure the quality of life in days?

We haven't discussed this in terms of how much time I have left...yet. That will come with more options, including just letting this take it's course and manage the symptoms.

I appreciate all the concern, I really do, but do not feel you have to give me false hope. I used up all of that with my wife. One good thing is it not that same exact cancer, it's the sister to it though. The surgeon assured me this did not begin as cancer of the bile duct but of the gall bladder. I cannot express how important that is to me.

I am an enigma to myself, I am an emotional creature but pragmatic and accepting of things like this. I will have bad days but knowing they are now numbered for sure, I will work harder to change them. I am lucky to have a doc that shot square with me. My wife had one too young and he tried to sell false hope which only made it worse. I actually had to become an optimist and that's just against my nature.

The surgery wasn't as much fun as I thought it was going to be as they prepped me for the big one including a catheter and all kinds of needles going into me for a 4 hour operation. I've never had a catheter before and I wish I could still say that. What distorted and evil mind could even concoct such torture? And they thought removing it before I woke up would go unnoticed?

I know this isn't what y'all wanted to hear but I do want you to know I am OK with this, I really am. I've struggled all my life to be happy, especially in the moment without looking forward to the next thing. Now, I have even more reason to embrace those moments.

Thank you again and I need to go rest now, I am beat. Not beaten, just beat and tired of people cutting on me.

 

[Runwildboys]

Well, sometimes don't you just hate being right? I had really hinky feelings about this from the beginning.

I was worried about the Option 1 or 2 and awakening to a life after that and Option 3 got me. As is customary with this type of surgery by an Oncology Surgeon, he makes a smaller vertical incision of about 6" to take a look around the abdominal cavity for anything suspicious before proceeding with the longer incisions and what he found caused him to just take samples of the nodules and just close me up. Those on the pathology board that thought my gall bladder was cancerous and not just dysplasia were correct.

It has metastasized into stage 4 cancer, treatable but incurable. I have an appointment with an Oncologist here in 2 weeks and my follow up with my surgeon the next day and to meet with his docs that specialize in GI cancer and treatment. There is an advantage of being in the care of the head of cancer at UT and Dell. I get access to some great minds working on the edge with some possible alternatives to chemo.

I've always said if I were faced with the same decision my wife had, what would I do? Well, now I have to answer that question. Do we measure the quality of life in days?

We haven't discussed this in terms of how much time I have left...yet. That will come with more options, including just letting this take it's course and manage the symptoms.

I appreciate all the concern, I really do, but do not feel you have to give me false hope. I used up all of that with my wife. One good thing is it not that same exact cancer, it's the sister to it though. The surgeon assured me this did not begin as cancer of the bile duct but of the gall bladder. I cannot express how important that is to me.

I am an enigma to myself, I am an emotional creature but pragmatic and accepting of things like this. I will have bad days but knowing they are now numbered for sure, I will work harder to change them. I am lucky to have a doc that shot square with me. My wife had one too young and he tried to sell false hope which only made it worse. I actually had to become an optimist and that's just against my nature.

The surgery wasn't as much fun as I thought it was going to be as they prepped me for the big one including a catheter and all kinds of needles going into me for a 4 hour operation. I've never had a catheter before and I wish I could still say that. What distorted and evil mind could even concoct such torture? And they thought removing it before I woke up would go unnoticed?

I know this isn't what y'all wanted to hear but I do want you to know I am OK with this, I really am. I've struggled all my life to be happy, especially in the moment without looking forward to the next thing. Now, I have even more reason to embrace those moments.

Thank you again and I need to go rest now, I am beat. Not beaten, just beat and tired of people cutting on me.

I hope you don't mind if I refrain from giving this post a like.

I understand your acceptance of this, and I certainly prefer it over pretty much any other reaction one could have. I'm sure it's much more peaceful.

Well, so far I've come up with more words than I expected to.

My greatest hope at this point is that you get to live the rest of your life your way, and that you take great satisfaction in knowing that this monster may take you, but it won't beat you.

 

[Cowboys_22]

Well, sometimes don't you just hate being right? I had really hinky feelings about this from the beginning.

I was worried about the Option 1 or 2 and awakening to a life after that and Option 3 got me. As is customary with this type of surgery by an Oncology Surgeon, he makes a smaller vertical incision of about 6" to take a look around the abdominal cavity for anything suspicious before proceeding with the longer incisions and what he found caused him to just take samples of the nodules and just close me up. Those on the pathology board that thought my gall bladder was cancerous and not just dysplasia were correct.

It has metastasized into stage 4 cancer, treatable but incurable. I have an appointment with an Oncologist here in 2 weeks and my follow up with my surgeon the next day and to meet with his docs that specialize in GI cancer and treatment. There is an advantage of being in the care of the head of cancer at UT and Dell. I get access to some great minds working on the edge with some possible alternatives to chemo.

I've always said if I were faced with the same decision my wife had, what would I do? Well, now I have to answer that question. Do we measure the quality of life in days?

We haven't discussed this in terms of how much time I have left...yet. That will come with more options, including just letting this take it's course and manage the symptoms.

I appreciate all the concern, I really do, but do not feel you have to give me false hope. I used up all of that with my wife. One good thing is it not that same exact cancer, it's the sister to it though. The surgeon assured me this did not begin as cancer of the bile duct but of the gall bladder. I cannot express how important that is to me.

I am an enigma to myself, I am an emotional creature but pragmatic and accepting of things like this. I will have bad days but knowing they are now numbered for sure, I will work harder to change them. I am lucky to have a doc that shot square with me. My wife had one too young and he tried to sell false hope which only made it worse. I actually had to become an optimist and that's just against my nature.

The surgery wasn't as much fun as I thought it was going to be as they prepped me for the big one including a catheter and all kinds of needles going into me for a 4 hour operation. I've never had a catheter before and I wish I could still say that. What distorted and evil mind could even concoct such torture? And they thought removing it before I woke up would go unnoticed?

I know this isn't what y'all wanted to hear but I do want you to know I am OK with this, I really am. I've struggled all my life to be happy, especially in the moment without looking forward to the next thing. Now, I have even more reason to embrace those moments.

Thank you again and I need to go rest now, I am beat. Not beaten, just beat and tired of people cutting on me.

I don’t like the news but I respect your reasoning. I’m an optimist so I’ll continue with hope.

 

[GrammaJan]

Well, sometimes don't you just hate being right? I had really hinky feelings about this from the beginning.

I was worried about the Option 1 or 2 and awakening to a life after that and Option 3 got me. As is customary with this type of surgery by an Oncology Surgeon, he makes a smaller vertical incision of about 6" to take a look around the abdominal cavity for anything suspicious before proceeding with the longer incisions and what he found caused him to just take samples of the nodules and just close me up. Those on the pathology board that thought my gall bladder was cancerous and not just dysplasia were correct.

It has metastasized into stage 4 cancer, treatable but incurable. I have an appointment with an Oncologist here in 2 weeks and my follow up with my surgeon the next day and to meet with his docs that specialize in GI cancer and treatment. There is an advantage of being in the care of the head of cancer at UT and Dell. I get access to some great minds working on the edge with some possible alternatives to chemo.

I've always said if I were faced with the same decision my wife had, what would I do? Well, now I have to answer that question. Do we measure the quality of life in days?

We haven't discussed this in terms of how much time I have left...yet. That will come with more options, including just letting this take it's course and manage the symptoms.

I appreciate all the concern, I really do, but do not feel you have to give me false hope. I used up all of that with my wife. One good thing is it not that same exact cancer, it's the sister to it though. The surgeon assured me this did not begin as cancer of the bile duct but of the gall bladder. I cannot express how important that is to me.

I am an enigma to myself, I am an emotional creature but pragmatic and accepting of things like this. I will have bad days but knowing they are now numbered for sure, I will work harder to change them. I am lucky to have a doc that shot square with me. My wife had one too young and he tried to sell false hope which only made it worse. I actually had to become an optimist and that's just against my nature.

The surgery wasn't as much fun as I thought it was going to be as they prepped me for the big one including a catheter and all kinds of needles going into me for a 4 hour operation. I've never had a catheter before and I wish I could still say that. What distorted and evil mind could even concoct such torture? And they thought removing it before I woke up would go unnoticed?

I know this isn't what y'all wanted to hear but I do want you to know I am OK with this, I really am. I've struggled all my life to be happy, especially in the moment without looking forward to the next thing. Now, I have even more reason to embrace those moments.

Thank you again and I need to go rest now, I am beat. Not beaten, just beat and tired of people cutting on me.

I, too, cannot like this post, nor can I make any other response but to say my heart and soul are hurting, and I will continue my prayers.