Morning Pops and all y’all.
I am thinking of changing my moniker to Audie Murphy because the last few weeks I have been To Hell and Back.
Started with my old nemesis, bilirubin, showing back up and this bout was the worst one yet. Ended up with my 7th ERCP since this all started two years ago on the 21st and replacing yet another stent.
For the first time since I made the decision to go the Monkey’s Paw People’s route, I began to weaken in my positive mental attitude, my greatest ally, and began to give up.
Monday marked the 14th month past my expiration date and for the first time, I regretted that passage of time and wished I were already gone.
Labs were off the rails and the itching and skin crawling was relentless and I lost another 6 lbs and it takes everything I can muster just to put a pound on.
They were doing labs frequently because bilirubin is toxic to the human body and mine was not falling as it had in the past and they wanted a CT scan and I asked why? They can’t cut on me if something else has developed, either the stent helps get rid of the bilirubin or that’s it.
Then the last two lab reports came in and not only was the bilirubin falling but the tumor markers were falling as well and my oncologist and GI doc were really happy.
Whatever my parents passed to me in the DNA was coming through again and my own body was fighting and ignoring my mental state, which was shaky at best because of the lack of sleep or just rest because the itching had me at my breaking point. I was at the edge of my own final solution.
I am still here because of my two little 15 year old dogs that I worry about who will take care of them if I am gone and I held onto that, and them, to keep me grounded when all I wanted was for all of this to stop.
I get a lot of attaboy’s from the medical people, family and friends in this fight but the simple truth is I am still here because of my two best friends, ChaCha and Mojito. Something needs me and it doesn’t matter that they’re dogs, who I prefer to most people.
If they could talk, I know what they would have said these last few weeks. “Don’t give up, stay here with us, we need you”.
Inspiration and motivation can come from many sources.