Morning Pops and all y'all. I hope you are are well and doing well as well.
Well, I am officially pissed now. I was told the pathology would take 5-7 business days and today is the 8th day because I cut the pathologist some slack and didn't count day of surgery as one for several reasons. First, the surgery was late starting as I seemed to be the only one prepared at the prescribed time. Secondly, they added another ERCP taking it from a 1.5 hour procedure to a 2.5 hour one so they could shave parts of my body while I was wherever the hell we go when under anesthesia. But thirdly is the real gift I gave the pathologist as I gave him credit for being like me. I gave him understandable and forgivable faults.
I assumed he had that 3rd martini at lunch, became a little tipsy and like me when martini 3 strikes, got in an amorous mood and decided to stop by the house to see what the wife was doing, found that she was in a negligee and rushed into his arms and he lost track of time. Upon arriving back at the hospital, decided it was too late to start a new process and decided to start the count on Wednesday instead of Tuesday. I actually never met the pathologist but he is friends with my surgeon, Dr. Frazee, so I liked him through that 2nd degree of separation but I was wrong!
When he arrived home, he didn't stop to ask himself "why is my wife in a negligee at 1:30 in the afternoon and why did she rush into my arms so quickly and want to make love in the foyer'? I'd tell him why! His old buddy, Dr. Frazee, was in the closet and the wife diverted his attention so he could make a back door exit. Dr. Frazee went straight from messin' with a messy gall bladder to messin' with the pathologist's wife. He suspects something and is holding up my report as payback. "You're sleeping with my wife and I am not giving you this report on time just because of that!!!!", I can hear him yelling through the tears and heartbreak. If this guy knows what's good for him, he'd better give me my damned report or I'll wreck his pretend life in my mind.
I've got my follow up on Monday with the surgeon and I need to ask him one question that has been puzzling me since that first ERCP. Why are they shaving parts of my body while I am out and what the hell is this tar like stuff on me that will not come off? This last time, I had bruises on the back of both of my arms and my upper chest and all arm pit foliage was gone, just gone! Is that tar a remnant of them tarring and feathering me, taking pics and they forget to get all the tar off? Do they play some kind of weird OR trivia game where if they guess right, they get to shave parts of the patient? The nurse shaved my abdomen for the surgery but made no mention that others might decide to take some more body hair. Do they have some huge hair ball hidden within the bowels of the hospital and they just keep adding to it?
I got home and the second night I was home, I raised my arm and saw it, mine looked like my wife's underarms. I raised the other and same thing, not a hair in sight and my chest was shaved (and I didn't fail to notice I have rather nice breasts for a man of my age) and came to the only conclusion I could come up with, they are methodically and slowly transgendering me. This is all a ruse, my gall bladder was fine, they want to turn me into a woman!!
Little do they know what they would be creating, Slutzilla! I would be a terrible woman. One drink and I'm ready to do a mattress angel and you know me, when don't I have one drink in me? I'd get kicked out of CVS, HEB and Walmart and I gotta say any woman that gets kicked out of Walmart for slutting it up has pretty much set a new standard. And that would be my goal!!!!! You see?? Terrible woman!
Ok, see what happens when deadlines aren't met? I was fine, have you fine folks to testify to that, well, fine for me anyway. I was damned near normal but that 5-7 day clock rolled over and this is what I become. This is one of those situations that I do fill in the unknown because that's my defense mechanism when the news could be bad.
My greatest fear is not for me but for my sons, they cannot lose both parents to the monster and wait for it to come for them.
I still have hope that I will go being shot by a jealous, and much younger, husband going out the bedroom window. However, it is beginning to look like I will go out as a lesbian.
. No worries.
